176. Why?

Why am I doing this.

Why am I doing this I ask myself? Why am I walking with Desteni?
 These questions are really at the forefront of anyone the is still within doubt within themselves.
 What I have noticed within my own process of self realization? I have noticed that I do not know the real reasons or principles to why I am walking. Obviously I see the problems all around me, all the loneliness, all the pain, and fear. The death all over the globe. So how come I do not really care? How come I see all that and can still POSSESS the ability to sit back and not give a shit?
 So here lets see what lies deeper within the point of not caring about others or the world. So I will use a formula that I am learning about in my present assignment. Value judgement. Maybe I can look at how this caring point looks like within me.

So,

 caring = effort + selflessness + sense of equality + courage

So reversing this to not caring would look something like this.

 Not caring = waiting (laziness) + self interest + desire for self definition + fear

 Something that I notice about my experience up to this point is that I have always had a sense of distrust and doubt within myself. I have never been certain of myself within my entire life, never have found a reason to embrace me. Within this I see how there is a entire outflow of things that spring up from that, all of my value judgements about all things in my life.
 I can start to see how through these definitions of caring or not caring arises the self judgment within me where I place and cast myself within a particular placement within this scale of being on the caring side of things or the uncaring. Most of the time I am judging myself to be within the non caring character, always trudging uphill, battling myself, locked in a war internally. I am constantly attempting to live up to this ideal caring character picture of myself, never realizing that I am indeed just a desire of a picture version of myself made up within my own mind.
 What I should realize here is the practicality within this situation of being in process, that I am either doing what is best for all, or I am not, there is no point of “caring person”, or “uncaring person”, just simply the point of walking as me as one and equal as all or not.
 Something else that has arisen is the point of seeing how when I place a value judgment on the point of being caring or not caring within myself I notice that the way that I look at other people become embedded within this value judgment as well where the point of judgement of myself actually become a comparison point towards others. Where on one hand I am praising myself for becoming more caring, on the other hand I am on the watch for those that are either plus or negative caring then me on the caring scale of society.
 So if not caring then what? What is the principle that is the point of this process? Equality and oneness? Easy to say as I have found out, but what does that really mean? What does that imply?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unclear within the vision of what I understand equality and oneness to involve and imply within my process and at large.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold others at a greater or lesser position then I, and not stop within the placing of myself on the goodness/caring scale of people everywhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunderstand the point of learning to walk in equality and oneness to stop the judgments of others and where they are and a failure to do so really is a implication of judgment of self where I am comparing myself to others in either in a positive or negative aspects based within certain characteristic traits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the movement of these traits within me indicates that I am not stable within my principles of self as equality and oneness, and that which is happening is actually a varying field of changing emotions, feelings, traits, and comparison within myself towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NEVER have experienced myself within real self trust in anything that I am doing, and in fact have ALWAYS stood within a particular fear within me in the back of ever experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point of accepting myself as I am now, that this is important in getting to a point where I am able to self honestly see what I have accepted as myself up to this point and not instead just attempt to build over what I have accepted and allowed from myself my whole life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this constant effort to cover my tracks are actually a self imposed ploy to slow myself down within changing me, that I am secretly holding on to a desire to stay the same and not face myself with the fullness that I am capable of.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing the consequences of not walking absolute to be recognized and instead just left to fester within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is a place for me to be walking to and that by not fulfilling that space that I leave so much in the air for all the other beings. Meaning that by not accepting me and taking really account for/of myself from this very point that I am not able to walk outside of judgment because I have made that part of the inner sanctum of myself as I stand today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this means that there will invariably lead too consequence within my experience with others, how the point of judgement will always make itself apparent and known no matter how much I see myself as being a caring person, underneath the caring character there will always remain this point of suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that suppressing the systems within me is a solution when in fact it is nothing but a ticking time bomb of self, where actually what is happening is that I am setting the scene for a endless play of time loops.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the position of other beings especially destonians to become triggers within me in this game of suppression with myself where if I see another standing or not standing I immediately and automatically go and jump into a place of comparison with the other being, and in such have lost the point of walking myself free from mind for me…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never find the self respect to actually want to do this for me, and instead constantly portray myself in such a way that is actually only a mask, charade, game of appearances in which I play with others around me and within the group so I can appear respectable to others, meanwhile not seeing how this really has always just stopped there and has never gone on to show MYSELF any respect at all, which is the key in walking this process for real and actuality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize myself as who I am in this moment to the absolute entirety of myself here, and from there begin the deconstruction process instead of this run ahead system of approach that I have been taken a lot of the time so far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of failure and so making this the point of attachment to suppression and making myself feel better by portraying myself as changed and caring being when in fact it is all just a point of fear of never being able to figure myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the way out is a constant and continuous self movement and that I will never reach the point of nothingness if I am constantly envisioning myself as what I imagine that to be like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can know what it would be like without my ego and from that point make up some bogus excuse as to why I will never achieve that and this become the point of failure within me before I even begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how all of this is actually preventing me from living a principled life where the principle is of self, yet the realization that self is all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mistake the principles that are being talked about within the group as principles that can be negotiated within my experience and that I am able to postpone the uptake of the principles of giving as I would like to receive, treating all as my neighbors and making them into points that I am working towards rather then realizing that practically applying them in real time is the key to living here as life.

So within all this when and as I see myself placing myself within a idea of what how caring looks to me and how I am experiencing myself in comparison with other beings I stop and breathe, and remind myself that this process is for me alone and that where other people are at is really of no concern to me, and instead committing to the point of this process being a actual self movement.

I commit myself to the understanding that equality and oneness is not a something that can be imagined into reality within the mind but can only be realized and walked in a consistent manner.

When and as I see myself, allowing my mind to associate itself within a judgement of my self view towards a scale of caring where I am constantly shifting from caring to not caring, from good to bad, I stop myself in that moment and I breathe and realize the real expression of life is unwavering and stable, it should not be shifting inside of me like a emotionally based self definition of purpose, building up of self image, desire to be better then others, and/or mutating into the negative spectrum of falling behind my purpose, failing myself, viewing others as being better.

So I commit myself to fully realize that this is a point of actually doing this and walking for me, to remember this point as often that I can and that doing this process for me is the only way that I will ever make it out of my mind.

I commit myself to hold myself accountable for what I am doing here and not allow myself to become invested into what others are doing at this point until I can be certain that I am able to walk on my own to feet in stability so that I do not build more walls around myself that will invariably have to come down anyways.

 When and as I see myself living with out the principles of equality and oneness, instead opting to just remain within the secret workings of the mind I stop myself and breathe and realize that if I am not able to bring everything to the surface for me to see I will never make it.

And thus I commit myself to move myself out of the mind and into a application of the living word as a principle of life as equality and oneness, realizing once and for all that I cannot view others as being greater or lesser then I and at the same time call myself one with them as oneness is inherently equal.

When and as I see myself becoming confused and misunderstanding myself in where I stand I just stop, close my eyes for a moment and breathe, bringing myself back here into the physical reality and commit to stopping the mind movements that are leading to me to deviate from being here as a self honest expression of me.

I commit myself to see how this really is simply about being honest about being here and that there is no other placement that needs to get veneered over top to make myself shiny or anything, and that it is about the simplistic starting point of equality with all life.

Alright I will continue in the next post.

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