So what I have realized since yesterday about this particular point of accessing why I am still having trouble sticking to the principles of equality and oneness is obviously quite a large and broad point to cover because it is not like it is just one point but like a accumulations on many smaller points of separation the add up to this apathetic attitude towards life.
But I did notice today that the defining factor within all of those points is the addiction to energy. I am constantly after a energetic point, relief, rush, a submission. So what seems prudent is to first look at the relationship to energy within me.
This giving in to energy really is like a persistance, something that I have always done, I have never stood up agaist it or even recognized the amount of self control that I am giving up and not even noticing or even aware of within my world. I so far have just let it run and this is where I am encountering so much resistance from within my experience. I have not yet accepted the entirety of me as who I am at this point. Have not really seen myself within all of my fuck ups and acceptances and allowances and in this that is where I am firstly missing out on the point of importance and not seeing what I first need as my point of determination to change me.
So from there, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold energy as the key to my existance instead of myself as the physical manifestation as my physical human body.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all energetic movements within me are actually a creation of the mind.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the mind is in fact the creation of the physical and without the physical the mind could not exist which means that all energy that is created through the mind is in fact a creation of the mind and not a expression of life as my physical human body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not yet see that allowing myself to be ruled by the energetically charged creations of the mind makes me a slave to the mind and that this would mean that I am living in reverse where the actuality of the matter is that the mind is a creation of the physical but I accept it as superior and such making the creation the master.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever challenge the mind within standing up and taking accountablity for the shit that accept myself to do just to get that energetic gratification from the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lock in the energy as the mind as belief systems within me, causing me to not look into myself in a way that would allow me to dissolve the addictive relationship to energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistantly place myself in a lesser postion to these embedded belief/systems in and in doing so make sure that I do not escape from my self impossed prison.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how subtle this point works where ANY sort of lust for energy really reiforces the whole system and makes the ability to deal with any one point at a time more difficult and entrenched.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the point of self judgement arises when I view myself against my faults and in turn grow in size within me making them seem insurmountable.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that this itself is a belief that I have imposed within myself to handle any attempts find a more effective path through my process where I have to literally fight with myself internally always.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simple solutions within this point where stopping myself is really the point to really bring to the front, because stopping my behavior of separation from a starting point of getting to undestand and express me as a responsible being, really looks more attractive then a life of fear, anger, sadness, and greed, which I a dress up to look positive.
Ok I will continue exploring energey within the starting point of my self movent within my process in the next post