190. Self forgiveness for 189.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself when presented with this paper with depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself take the piece of paper personally and from there let myself slide down within myself because I believed that the paper was actually only directed towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this paper secondarily with anger and that I am not to blame for what was written.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then go into a systematic experience of blame where I tried to figure out how my boss could have found out about all these things, and from there really only blaming my co-worker.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that information about me was shared with my boss by my co-worker to further their position at the shelter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop the level of trust that I have with this person because in my mind she had betrayed me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like the whole thing was like having my work life turned upside down because I was really being questioned in the way that I conduct myself there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overly relaxed at my work to the point where I am not really treating it as a job anymore and just instead choose to do what I like to some extent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only see the necessary parts of the job as being important and from there let much of what could be done on the wayside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to really only see this job as something social where I interact with others and only really take that point as being the main focus of the job instead of taking all points within it as being important and worthy of attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take pride within how I conduct myself within my work ethic, not recognizing that this is actually a reflection of me as a being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself that being late is ok, and not really taking the personal sense of pride to show up to work on time every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the effort to really even try to work harder so I do not have to stay late to finish up the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so critical that staying late is something that I feel much be given back to me in some way which is generally with being allowed to come late.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become critical about one thing like staying late and yet to become overly uncritical about other things like getting there on time, using my phone etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this job is not a normal job and that the rules and ethic that I place on this job needs not be the same when my boss is not around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prove to myself that I cannot really trust myself to work within a set of rules laid down by my boss when I am alone or not in the presence of a authority figure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not in actuality become and walk within my workplace my own sense of authority and integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own prejudices about authority influence the way that I react to people in my life who are my boss in a workplace as has been with any other of my jobs through-out my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be looking for the least strenuous work experience at work where I really only put in effort sometimes when its needed, but otherwise do not if I am not challenged.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to challenge myself in the workplace to remain present within myself and how I move myself within that workplace.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own personal judgments and expectations about how the system should operate take me over within how this system operate and from there allow myself to lost respect for the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the shelter and the conduct at the shelter as minimal in terms of support for people staying and living there and in turn come to the conclusion that I cannot do anything about that and just give only minimal support from myself through doing only what is barely required and more specifically wasting time while I am there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger to exist within me when I am face with authority figures that I judge as having no clue what is really going on and who use charm and coercion to get things done their way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing that this is precisely what I have resorted to to get things done when it comes to these authority figures where I routinely play myself down to seem less intimidating within my example, and just standing within the belief that they just will not be able to understand me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to over time allow this to manifest within my work ethic as laziness and carelessness in regards of how I do the job, and not realizing that in time it will result in consequence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop caring so much about how I conduct myself at this job because I have decide to move on to another one and within that I tell myself that it does not really matter what or how I do things at this job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the importance of learning and maintaining a work ethic that is effective through out the entirety of my time working somewhere and that this all really boils down to a base point of how I view me as a expression of myself.

Thanks, I will continue with the self corrective statements later.

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189. Who the F*** are you? Me as Authority.

Ok so a point I would like to continue with today is something that I have been touching on within some previous blogs and that has been taking place within my world at work over the past few days.

I started my work week on Wednesday and when I came in the first thing that I was presented with by my Co-worker was a sheet of paper to sign, I looked at the paper and instantly I noticed a dropping sensation within me like a depression set in within a few moments. The paper basically read from my boss that there was some rules being broken and that these things have to change and to sign if you acknowledge them.

What upset me was that this paper looked to be specifically directed towards me. There is only three kitchen staff currently working at the shelter and one of the points in the papers was officially recognizing one of the other workers that I work with as the manager from here on.

Now let me explain that I have become quite comfortable with my position at the shelter, I get along with mostly everyone, staff and the people that move their way through there. The job is easy in terms of cooking jobs, So I started relaxing within the way that I conducted myself there, for example one of the points was mentioning that you/I must be on the floor job early. I have not been, actually I have consistently been late as my actual boss is never there just my co-workers, and as the job goes I am leaving late most of the time as it takes longer then is allotted within the paid time, so within my mind it evens out.

So there was a few other points on the list that re-outlined the lay of the land in terms of what was to be expected within the kitchen. But undeniably it was directed at me since every point was something that I had been doing/not doing.

My initial reaction was anger, and blame towards my co-worker, jumping to the assumption that I had been thrown under the bus as we have had a somewhat unspoken bond in not telling our actual boss about any of our (tiny) transgressions in the workplace, like using our cellphones in other than official kitcheny business.

My co-worker’s personality is such that they are quite over bearing within wanting things to be done their way, and within that I have had no problem differing to the way they would like things to be done even when I know that there is a better way that things could be done as I have made my case in other situations before with not very pleasant results and have seen how this could be avoided without conflict through just differing to the others opinion. The thing that has come up more recently is that this is the way they want it done so do not argue, and now they have been made the manager even more so now.

Within all of this I have kind of noticed a growing resentment within my attitude at work and towards this particular individual. Focusing mainly and going into how all these points of how they have not been conducting themselves in their work ethic, and expression. I am placing the focus on justify my actions towards their actions. Giving myself all sorts of allowances for my behaviour against how they have been behaving, and getting angry and upset because I judge my behavior to not be as bad or more effective then theirs.

So when this all came to a consequence of being called out on my behaviour I immediately and automatically came to the conclusion it must have been this individual that “ratted me out”.

After some breathing and consideration I quickly realized that this was totally ridiculous of me and that this was absolutely my own doing. I WAS NOT taking things/this responsibly. WAS NOT being effective at work, and WAS NOT being honest within my approach to the job. Everything that was mentioned was true and I was actually just being faced with the truth that I did/do not want to admit to.
I had let myself sink to deeply into comfort there, allowed myself to not take the job seriously, and just let my ethic within my job slide into a point of not really giving pride to what I am capable of, just a sort of “the clients are not complaining so everything is cool” sort of attitude. Not seeing that I am capable of much more and that there is plenty of irrelevant and unproductive behaviour that I have been accepting and allowing of myself there.

I realize that a lot of this behaviour has much to do with my non acceptance of others as any sort of authority towards me in general and a separation of creating myself as the actual authority within my world as who I am choosing to be for myself within this world. I resent authority figures because I really have not become my own authority as of yet.

I have noticed this and over the past couple of shifts I have changed my behavior to a more quiet and focused disposition, cutting back on my involvement of conversation and opinion to one of more relevance of what is needed to get the job done effectively and without placing myself in a level of comfort and relaxation as laziness or preference, to one that is more professional.

Also another point is that I have decided to move on to another job fairly soon and as such noticed that in previous positions I have towards the end of my time at jobs not applied myself to the fullest extent that I am able and instead just slide by within the bare minimum of what is required.

I will continue with self forgiveness on this experience and correct it accordingly in the next post.

188. Fear of authority as writing.

So I will pick up where I left off last time in another post now I would like to write about something that I have been continuing to explore within my experience within writing and motivation myself to write.

I did some writing in my notebook and after some digging I noticed that my experience within my relationship to writing is a negative association with authority. Like when I was young I was always out and about being physically active, playing games, sports, etc. But when it came to sitting down and doing something with a pen and paper, that was just now my interest. What occurs to me is that the negative charge that arose around school and homework really has to do with being called in to do work when I did not want to, I was never really explained to why this was important, other then emotionally charged reasons or fear of punishment. Whilst I do not remember the initial instance I notice that this took place over time and follows a familiar trend.

So a solution to this problem of seeing work/writing as something that is negatively charged within me as something that I do not want to do, would be to correct this relationship within myself. To make it something that I enjoy to do on a constant and consistent basis, which is to, for one get to know myself better each day through this process of self realization, and self forgiveness and two to expand myself within the scope of what I can do which is to move myself within words.

I can redefine myself within the experience of writing to one where I see the value and importance of working myself out and walking myself bit by bit out of this mess and tangle of thoughts/idea/beliefs that I hold myself convicted to and within.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself become totally dictated by and as a belief that I do not enjoy sitting and writing, no matter what the topic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always look for the fun in every situation and therefore only every go looking for the experience of positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the trap the I create for myself when only ever allowing myself to participate in experiences that I believe that are fun, not seeing that to really get to the heart/root of who I have only been allowing and accepting myself to be take time and effort in arenas that I will not consider fun or positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only place myself in the position to do writing or homework when I was faced with the fear of a punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this fear of punishment mentality has really lead the way within my life to always put of the work/tasks that I need to be done until I sense that the time is coming up when a punishment/consequence is imminent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this constant model of waiting and postponing myself until the last moment is really that same structure that this world is facing as the growing problem with such things like the oil/waste/environmental issues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear of reprisal/consequence to actually blind me to the fact/point that this is the cause of the postponement of self motivation and in such I am really the creator of my own consequence of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back from moving myself into these arenas because I hold onto memories of the past that involve a negative experience/charge with authority of which my parents held the main position of as a child growing up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only react to this authority with spite and anger at not understanding the value of working on self at the time and instead just accepted the anger and resentment as a personal attack on my experiences as positivity at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in the present as a direct relationship to the past experience and never really giving myself the opportunity to question these reactions, and instead just believing them to be validated and correct within the emotions, feelings and thoughts that come up when faced with a genuine opportunity to really experience me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see or realize that really investigating me takes more than emotions, thoughts, or feelings but actually takes will to do what is best for myself as all in all situations, meaning that pushing myself through the resistance to first sort out myself falls within that category of doing what is best for all because that is what is really best for me.

I forgive myself to not accept and allow myself to understand that I cannot move myself within this world with any real, effective and practical way unless I am actually facing me in each moment.

So when and as I see myself basing my current experience on ones from the past patterns that I taught myself as a youth I stop and breathe and just remember that the past experiences are only a mind created experience that exists only because I accept and allow them to be real.

And thus I commit myself to stop the connection to the emotions that I have toward work/writing based within, and standing as the negative outlook that I have built around authority.

I commit myself to stop the myself from experiencing myself as and with the idea that this outlook actually stems from a fear of consequence in which the fear is really the motivation, and not self. So I commit self to become the real motivation that I place myself within when facing myself within and as writing/sitting to write.

I commit myself to let go of the idea/belief that writing/homework/self investigation is really boring which really is not something that should be looked as something that is practical, and bring this back to something that is practical in nature like making a effort to remain here as breathe when I am faced with deterrents from the mind when looking to start or continue writing as self.

When and as I see myself falling back to old habits around motivation to write I stop myself and breathe and remind myself that these are only mind patterns and that they do not have to define me as a being, and if they do that this is not really me, but the mind consciousness systems as habitual resonance.

I commit myself to form new habitual patterns within me that are based on and stand as what is best for all as what is best for myself, not stopping and self sabotaging me to procrastinate or tell myself that I am not capable.

When and as I stand within the belief that I am not able to do something as I think that it does not fit into what I consider myself to be capable of doing because of the way that I experience myself as within a feeling/emotion/thought I stop and breathe and realize that in these situations most of time that I am really only sabotaging myself and that I am totally capable I just need to step up to the plate within myself, and realize that any kind of self judgement of myself and what I am or am not capable of is purely of the mind.

I commit myself to do what is needed to be down/committed with my process no matter what my past feelings towards work may have been or what my mind continues to feed me to deter me away from figuring out who I am.

I commit myself to stop projecting ideas and beliefs about myself onto me when I am facing myself within writing and instead to take a practical solution of just breathing through the resistance an pushing myself to write no matter what comes up.

When and as I see myself facing the immense amount of distractions and competition to me, to gain/accept/allow my attention and focus I stop myself and breathe and realize that despite whatever I have accepted and allowed to exist within me my who life I am able to stand up and make a choice to sit and practically work myself out and work myself through in writing.

I commit myself to for once and for all use the gift of will to will myself to do what is best for me always which is to sort through my mind and get rid of all the garbage that prevents me from standing up and being who I am fully capable of being within this one life, instead of abdicating all the responsibility over to external events/memories/people.

I commit myself to realize that any and all of the breakthroughs that I have had so far within self have come and been the direct result of working myself out in a practical manner within physically writing and that this is really the only thing that has allowed me to change myself with a concrete directive ability that I can recognize and replicate effectively over again.

When and as I see myself missing days to things like TV shows and relaxing I stop myself breathe and ask myself a quick question as to why I am choosing to experience myself in such a way that places the submission of will as self in control of my experience here? And instead I commit myself to become the real will that wills myself to take care of my responsibility to create and walk as a responsible being in this world and places this before placing time for entertainment after when I have shown myself that I can walk consistently.

Thanks.

187. My Violent Heart.

 

I have for much of my life been a very active person in terms of being able perform in any kind of sports with relative ease and proficiency. Martial arts was not really an exception, and although I have never really pursued or been in the position to follow through with any formal training for long I have always found it to be quite natural from the perspective that I have not struggled with it. What strikes me in this moment is that there is this point that I can see here that highlights the beliefs that I have about what I like and dislike. For example I have never really paid much attention to math, and although when I do pay attention I am quite good at math, the same goes for language. What is apparent is that I actually can and am able to excel at anything that I place my focus in, the limitation so far have been of a feeling/emotional relationship where I only pursue and place myself within things that I have a gratifying experience of.

In my mind I view martial arts as something that I was/am meant to do because I am good at it, but I never really looked at this from the point of view that maybe I am good at it because I am just placing emphasis on that particular activity, because of veneration that I have built up through time about the glamor of war, struggle, heroes, fighting and warrior soul mentality. Through the reading of much books in my childhood about warriors and heroes I built a view about this that really has influenced me in the present times.

I believe that I am supposed to learn to fight. That’s it. There is something in my head that tells me on some level that I should learn to defend myself, I see how this also has become the product of being bullied as a child and as a point of paranoia within the present day world. Not participating and standing up for others in situations that I have had the chance to step into. Many situations that I have accepted and allowed to weigh me down because I did not step up and step in. The fear of myself being a coward, the fear of others finding me a coward. Fighting within me and struggling with the idea that a man should not have cowardice within his heart, he as a man should be hard, strong, and stoic. But never have I been able to admit to that, that within those belief it’s just a mirror of who I really am, I venerate a violent stance because I am really just afraid. I find those that do battle and fight to be brave because the look at danger and face it anyway. Well when I am really self honest there is really very little within my life that I where I have ever really had to deal with any situation with violence.

On the flip side there really is nothing inherently bad about learning martial arts in fact from what I can tell at this stage it is a cool activity for learning focus, balance, and discipline. Yet like everything else that I have accepted as “good” or “required” within my world it looses that simplicity when I attach it to memories and fears. Like the fear of being attacked or others around me being attack for example, to the point where I start to judge others around me for their capability of violence, and picture the ways to defend or attack a person should it come to blows…. it never has.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to learn how to fight.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am meant to become a warrior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this belief is really only rooted in fear, where I do not wish to be humiliated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only belief that being a male requires strength, and hardness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop this view from the books I read as a child and then evolved them through time as my experiences of myself within other activities like skateboarding and drug use where I convinced myself that if I did not push myself to the limit of pain physically and emotionally that I was not really fulfilling my role as a true male.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the real expression of myself here as life, and realizing that the stance of constantly standing as a rock within myself left me very inflexible and unwilling to live a life that is actually full and without self-imposed limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing belief to rule me completely to the point where I only see the belief and not really what the belief is representing which is a fear response.

I forgive myself for never accepting and allowing myself really be here now as this moment of breath to look past the fear and anxiety of worrying about my life and the life of those I “loved”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that while I stand as/with the fear of the belief that those I have cared about and myself are in danger constantly that I have stopped myself from seeing or realizing any real permanent solution to the violence in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simplicity that violence begets violence in this world as exemplified in countless examples around the world through the exaction of explotation and revenge of individuals as well as nations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I am able to participate with learning to fight that I am meant to become a warrior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the motivation behind learning to fight is one of benevolence and protection of myself when in fact this is really a basis of suppressing a fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the real and permanent solution of stopping violence in the world is not through learning how to become an instrument and participant of violence but instead to become the directive principle of myself as an expression of life here within breathe in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the idea that becoming a warrior for good is a noble and respected position to uphold within society where I will gain status as one who will stand in the place of those that are weak.

I forgive myself to accept and allow myself judge others within this world as weak and that I need to make myself strong to be able to stand up for and take the place for others, rather than realizing that this is really just a ploy within myself to gain acceptance and a hero status from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this belief mentality to cross over into and as not only this idea driving violence and martial arts but all areas of my world where everything I do is to gain a higher standing in the eyes of people around me.

Ok I will continue in the next post.

186. Letting go of heroism.

 

I’ve always like the idea of hero’s. I idolize the idea. I see how it is so easy pass the buck off onto a hero. How convenient. And while the hero is taking care of the business saving the world from the “bad guys” I can enjoy my lemonade.

I have been quite pulled into a tv series right now, I started writing about it this morning but I realized that I did not really matter what show it was it was the same kind of structure of what tv show, books, movies, games, that I always find myself attracted to. Mostly to do with some grand adventure, war, heroics, etc. Something that I am not really considering here is why do I venerate this ideal so much? I have written about this point before I seem to remember but the point still remains to some degree. I mean I can see the point but there is still an emotional attachment that I can sense when watching the struggle of human beings against ordeal, evil, and destruction. This touches back to a point I wrote about a little while ago within my addiction to sadness, I become saddened by the struggle, yet believe that it is necessary, that we have to war our way out of this and that is the only just cause to be had.

Misguided, it seems. I see some self honesty is need within this point where the way that I look at heroes and heroics is really just a point of lack within me, I do not believe, or do not have faith within myself that I can do this for me, that I cannot stand on my own and that I need heroes to guide and walk first, and lean on for support. I even see this within the way that I look at some of the Destonians. Never really taking and personal accountability for my own actions, or rather in the this case lack of action. I am blaming the situation that I am in, and yet not taking control of what I can I just allow myself to be pulled into these stories of heroes, excitement and adventure.

The sadness is really about something that I do not see in myself, something that I am not allowing myself to live as a continuous movement within me, standing up for life as one and equal, not as a hero that needs to save the day but just as an ordinary human being that realizes there is something not right going on in the world and that which I can do within my world has to be the utmost focus within my reality. Not for any reward, other than the reward of all existing as the fullest expression of ourselves always.

So what can I do, for one I can change the behaviour of just endlessly looking to the media to provoke these types of relationships to heroics that I have carried my whole life. And I am not saying that I need to cut out watching shows or movies or reading fiction, but rather to become more aware of the tendencies that I have to them as emotionally and idealistic reactions coming up within me when I watch/read them. Secondly I can really start limiting my interactions with what I choose to do with my time. Instead of placing the emphasis of my day on this time spent “relaxing”, I can re-invest the time back into working on myself and participating in that which I can do to place myself in a position to learn more about me, how I got here, the story that we are really facing in this world and take interest in that instead of fictionally reminiscent worlds that are provoking an emotional struggle that I would think is real.

The point that I am missing is that I have to be the one. I have to become the one that decides for me who I will be. I have to choose what I will and will not stand for within my world. Not because I want to be recognized, remembered and idolized by others but because I realize that there is nothing or no one else out there but me.
Ultimately it comes down to at the end of the day I am the one who is directing me within how I choose to express myself and how. I need to become the real directive principle of and about how I conduct myself within this world and that I am the one that I am waiting on to make the next move, take the next step. Waiting on and wanting some heroic ideal to step up and slap me in the face to wake me up is really just foolish because those ideals never have moved me in the past, and in self honesty have only prolonged me in this journey to stand by and not take matters into my own hands.

And so I commit myself to take a stand for myself and walk this journey with the utmost capability that I can afford to which is really being self honest within who I choose to become and who I accept and allow myself to be in each moment. Real or just ego.

185. Value in a message.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a greater value on one particular person more than another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base this value within things like familiarity, past experiences with the person, growing up together, not seeing how these experiences are and have been within a context of separation always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the actual reality of the equality and oneness as substance of the physical, where all beings are in fact one and equal so that and greater value given to one over another is actually a judgement of that being given to them within my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a particular being to change because I view them as being close to me. And through my own sets of value judgements I fool myself into sharing too much with another to the point where it begins to be about fulfilling my own needs rather than supporting the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I do not need to defend myself through my process and that taking responsibility for me within my world at this point is what I can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to something another being said and felt like I needed to clarify my reasoning for future event because this other being I have valued as being close to me and “needed” them to understand.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that while changing within me I can begin to see the actuality of what needs to take place in the world for real change to happen, and within that I do not realize that sharing certain things with the other really is not relevant and becomes less about sharing and more about defence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be triggered by another’s reaction to me telling them my future plans, believing that this has any sort of effect on me, and believing that I must have this particular beings “blessings” to move forward with this plan, rather than sticking to the commitments to living a principled life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe when writing a response to this person and not seeing how this response then is filled with knowledge and information that is not actually relevant to the other being, and in fact could provoke a more serious reaction from them as it was originally written from with a reaction within me and in defence of myself on some level.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my response at the same time and judge the non reply of this person as a sign of anger and then judge myself before even knowing what the real scenario is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the future look closely at the way that I reply to certain people and at the value that I am placing towards particular beings within my world to be sure that I am not overcompensating for one more than another.

So when and as I see myself placing more value on another based on any sort of prerequisite conditions I stop myself and breathe and realize that all are one and equal and that if I cannot value all as such my particular sense of values are skewed to a limited bandwidth of conditions.

I commit myself to understand that value of one over another is not real and is actually happening only in my mind.

When and as I see myself placing value judgements on anything over another I stop myself and breathe, and commit myself to understand that the mental categorization of my opinions about others/things is not real and the not realizing the only real differences between things/people/animals is the physical parameters in which they operate and function with this world. The value that I personally attach to them is not.

I commit myself to stop the categorization of people and things, to stop the value judgements that I attach to them, and instead start to see the world that it really is as equal and one here in physicality.

I commit myself to the reality that the physical world is reality as this is the anchor point of my individual existence here and that this is really the only proof that I need and the entire judgement/value/thinking system exists only within my physical body as something that I choice to accept and allow to exist as a participation factor within me.

I commit myself to be here instead and choose to remain as much as I can here in the physical breathe and the world that I can see and touch to minimize the influence of my mind systems on others at this stage and instead just focus on the process of walking myself step by step out of my mind.

When and as I see myself reacting on any level where I start to feel the need to defend my position in any way I stop myself and breathe and recognize that anything that is share within the starting point of a defensive stance will ultimately be skewed to that starting point.

And thus I commit myself to stop myself when I notice myself reacting and force myself to reconsider what my next step will be and what is relevant and pertinent to share at that time.

When and as I see myself wanting share more and more with this particular being I stop myself and breathe and realize that this wanting, this desire is really just a clue to see that I myself have not fully lived up to this point of walking these points in a consistent way.

And thus I commit myself to stop the interactions that I have with people in general until I have established within myself that my starting point is clear always.

I commit myself to stop the placement of who I think is important to “get it” within my world more than another, based on my own judgements of the other.

I commit myself to then only share when I am asked about a particular point. And recognize within myself when the things I say stop being about supporting the other being and are really about self-interest.

I commit myself to understand that failure to do so can result in serious reactions with others and unnecessary conflict within others.

I commit myself to find the self-control to realize when it is a good time to share and with whom instead of just placing a particular being in the headlights so to speak because I see them as someone who needs to “get it”

I commit myself to stop feeling sad/bad about this person not getting it or not being willing to look at things another way, and realize that for change to happen for real most of us here with have to “get it” but that really starts within me and my world, how I live and who I am.

When and as I see myself sharing from a point of breathe and I second guess myself I stop myself and breathe and recognize the fear point that has arisen within me where my past experiences have influenced my self view of and how I judge myself within this world.

And so I commit myself to stop the self-doubt that comes up when I DO see that it is relevant to share.

I commit myself to learn to really commit to the things that I say and write when I do see that it is relevant and appropriate to share instead of holding back within myself because of past experiences.

I commit myself to find my nerve with people so I am not constantly held within a prison of my own hand when faced with expressing myself.

Within that I commit myself to really begin to pay attention to what I am choosing to say in a aware manner of where the starting points of me choosing to speak lay within.

184. More on 182.

 

When and as I see myself blaming the way that I was raised as to why I cannot take on my mind, I stop and breathe and realize that while yes the way that I was raised and how I grew up through time has shaped the way that I am experiencing myself at this point in my life, this has nothing to do with how I direct myself here.

I commit myself to realize that the past cannot be undone it is the relationship that I have with the past that can be changed.

I commit myself to realize that I am do not have to let the way I was raised or the past events that I went through rule over me with free reign, instead I can investigate the events when I notice that something that is linked to an event comes up so I am able to see how I am still holding on to the past.

I commit myself to stop the blame that I hold my parents in for the much confusion and hardships that it led to a realization that there is nothing that can be done about that and instead realize what I can do about that here, which is to never let the blame influence the way that I express myself to them or others because of those events anymore.

I commit myself to see how wanting to blame my past and those events are really just an excuse to relive the emotions and feelings of those times, as like a validation point to constantly live within depression.

I commit myself to realize that throughout my whole life I have essentially become addicted to sadness, where I have accumulated a preference for the melancholy.

When and as I see myself wanting to be sad, depressed, or welcoming those emotions and looking to intensify them I stop myself and breathe and realize that I am trying to turn up the drama in my own life so as to justify not facing myself here.

I commit myself to realize the wool that I have pulled over my eyes where I have created a subtle belief system that I will never be able to escape my mind and that I will be sad forever, and thinking that is cool and beautiful to be sad or more humanistic actually.

I commit myself to change this scenario to one where I walk with myself in self-confidence in the realization the these experiences are actually only occurring within my mind as belief systems and opinions, and that this really has nothing to do with me being here, breathing. And that if I look self honestly these only are reflections of the past experiences that I grew up with and have come to accept as who I am through time.

I commit myself to stop the sadness as a way to keep me from realizing myself as breath here in this present moment.

I commit myself to the realization that this addiction is a way for me to just cover up the response-ability that I am capable of gifting to myself as being here as breathe.

I commit myself to accept that these previous experiences have always been within the mind consciousness system and that this is in fact living of the physical in which is depleting me over time, draining me of my essence as the actual life force of equality and oneness as the physical realm.

I commit myself to see how my actions are directly related to my emotional state and the when I refuse to look at/investigate/change myself that there is a spill over effect/consequence that occurs which will inevitably cause the depletion of the physical world around me through time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this point of depletion seems like it is not relevant because I cannot see it as it moves gradually through time/move in other parts of the world or countries.

When and as I see myself participating in moments of just doing what I want in disregard of the consequence I stop myself and breathe and realize that no matter how small the point of separation that there will always be a consequence that comes up, whether it is within my individual experience of myself or within the greater community of life here when I act in disregard of life there will be a depletion.

I commit myself to stop the depletion of the physical through the investigation of my mind, and the deconstruction of my mind, so as to stand finally one and equal with what is here, life as the physical world.

I commit myself to bring about a world that is best for all through stopping my participation in my own thought realm which is based only in the friction and stimulation of energy.

I commit myself to stop the preoccupation of self with in my world as distraction from/as fulfilling the need to fight a deep-set depression that I have carried around for many years. And instead see the practically that is obvious within the bringing myself back here.

I commit myself to breathe through the temptation to hold myself in a paralysis of fear of the failure that is the root of the sadness/depression.

I commit myself to realize that failures are inevitable and unavoidable but to stop succumbing to the fear of them and instead see them as the opportunities that they are to learn about myself and improve on the next time/point so the failures become less and further apart until I come to a point of perfection of self-expression where I am perfect from the point of view that I can walk with complete integrity of self honesty and self directive ability.

183. Self commitments for 182.

So when and as I see myself not participating with myself with process I stop and breathe and realize that I am the only one who can do this, noone else is able to walk this for me.

When and as I see myself not wanting to participate because of a feeling I stop myself and breathe reminding myself that the feeling of not wanting to do this is actually a link in the design of procrastination and laziness trapping me within similar experiences of myself in the past as now.

When and as I see myself allowing and accepting myself to exist as procrastination I because this is all I have ever known I stop myself and breathe and will myself into a new expression of myself here.

I commit myself to see the importance of self within the stopping of this system where I must become the directive principale of my life within my daily experience of myself.

I commit myself to realize that when a feeling of not wanting to apply myself within my commitments comes up that this is really a point of transendence in which I need to push through and be here, recognizing that this is how I walk, day to day and become that priciple of self honesty.

I commit myself to realize that this is how each and every system operates within me where there is always a feeling/emotion that is associated with the desire/point of lack/separation that must be transended to be able to walk as the here moment.

When and as I see myself blaming others and becomeing anger and upset towards another because I beging thinking that they are preventing me from investigating me, I stop myself and breathe, realizing that this is totally backwards and that its me that is preventing myself by not standing within my commitments to myself and in such am really upset and angry at me, and direct this through onto other people as how I view them and then judge them as well.

I commit myself to stop myself from placing all of these self critisims onto other people and when I notice myself doing this to really have a honest look as to why do I not want to take self responsibility for the moment, which is really a choice to react in emotions and feelings.

I commit myself to stop the judgements of others within how they expereince themselves and recognize that what is really relevent to my life is how I am experiencing myself, and within judgement of others I am not really experiencing myself as here but rather accepting myself as he mind.

When and as I see myself judging others and myself I stop myself and recognize this as a trend that I have accumulated through time where I compare myself and my experience to anothers as a way to not have to face myself and secretly not want to apply myself to me.

I commit myself to stop the system of comparision within me and instead focus myself always back to myself and what I am doing to make my experience of myself here better from the perspective of working through the mind systems that still exist within me.

When and as I see myself covering up my own unwillingness to do that with a feeling of guiltiness I stop myself and breathe and realize that the guilt is really only another trap to keep me from moving myself, and instead just holds me within that cycle of moving from the desire to suppressing the desire.

And thus I commit myself to stop the guiltiness as a way to just cope with my unwilliness to face me in the here moment as walking myself out of the mind in process.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of moving from procrastination and laziness to feeling guilty and from there getting stuck in that experience of myself.

I commit myself to see how the only way to get out of that experience is to push through in a expression of myself as breathe here and walking myself with consistentcy and self honesty about who I really am.

I commit myself to realize that who I really am is not laziness or guilt, but here as breathe one and equal with life in each moment.

I commit myself to see how any other experience is really just the mind looking to create a energetic flow so as to keep me trapped here within a existence of limitation where I do not and cannot reach my full potential.

Ok I gotta stop here as its time to go to work but I will write some more after.

182. Doing what I want, and blaming it on others.

So I have not blogged for a few days now and I was looking at some points to do with why not. Mostly what I can see is that again I have not been setting a point of dedicated time aside. I have always really walked this lifestyle of just doing whatever I feel like, when I feel like. Never really attending to anything with any dedication. So when faced with this point of having to organize my life and set a routine for myself I face some extreme resistance. But at this stage there is a lot of guilt that is going along with it. And blame towards some people, in like such a way where I see that I do not just work through my own resistance and because I see where other people are at and do not see why I have to when I do not really FEEL like it.

Within that I notice a anger coming up in regards to others like a impatient anger. I can see how this all really is all coming back to how I am experiencing myself here. I am choosing to use others as my excuse as to why I am not able to direct myself here in this moment. I start viewing others as distractions, rather then realizing that I am accepting and allowing myself to stand within the a distracted state, which really is just not wanting to face myself in every moment. I always continue to blame the things/people external from myself rather then seeing the simplistic point that I am only becoming upset, frustrated, anger, impatient, doubtful because I am not yet standing within myself as commitment, dedication, determination, organization, perseverance, and self trust. I continue to look at others shortfalls because they are my shortfalls I just do not want to admit it. So…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not blog because I have not felt like it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the real reasoning behind not blogging as a general unwillingness to change the systems of how I have always conducted myself within feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the resistance that I am facing within not wanting to do this is actually only the preprogramming of the mind and that it must be pushed through to become effective and trustworthy with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place a tie in where I see where others are at and I how I am experiencing myself and I then face this point of not really feeling like investigating me because I see others are not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still place importance on what others are doing within there lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the self interest within this approach of myself and that this is really a way to fufill my desire to not face myself while lessening the guilt that comes with that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the guilt is a polarity experience where I go into a procrastination of sorts and hold myself within this guilt experience because I REALLY do not want to face me so I create this experience of guilt that I can ease through various methods.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others as to why I am unable to dedicate time to myself and become anger at the other because apparently they are preventing me from taking myself on in each moment when in fact it has always been me self sabotaging my experience from the beginning because I do not want to admit that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to admit to myself that I am the actual source of all my points of indeterminism because underneath it all I have just not taking myself on within the point of addiction to sadness, addiction to depression, I do not really know how to be satisfied with who I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever give myself the points that will suppress the dark/negative polarity with the opposite, like a burying process where I just shovel lumps of positivity on top of it, even though the positive experiences are quite mundane like watching tv, smoking a cigarette, as well as porn and masturbation. I always have USED experiences like this to cover up the deep depression that I have lived for a long time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest this depression within my current situation as a suppresion of such activities, as well as guilt towards myself when I am falling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to lessen the guilt in a endless cycle of externalization of energy where I then just look at what others are doing and compare with where they stand and then use this as a justification point so I do not have to feel so guilty anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then cover up the guilt completely through blaming others and becoming upset and aggrevated towards others and start to secreatly perceieve them to be sabotaging me when really this is all just a cover up for my own self judgement of my inability to direct me effectively.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this point as obvious because it extends to animals where I begin to blame animals around me for making to much noices and distracting me and getting annoyed and angry, when they do not even have a conceptualization of what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this is really just another way for me to not take responsibility for myself and constantly place that responsibility outside of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become committed with myself in willing myself to form a consistant and effective routine in which I am able to take care of my commitment in a way that is really self supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand apart from what I have lived my entire life and not see how this is really a matter of breaking the routine and habits that I have accepted as me for this whole time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this is just who I am and there is nothing that I can do about that when really it is just a product of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through time and that this can be redesigned, it only takes effort to push through the old habits and put in new ones.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a product of how I was raised.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate blame on my parents for the way that I was raised when in fact it is no ones fault really, since this has been the scenario for generations and that this will continue if I buy into the belief that there is nothing that can be done and I cannot change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on the way I was raised as a way to sidestep the responsiblity of redesigning myself into a self honest being who is committed to myself to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt at placing blame on my parents and feeling guilt at and in the anger that I have experienced towards my upbringing so I do not ever look at the responsiblity that I am able to take for myself, and instead have always subltly shifted the blame away from myself always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that at the heart of this is it is really about not wanting to stand for me and that I will always default to a systems of procrastination and laziness because I am upset and angry at heart because I am unsatisfied at what I was given in this world, instead of being grateful at where I am today and utilizing it as a point of leverage within my life and realizing how fortunate I really am to be in the position that I am, and that any other reasoning for not standing and moving myself is really only whining to myself.

Ok I will finish up this post in the morning.

181. Why can’t I just write for me? Pt.2

 

When and as I see myself placing a projection of myself within the writing that do for my blog I stop and breathe and realize the blog is really only a reflection of my realization and that the blog is not the end all to be all of this process.

When and as I see myself putting a value judgement on myself to write a “good” blog, which means that others will read it and like it I stop myself and realize that the blog then has really stopped being about me.

And thus I commit to recognize when my blog is being written for others and not myself.

I commit myself to only write my blog when I am certain that I am writing as a real expression of me.

I commit myself to see how when I am really writing for myself that it will not always come out as a work of art. and that when I see myself manipulating the way something sounds to appeal to others that I am not really writing for me anymore.

When and as I see myself lost within the reason or starting point of why I am doing this I stop myself and breathe and remember that this is really about bringing myself back here, back to this breathe and stopping the mind.

I commit myself to see how this standing up in me is a way that I can do my part in this world in becoming the most that I can be by being here in each moment, becoming trust worth and aware of myself so I can do and become the living principle of equality and oneness for myself first.

I commit myself to see that self investigation that is real can only be done when my self talk is real, where I explore myself through my writing and process of forgiveness in the moment, and commit myself to realize that this is really a point of personal dedication.

I commit myself to see that the value within dedicating myself to myself within this process is that this is a process of equalization with all life so dedicating my focus to myself in deconstructing myself is really a dedication to life as all things as learning what is best for all and aligning myself with that as a personal principle within my life.

I commit myself to recognize the pitfalls to want to become bigger and better then what I am, become more special within and appear more than what I really am within my writing image, and to avoid then with the simple reminder that I am no more or less then anyone else.

I commit myself to see how the writing itself is quite simple within its nature at this stage and to see how it is when I start to get to complex within the nature of the blog that I begin to get lost and lose the initial point of the blog and thus commit to keeping it simple at this point and just going with the flow of the writing instead of pushing to find the point or reach a finish line because this is actually manipulation of the writing.

I commit myself to write more outside of my blog to show myself that I am committed to myself and not just to showing others what I am doing but to gain personal perspective in what I doing for me and why.

I commit myself to realize that this blog is really a point of conclusion of the days realizations of what I have done and walked for the day, or a place to share something that had really stood out within my process, and not the pinnacle of my process where it is the only thing that I do.

When and as I see the past coming through in the way that conduct myself in writing where I am just looking to appeal to others as I did so within my past with my parents and peers I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back here and remember that I am really in this for me and forming a real relationship with myself.

I commit myself to forming and walking a real trust with myself in which I do not require to appeal myself and give myself over to the acceptance of other beings within my circle to stimulate a feeling of being adequate.

I commit myself to understand that become adequate is really a matter of becoming as effective as I can within my reality in this moment. Doing things in such a way that benefits me in realizing myself as one and equal in the fastest and least convoluted round about way.

All for now.