180. Why can’t I just write for me?

 

So still here looking at this point of where I am standing presently I have been doing some writing in a notebook to just explore a bit of what it means to really let go. What I have been finding with my blog is that the “style” of writing changes slightly when I am really writing for myself or when I know that someone will read it. I for sure can see a difference which tells me that something is not clear within my starting point still.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set my blog apart from my personal journey here, back to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within a belief that my blog is more important then the self writing that I do to support me within my journey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this belief into the realm of reality where I manipulate my writing to sound better or more advanced in some way when I know the it will be in the public arena.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of placing myself in self honesty within all my writing to the point where it is always me exposing myself to me and not about what others may thing or judge about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared about what I have allowed myself to be and do not accept me in my entirety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point that I am facing myself always and that the real issue here is if I am facing me in all aspects of my journey. Who am I within it?

I forgive myself for accepting myself to be unclear about where I stand and for what reason within this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, recognize and understand that reason to be the stabilization of myself as a equal and one responsible being, living within the limitation of this physical world to prove to myself, and others as myself that I do not need the mind and to live here in energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to gain energy from others in the form of acceptance and not see how this way of existing has been my default for a long time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this point has been with me since a child where I looked for acceptance always outside of me within my family unit and my surrounding peer group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the inadequacy actually started back then with the style of parenting that I was raise in where I was not taught to accept myself within the true expressive nature of myself but rather coaxed to parrot existing models of behavior and belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing these past events and patterns to continue effecting me to this day where I do not actually stand up for myself as equality and oneness in each moment and instead have define my experience to and as feeling adequate in others eyes, like looking adequate and acceptable to my parents when I was a child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to stand apart from those experiences and thus form a rebellion within myself and constantly am trying to fight myself within me and for feelings of acceptance within me over this point of wanting to adequate to others and never really looking at what is adequate as/for myself here.

Ok I will look at more in the next post.

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