182. Doing what I want, and blaming it on others.

So I have not blogged for a few days now and I was looking at some points to do with why not. Mostly what I can see is that again I have not been setting a point of dedicated time aside. I have always really walked this lifestyle of just doing whatever I feel like, when I feel like. Never really attending to anything with any dedication. So when faced with this point of having to organize my life and set a routine for myself I face some extreme resistance. But at this stage there is a lot of guilt that is going along with it. And blame towards some people, in like such a way where I see that I do not just work through my own resistance and because I see where other people are at and do not see why I have to when I do not really FEEL like it.

Within that I notice a anger coming up in regards to others like a impatient anger. I can see how this all really is all coming back to how I am experiencing myself here. I am choosing to use others as my excuse as to why I am not able to direct myself here in this moment. I start viewing others as distractions, rather then realizing that I am accepting and allowing myself to stand within the a distracted state, which really is just not wanting to face myself in every moment. I always continue to blame the things/people external from myself rather then seeing the simplistic point that I am only becoming upset, frustrated, anger, impatient, doubtful because I am not yet standing within myself as commitment, dedication, determination, organization, perseverance, and self trust. I continue to look at others shortfalls because they are my shortfalls I just do not want to admit it. So…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not blog because I have not felt like it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the real reasoning behind not blogging as a general unwillingness to change the systems of how I have always conducted myself within feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the resistance that I am facing within not wanting to do this is actually only the preprogramming of the mind and that it must be pushed through to become effective and trustworthy with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place a tie in where I see where others are at and I how I am experiencing myself and I then face this point of not really feeling like investigating me because I see others are not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still place importance on what others are doing within there lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the self interest within this approach of myself and that this is really a way to fufill my desire to not face myself while lessening the guilt that comes with that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the guilt is a polarity experience where I go into a procrastination of sorts and hold myself within this guilt experience because I REALLY do not want to face me so I create this experience of guilt that I can ease through various methods.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others as to why I am unable to dedicate time to myself and become anger at the other because apparently they are preventing me from taking myself on in each moment when in fact it has always been me self sabotaging my experience from the beginning because I do not want to admit that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to admit to myself that I am the actual source of all my points of indeterminism because underneath it all I have just not taking myself on within the point of addiction to sadness, addiction to depression, I do not really know how to be satisfied with who I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever give myself the points that will suppress the dark/negative polarity with the opposite, like a burying process where I just shovel lumps of positivity on top of it, even though the positive experiences are quite mundane like watching tv, smoking a cigarette, as well as porn and masturbation. I always have USED experiences like this to cover up the deep depression that I have lived for a long time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest this depression within my current situation as a suppresion of such activities, as well as guilt towards myself when I am falling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to lessen the guilt in a endless cycle of externalization of energy where I then just look at what others are doing and compare with where they stand and then use this as a justification point so I do not have to feel so guilty anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then cover up the guilt completely through blaming others and becoming upset and aggrevated towards others and start to secreatly perceieve them to be sabotaging me when really this is all just a cover up for my own self judgement of my inability to direct me effectively.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this point as obvious because it extends to animals where I begin to blame animals around me for making to much noices and distracting me and getting annoyed and angry, when they do not even have a conceptualization of what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this is really just another way for me to not take responsibility for myself and constantly place that responsibility outside of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become committed with myself in willing myself to form a consistant and effective routine in which I am able to take care of my commitment in a way that is really self supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand apart from what I have lived my entire life and not see how this is really a matter of breaking the routine and habits that I have accepted as me for this whole time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this is just who I am and there is nothing that I can do about that when really it is just a product of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through time and that this can be redesigned, it only takes effort to push through the old habits and put in new ones.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a product of how I was raised.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate blame on my parents for the way that I was raised when in fact it is no ones fault really, since this has been the scenario for generations and that this will continue if I buy into the belief that there is nothing that can be done and I cannot change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on the way I was raised as a way to sidestep the responsiblity of redesigning myself into a self honest being who is committed to myself to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt at placing blame on my parents and feeling guilt at and in the anger that I have experienced towards my upbringing so I do not ever look at the responsiblity that I am able to take for myself, and instead have always subltly shifted the blame away from myself always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that at the heart of this is it is really about not wanting to stand for me and that I will always default to a systems of procrastination and laziness because I am upset and angry at heart because I am unsatisfied at what I was given in this world, instead of being grateful at where I am today and utilizing it as a point of leverage within my life and realizing how fortunate I really am to be in the position that I am, and that any other reasoning for not standing and moving myself is really only whining to myself.

Ok I will finish up this post in the morning.

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