186. Letting go of heroism.


I’ve always like the idea of hero’s. I idolize the idea. I see how it is so easy pass the buck off onto a hero. How convenient. And while the hero is taking care of the business saving the world from the “bad guys” I can enjoy my lemonade.

I have been quite pulled into a tv series right now, I started writing about it this morning but I realized that I did not really matter what show it was it was the same kind of structure of what tv show, books, movies, games, that I always find myself attracted to. Mostly to do with some grand adventure, war, heroics, etc. Something that I am not really considering here is why do I venerate this ideal so much? I have written about this point before I seem to remember but the point still remains to some degree. I mean I can see the point but there is still an emotional attachment that I can sense when watching the struggle of human beings against ordeal, evil, and destruction. This touches back to a point I wrote about a little while ago within my addiction to sadness, I become saddened by the struggle, yet believe that it is necessary, that we have to war our way out of this and that is the only just cause to be had.

Misguided, it seems. I see some self honesty is need within this point where the way that I look at heroes and heroics is really just a point of lack within me, I do not believe, or do not have faith within myself that I can do this for me, that I cannot stand on my own and that I need heroes to guide and walk first, and lean on for support. I even see this within the way that I look at some of the Destonians. Never really taking and personal accountability for my own actions, or rather in the this case lack of action. I am blaming the situation that I am in, and yet not taking control of what I can I just allow myself to be pulled into these stories of heroes, excitement and adventure.

The sadness is really about something that I do not see in myself, something that I am not allowing myself to live as a continuous movement within me, standing up for life as one and equal, not as a hero that needs to save the day but just as an ordinary human being that realizes there is something not right going on in the world and that which I can do within my world has to be the utmost focus within my reality. Not for any reward, other than the reward of all existing as the fullest expression of ourselves always.

So what can I do, for one I can change the behaviour of just endlessly looking to the media to provoke these types of relationships to heroics that I have carried my whole life. And I am not saying that I need to cut out watching shows or movies or reading fiction, but rather to become more aware of the tendencies that I have to them as emotionally and idealistic reactions coming up within me when I watch/read them. Secondly I can really start limiting my interactions with what I choose to do with my time. Instead of placing the emphasis of my day on this time spent “relaxing”, I can re-invest the time back into working on myself and participating in that which I can do to place myself in a position to learn more about me, how I got here, the story that we are really facing in this world and take interest in that instead of fictionally reminiscent worlds that are provoking an emotional struggle that I would think is real.

The point that I am missing is that I have to be the one. I have to become the one that decides for me who I will be. I have to choose what I will and will not stand for within my world. Not because I want to be recognized, remembered and idolized by others but because I realize that there is nothing or no one else out there but me.
Ultimately it comes down to at the end of the day I am the one who is directing me within how I choose to express myself and how. I need to become the real directive principle of and about how I conduct myself within this world and that I am the one that I am waiting on to make the next move, take the next step. Waiting on and wanting some heroic ideal to step up and slap me in the face to wake me up is really just foolish because those ideals never have moved me in the past, and in self honesty have only prolonged me in this journey to stand by and not take matters into my own hands.

And so I commit myself to take a stand for myself and walk this journey with the utmost capability that I can afford to which is really being self honest within who I choose to become and who I accept and allow myself to be in each moment. Real or just ego.


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