187. My Violent Heart.

 

I have for much of my life been a very active person in terms of being able perform in any kind of sports with relative ease and proficiency. Martial arts was not really an exception, and although I have never really pursued or been in the position to follow through with any formal training for long I have always found it to be quite natural from the perspective that I have not struggled with it. What strikes me in this moment is that there is this point that I can see here that highlights the beliefs that I have about what I like and dislike. For example I have never really paid much attention to math, and although when I do pay attention I am quite good at math, the same goes for language. What is apparent is that I actually can and am able to excel at anything that I place my focus in, the limitation so far have been of a feeling/emotional relationship where I only pursue and place myself within things that I have a gratifying experience of.

In my mind I view martial arts as something that I was/am meant to do because I am good at it, but I never really looked at this from the point of view that maybe I am good at it because I am just placing emphasis on that particular activity, because of veneration that I have built up through time about the glamor of war, struggle, heroes, fighting and warrior soul mentality. Through the reading of much books in my childhood about warriors and heroes I built a view about this that really has influenced me in the present times.

I believe that I am supposed to learn to fight. That’s it. There is something in my head that tells me on some level that I should learn to defend myself, I see how this also has become the product of being bullied as a child and as a point of paranoia within the present day world. Not participating and standing up for others in situations that I have had the chance to step into. Many situations that I have accepted and allowed to weigh me down because I did not step up and step in. The fear of myself being a coward, the fear of others finding me a coward. Fighting within me and struggling with the idea that a man should not have cowardice within his heart, he as a man should be hard, strong, and stoic. But never have I been able to admit to that, that within those belief it’s just a mirror of who I really am, I venerate a violent stance because I am really just afraid. I find those that do battle and fight to be brave because the look at danger and face it anyway. Well when I am really self honest there is really very little within my life that I where I have ever really had to deal with any situation with violence.

On the flip side there really is nothing inherently bad about learning martial arts in fact from what I can tell at this stage it is a cool activity for learning focus, balance, and discipline. Yet like everything else that I have accepted as “good” or “required” within my world it looses that simplicity when I attach it to memories and fears. Like the fear of being attacked or others around me being attack for example, to the point where I start to judge others around me for their capability of violence, and picture the ways to defend or attack a person should it come to blows…. it never has.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to learn how to fight.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am meant to become a warrior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this belief is really only rooted in fear, where I do not wish to be humiliated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only belief that being a male requires strength, and hardness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop this view from the books I read as a child and then evolved them through time as my experiences of myself within other activities like skateboarding and drug use where I convinced myself that if I did not push myself to the limit of pain physically and emotionally that I was not really fulfilling my role as a true male.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the real expression of myself here as life, and realizing that the stance of constantly standing as a rock within myself left me very inflexible and unwilling to live a life that is actually full and without self-imposed limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing belief to rule me completely to the point where I only see the belief and not really what the belief is representing which is a fear response.

I forgive myself for never accepting and allowing myself really be here now as this moment of breath to look past the fear and anxiety of worrying about my life and the life of those I “loved”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that while I stand as/with the fear of the belief that those I have cared about and myself are in danger constantly that I have stopped myself from seeing or realizing any real permanent solution to the violence in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simplicity that violence begets violence in this world as exemplified in countless examples around the world through the exaction of explotation and revenge of individuals as well as nations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I am able to participate with learning to fight that I am meant to become a warrior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the motivation behind learning to fight is one of benevolence and protection of myself when in fact this is really a basis of suppressing a fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the real and permanent solution of stopping violence in the world is not through learning how to become an instrument and participant of violence but instead to become the directive principle of myself as an expression of life here within breathe in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the idea that becoming a warrior for good is a noble and respected position to uphold within society where I will gain status as one who will stand in the place of those that are weak.

I forgive myself to accept and allow myself judge others within this world as weak and that I need to make myself strong to be able to stand up for and take the place for others, rather than realizing that this is really just a ploy within myself to gain acceptance and a hero status from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this belief mentality to cross over into and as not only this idea driving violence and martial arts but all areas of my world where everything I do is to gain a higher standing in the eyes of people around me.

Ok I will continue in the next post.

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