188. Fear of authority as writing.

So I will pick up where I left off last time in another post now I would like to write about something that I have been continuing to explore within my experience within writing and motivation myself to write.

I did some writing in my notebook and after some digging I noticed that my experience within my relationship to writing is a negative association with authority. Like when I was young I was always out and about being physically active, playing games, sports, etc. But when it came to sitting down and doing something with a pen and paper, that was just now my interest. What occurs to me is that the negative charge that arose around school and homework really has to do with being called in to do work when I did not want to, I was never really explained to why this was important, other then emotionally charged reasons or fear of punishment. Whilst I do not remember the initial instance I notice that this took place over time and follows a familiar trend.

So a solution to this problem of seeing work/writing as something that is negatively charged within me as something that I do not want to do, would be to correct this relationship within myself. To make it something that I enjoy to do on a constant and consistent basis, which is to, for one get to know myself better each day through this process of self realization, and self forgiveness and two to expand myself within the scope of what I can do which is to move myself within words.

I can redefine myself within the experience of writing to one where I see the value and importance of working myself out and walking myself bit by bit out of this mess and tangle of thoughts/idea/beliefs that I hold myself convicted to and within.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself become totally dictated by and as a belief that I do not enjoy sitting and writing, no matter what the topic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always look for the fun in every situation and therefore only every go looking for the experience of positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the trap the I create for myself when only ever allowing myself to participate in experiences that I believe that are fun, not seeing that to really get to the heart/root of who I have only been allowing and accepting myself to be take time and effort in arenas that I will not consider fun or positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only place myself in the position to do writing or homework when I was faced with the fear of a punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this fear of punishment mentality has really lead the way within my life to always put of the work/tasks that I need to be done until I sense that the time is coming up when a punishment/consequence is imminent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this constant model of waiting and postponing myself until the last moment is really that same structure that this world is facing as the growing problem with such things like the oil/waste/environmental issues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear of reprisal/consequence to actually blind me to the fact/point that this is the cause of the postponement of self motivation and in such I am really the creator of my own consequence of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back from moving myself into these arenas because I hold onto memories of the past that involve a negative experience/charge with authority of which my parents held the main position of as a child growing up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only react to this authority with spite and anger at not understanding the value of working on self at the time and instead just accepted the anger and resentment as a personal attack on my experiences as positivity at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in the present as a direct relationship to the past experience and never really giving myself the opportunity to question these reactions, and instead just believing them to be validated and correct within the emotions, feelings and thoughts that come up when faced with a genuine opportunity to really experience me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see or realize that really investigating me takes more than emotions, thoughts, or feelings but actually takes will to do what is best for myself as all in all situations, meaning that pushing myself through the resistance to first sort out myself falls within that category of doing what is best for all because that is what is really best for me.

I forgive myself to not accept and allow myself to understand that I cannot move myself within this world with any real, effective and practical way unless I am actually facing me in each moment.

So when and as I see myself basing my current experience on ones from the past patterns that I taught myself as a youth I stop and breathe and just remember that the past experiences are only a mind created experience that exists only because I accept and allow them to be real.

And thus I commit myself to stop the connection to the emotions that I have toward work/writing based within, and standing as the negative outlook that I have built around authority.

I commit myself to stop the myself from experiencing myself as and with the idea that this outlook actually stems from a fear of consequence in which the fear is really the motivation, and not self. So I commit self to become the real motivation that I place myself within when facing myself within and as writing/sitting to write.

I commit myself to let go of the idea/belief that writing/homework/self investigation is really boring which really is not something that should be looked as something that is practical, and bring this back to something that is practical in nature like making a effort to remain here as breathe when I am faced with deterrents from the mind when looking to start or continue writing as self.

When and as I see myself falling back to old habits around motivation to write I stop myself and breathe and remind myself that these are only mind patterns and that they do not have to define me as a being, and if they do that this is not really me, but the mind consciousness systems as habitual resonance.

I commit myself to form new habitual patterns within me that are based on and stand as what is best for all as what is best for myself, not stopping and self sabotaging me to procrastinate or tell myself that I am not capable.

When and as I stand within the belief that I am not able to do something as I think that it does not fit into what I consider myself to be capable of doing because of the way that I experience myself as within a feeling/emotion/thought I stop and breathe and realize that in these situations most of time that I am really only sabotaging myself and that I am totally capable I just need to step up to the plate within myself, and realize that any kind of self judgement of myself and what I am or am not capable of is purely of the mind.

I commit myself to do what is needed to be down/committed with my process no matter what my past feelings towards work may have been or what my mind continues to feed me to deter me away from figuring out who I am.

I commit myself to stop projecting ideas and beliefs about myself onto me when I am facing myself within writing and instead to take a practical solution of just breathing through the resistance an pushing myself to write no matter what comes up.

When and as I see myself facing the immense amount of distractions and competition to me, to gain/accept/allow my attention and focus I stop myself and breathe and realize that despite whatever I have accepted and allowed to exist within me my who life I am able to stand up and make a choice to sit and practically work myself out and work myself through in writing.

I commit myself to for once and for all use the gift of will to will myself to do what is best for me always which is to sort through my mind and get rid of all the garbage that prevents me from standing up and being who I am fully capable of being within this one life, instead of abdicating all the responsibility over to external events/memories/people.

I commit myself to realize that any and all of the breakthroughs that I have had so far within self have come and been the direct result of working myself out in a practical manner within physically writing and that this is really the only thing that has allowed me to change myself with a concrete directive ability that I can recognize and replicate effectively over again.

When and as I see myself missing days to things like TV shows and relaxing I stop myself breathe and ask myself a quick question as to why I am choosing to experience myself in such a way that places the submission of will as self in control of my experience here? And instead I commit myself to become the real will that wills myself to take care of my responsibility to create and walk as a responsible being in this world and places this before placing time for entertainment after when I have shown myself that I can walk consistently.

Thanks.

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