189. Who the F*** are you? Me as Authority.

Ok so a point I would like to continue with today is something that I have been touching on within some previous blogs and that has been taking place within my world at work over the past few days.

I started my work week on Wednesday and when I came in the first thing that I was presented with by my Co-worker was a sheet of paper to sign, I looked at the paper and instantly I noticed a dropping sensation within me like a depression set in within a few moments. The paper basically read from my boss that there was some rules being broken and that these things have to change and to sign if you acknowledge them.

What upset me was that this paper looked to be specifically directed towards me. There is only three kitchen staff currently working at the shelter and one of the points in the papers was officially recognizing one of the other workers that I work with as the manager from here on.

Now let me explain that I have become quite comfortable with my position at the shelter, I get along with mostly everyone, staff and the people that move their way through there. The job is easy in terms of cooking jobs, So I started relaxing within the way that I conducted myself there, for example one of the points was mentioning that you/I must be on the floor job early. I have not been, actually I have consistently been late as my actual boss is never there just my co-workers, and as the job goes I am leaving late most of the time as it takes longer then is allotted within the paid time, so within my mind it evens out.

So there was a few other points on the list that re-outlined the lay of the land in terms of what was to be expected within the kitchen. But undeniably it was directed at me since every point was something that I had been doing/not doing.

My initial reaction was anger, and blame towards my co-worker, jumping to the assumption that I had been thrown under the bus as we have had a somewhat unspoken bond in not telling our actual boss about any of our (tiny) transgressions in the workplace, like using our cellphones in other than official kitcheny business.

My co-worker’s personality is such that they are quite over bearing within wanting things to be done their way, and within that I have had no problem differing to the way they would like things to be done even when I know that there is a better way that things could be done as I have made my case in other situations before with not very pleasant results and have seen how this could be avoided without conflict through just differing to the others opinion. The thing that has come up more recently is that this is the way they want it done so do not argue, and now they have been made the manager even more so now.

Within all of this I have kind of noticed a growing resentment within my attitude at work and towards this particular individual. Focusing mainly and going into how all these points of how they have not been conducting themselves in their work ethic, and expression. I am placing the focus on justify my actions towards their actions. Giving myself all sorts of allowances for my behaviour against how they have been behaving, and getting angry and upset because I judge my behavior to not be as bad or more effective then theirs.

So when this all came to a consequence of being called out on my behaviour I immediately and automatically came to the conclusion it must have been this individual that “ratted me out”.

After some breathing and consideration I quickly realized that this was totally ridiculous of me and that this was absolutely my own doing. I WAS NOT taking things/this responsibly. WAS NOT being effective at work, and WAS NOT being honest within my approach to the job. Everything that was mentioned was true and I was actually just being faced with the truth that I did/do not want to admit to.
I had let myself sink to deeply into comfort there, allowed myself to not take the job seriously, and just let my ethic within my job slide into a point of not really giving pride to what I am capable of, just a sort of “the clients are not complaining so everything is cool” sort of attitude. Not seeing that I am capable of much more and that there is plenty of irrelevant and unproductive behaviour that I have been accepting and allowing of myself there.

I realize that a lot of this behaviour has much to do with my non acceptance of others as any sort of authority towards me in general and a separation of creating myself as the actual authority within my world as who I am choosing to be for myself within this world. I resent authority figures because I really have not become my own authority as of yet.

I have noticed this and over the past couple of shifts I have changed my behavior to a more quiet and focused disposition, cutting back on my involvement of conversation and opinion to one of more relevance of what is needed to get the job done effectively and without placing myself in a level of comfort and relaxation as laziness or preference, to one that is more professional.

Also another point is that I have decided to move on to another job fairly soon and as such noticed that in previous positions I have towards the end of my time at jobs not applied myself to the fullest extent that I am able and instead just slide by within the bare minimum of what is required.

I will continue with self forgiveness on this experience and correct it accordingly in the next post.

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