202. Fear of completion within writing.

202.

Writing things out has always been somewhat a problem point for me within my world. I never wanted to do homework in my youth, and something I notice within my process is how that point is carried on underneath it. It has become a real push to stand up and start walking for myself. Something that occurred to me yesterday while listening to a interview is how this whole point is really about suppression, about fighting myself and what I am experiencing within it is the friction of the system trying to survive.

Something I just noticed is how when I have this resistance to write it is like I am looking at this mountain of words that need to come out of me and I just ball up within myself, I fear the magnitude that I project onto my process. That is where the point lies it seems, I am looking forward in fear of the effort needed, the constant and consistent direction that is needed within self. I WANT to laze around, I don’t want to write because it requires constant effort, or so I think.
Within this I notice that if I just focus myself on breathing, and on the words as they come up instead of off somewhere in the mind of future projects, then the act of writing is not painful at all, it is just me writing and it comes.

So something that I came to realize about this whole system of writing and self suppression is how what I have a tendency to do is get quite antsy with it and always want to move on to the next point, I touch on things and within a limited time span only am willing to put in/give/gift myself with so much on a particular point, and so what I am facing is a whole lot of writing that is basically pointless because I have, in most cases, not walked through the point completely. And this is where the friction/suppression lies/begins.

So what would be the solution here? I can see the value of staying on point and walking through a point in a consistent way and learning how to identify and cover all the points within a particular mind system. Within that this…. fear I suppose comes up about staying on one point for so long, meaning I have so many things happening in and around my day that I am facing that I experience being overwhelmed. I suppose what I have been doing is kind of like this “Oh, this is the biggest point of the day so let me tackle that a bit”, “oh there is another point lets just get that out of my head for now” type experience but never really with the intention to completely remove them and the systems associated with them. That task has and does seem daunting to me. So I suppose that would be a cool place to start, with the fear of completion. Also the point of writing things out by hand in a notebook for my own benefit and for self is a point as well that could use attention but again so many points to cover so I must do my best to stay on track and cover one thing at a time.

So,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write out my mind in a way that represents a real complete standing of myself as the life force.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here within my writings always and in a complete way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how the friction and the inner turmoil is a result of not accepting and allowing myself to take on myself within the points and systems in a complete manner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as friction and as a fighting with myself rather then working with myself to take on my mind in a focus and dynamic way in which I am the directive force within my process and not thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself the time of day so to speak in creating space for me to really take on myself as the mind through my process of writing.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to stand within the belief that I am not able write myself out in a constant and consistent manner in which I will reach a point of “completion” within a particular point.

I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the point of completion where I look at the point of completing a task/point as daunting and from there avoid the doing a task with the entirety of myself here in each stage of the task of walking through that point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing these tasks as mountains of effort that I must climb within my life to reach the end of my journey, and from there really create a system of pity within me when and as looking and projecting ahead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with the end of my journey where I look at all the way to go and become totally disheartened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base and direct myself from within the point of having “heart” within my process and not to realize the use of emotion as motivation is really counterproductive and will always lead to a systematic failure to effectively take on myself because it will always be based within how I feel about it in that moment/day/etc.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as consistency as the prime base for conducting myself within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how creating and maintaining consistency is the foundation that will actually carry me through from point A to B to C etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of simplicity within my process where 1+1=2 is the most simple basis in conducting myself within this process, and that by jumping all over the place effectively what I am doing is forming complex math and equations for myself to figure out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the moment here as breathe as what is real and to take that in account in each moment of writing, where I place myself as here in breathe to actually learn and take myself on in the most simple effective manner.

I will stop here for now and pick it up here next time.

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201. Becoming defensive about a life decision.

So I had a conversation with a spiritualist/light worker co-worker about my plans for future work. I was confronted by this person about me going to cook in the oil sands camps in Northern Alberta. My co-worker basically said that they were not going to say anything about it because I know how they feel about that. At that point I blurted out something about keeping the judgements under wraps with a laugh and in good humor. This though did not sit well with the other being and they proceeded to tell me/ask me why people think it is a judgement when it is the “truth”. So from there I was taken aback a little bit because obviously I am not in support of the use of fossil fuels as a sustainable way of living and conducting ourselves on this planet, but I was mainly talking about the point of self judgement, where I was being seen as the “bad guy” for going.

So I attempted to explain the reasons why for me I was going to do this and how I would allow me to place myself in a position of financial independence and stability. But the argument that I was confronted with was basically the point of dirty money and it being morally wrong. I tried to say more about how money allows one to move in this world, but they said that only was what some believe. At this point I was like this is ludicrous I mean we were both standing in a homeless shelter talking about the validity of the need of money to survive and make movement within ones life.  I was getting frustrated within myself and I saw this, so I decided to pull myself back from the conversation and the interaction on that level with the being.

Afterwards I was faced with much mind movements, wondering if/where I was at fault within the conversation. What was I really trying to get across? Why?

So…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my image in regards of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about losing out to others or losing there respect so to speak.

I forgive myself for wanting to leverage my knowledge and information to create a case from within my stance on the matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the defensiveness that I experience actually was only fueling the fire within the situation and myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have preconceptions about the other being and how they would react to the news of my decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to initially let go of the situation where I felt that I needed to be understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I needed to be right and acquitted of the charge of judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this particular system that is running seems all about self preservation, and not being questioned on my position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the other being as believing that the are in the right and superior in their moral stance and from there making this point of “having” to correct them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the mirror that is placed in there where it is actually showing me the point of superiority that I have built around this being where I have begun to see and view generally all spiritualist and light workers as people who are wrong and misguided.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself within what I am doing in my world because of the preconceptions that I have made about spiritualist/light workers, instead of just being practical about those situations and sharing where I can and remaining quiet where it is not best to talk.

So when and as I am faced with and shown a mirror of myself within another being where I am questioned on the decisions I have come to within my world and where I am show my own insecurities within my decisions I stop myself and breathe, and realize that it is not for me to convince others on why or how it is that I am choosing to place myself within this world at this stage.

When and as I see myself having preconceptions about another being I stop myself and breathe and remember that even thinking that this person is going to judge me is actually a judgement of that person where I believe that they are the judgemental type.

When and as I see myself becoming afraid of losing a beings respect or at seeing how a particular being is more indoctrinated into a particular line of morals and this will be more difficult to explain myself to I stop myself and breathe, and become clear within me on what and why I am doing the things that I am doing.

When and as I see myself secretly viewing myself as superior to the other beings as a my way is more right then your way type attitude, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is a system of my mind and that it is representing a addiction to validation.

I commit myself to stop the fear of others reprisal where I do not want to be placed within the spotlight and asked to defend myself.

I commit myself to when I am called to defend myself in terms of what are my reasoning’s behind my decisions I make a practical decision on what to say and when not to talk based within my own current platform of self realization and understanding.

I commit myself to stop the preconceptions towards other people where I classify them into a particular pigeonhole because they fit the mold or spiritualist/light worker for example.

I commit myself to realize that the actual reactions and preconceptions are really only highlighting the definitions and judgements that I have built up within my mind around those particular groups of people.

I commit myself to understand for myself why I am still attempting to convince others about my position regarding this point of working in the camps.

I commit myself to see how within this there is still a point of uncertainty or uncomfortableness in terms of am I morally doing the right thing.

I commit myself to stop the moralistic point of view where morals themselves are based within a self interested starting point where I see this as being right or wrong instead of seeing it from the starting point of what is going to place me with the opportunity to be in a position that will grant me the ability to make more movement within my world and do what is best for all.

Ok I am going to stop there for now, as I have to leave for work but I will pick this up again later.

200. Shame, fear, and my vulnerability.

A Ted talk I watched opened up this point which touches on and interweaves within the point I wrote about yesterday.

The power of vulnerability it was called, and perhaps some of the points put forth I understood already underneath it all, but I have been so caught up in my own struggle to understand that I have not given much time to just surrender myself to the process as it comes.

Why have I made things so difficult for me?

Why do I seem to not want to follow through and look consistently at myself and the patterns that come up?

Why do I demonize myself so much?

Why am I unworthy?

In the talk it was said the only main difference between those people that see themselves as worthy and those that don’t is… belief. Looking into this more I can see is the relationship that I have and hold to fear and shame. I am feel shame for the things that I have done, and fear that this shame is all there is. There is no worthiness within it, I have not accepted me as that shame, as those fears.  And so I hide. Hide within those emotions always looking for the point of control I look for the things that I know are certain within my life, I have always done this I can see, to smoking cigarettes and weed, to watching porn, to skateboarding they have always been about certainty. A certainty of outcome where there is the predictable confirmation of unworthiness. There has never been a constant and consistent hereness within my life activities because I have never had the courage to allow myself to become vulnerable. Vulnerability is a key in this equation, where I face the fears and allow myself to see them, being vulnerable to face them myself and to stop the fears of placing them out for all to see as well. That would be the starting point to real change to place myself in a position of realizing my vulnerability, of knowing that I am imperfect and I cannot control every outcome. That even attempting to control every outcome I am inherently trying to place restrictions on myself and hold myself in a continuous internal bond of fear and shame, each counterpointing each other. Now within my experiences this has been the way I constantly have been searching for the thing that will get me out. The idea, the invention, the group, person, place, that will lead me out of this life of struggle, but really what is this struggle? Has it to do with any of those things? No not really. I just simply do not think/believe that I am worthy, or rather the belief that is prescient is that I am unworthy. I cannot and have not been able to trust me because of the things I have done and have just have tended to return to those behaviours, rinse, repeat.

So where is the solution, as always it lies with self and the process that I have begun walking with Desteni, where I take on the systems of belief, patterning of self behaviour, and fear and shame that accompanies those things. Forgive them and let them go, stop the “must be” attitude that forms from within that fear, and become fluid, and vulnerable, to stop looking for consequences in certainty and open myself up to the unknown, open up to the possible me, open myself up to something that I have not already imagined and done. Trying something new, or trying something old with a new approach, the approach of awareness within what I am doing, am I doing this because I am afraid and this activity gives me the illusions of stability because the outcome is predictable? Or am I able to let go be here as breathe and enjoy myself regardless of what happens. I do not know at this stage, the only thing to do is to continue walking and to see.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that I am not worthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the system that is functioning within me when I participate with this believe is rooted in shame and fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknowns in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to find the courage to face failure and instead stick with the predictable outcomes of the preprogrammed nature of myself, never venturing beyond what I believe that I am worth which has historically been very little in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the feeling of worthiness as a emotional crutch of the self where I am basing all of myself on a set of feelings within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create illusions within those feelings/emotions about how I MUST act to maintain a image of myself that is acceptable in society instead of choosing to do always what is BEST for all society/life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the point of vulnerability within my life to admit to myself as well as others where I am not perfect, I do not know everything, and instead am able to speak and behave from a place where I do not have to control the outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control to such a extent that I will actually limit the amount of participation that I take even within my own life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold myself to seek out the things in my life where I know what the outcome will be because I emotionally invest in what that particular activity/habit/pattern/addiction with hold/stimulate for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how these points of investment are the limitations that I impose on myself, they are the chains that I have locked myself up within my own world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that by releasing the dependence on the predictable nature of my addictions that I will be able to become more open, efficient, and effective within how I move within my world each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mix up the difference between the effectiveness of creating a timeline for myself where I realize and walk through a day with the understanding of certain responsibilities and commitments, and swapping that for a feeling of doing things irrationally for the point of stimulation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the basic inherent question to ask myself within my daily life being that am I accepting me as the most capable being that I can be in each moment, in each breathe or am I reacting in a response to fear and shame of things/behaviors/memories, am I living in the past in each moment or am I able to accept me fully now as each moment?

So when and as I see myself looking to behave in a reactionary way within my world where I see and believe myself to be inferior to anything or anyone else I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is a system running within me where I actually have not allowed myself to become vulnerable with myself to the point where I can admit the truth, which is that I am behaving only out of reaction and emotions.

I commit myself to stop the systems of self dishonesty and mistrust with myself and take up the call within myself to stand and become a being in which I am not fearful of my past and I am able to walk step by step, breathe by breathe towards and as a new being as me here as life in every moment until I actually represent that reality within me.

I commit myself to stop the reactive behaviors as a point of conformation of my the inherent believe that I will never change and I am not worthy of change, that I will always be evil and there is no way out. I commit myself to realize that I made those pathways a reality and that I am the ONLY ONE that will be able to walk back out of them.

I commit myself to see how throughout this entire endeavor that has been my life the only thing that has proven to myself thus far to be effective in allowing myself to change has been self forgiveness and the tools that Desteni has been taught to me, because I am in that moment taking up and becoming directive in me, I am making the stand within me to be the one as me that is taking back control from my mind in letting go of the predictable preprogrammed state that I have fallen in over the course of my entire life here, and that has been the plight of all throughout existence.

I commit myself to see how as me I am able to become more effective within my world and in time able to increase the scope of what I am able to do but in the meantime to stop the self judgement of what I have been doing as acting in separation, but letting that go through the process of self forgiveness and self corrective alignment, and realizing that is in the past and that I am able to act now without resorting to past patterns.

When and as I see myself not standing as and within the actuality of each moment and deciding to be here now I stop and breathe and remember that this is the real “test” of the whole matter, nothing cerebral, nothing here nor there, no feeling this is maybe ok or that is not ok, am I breathing. Am I able to stand as and within the point of breathe without anything stimulating me within the mind.

I commit myself to coming to the understanding that breathing here is the actually act that will confirm to me that I am here, where that is all that needs to be observed as the outcome in any situation.

I commit myself to breathe and realize that this is the conformation that I am trusting myself in that moment.

I commit myself to see that if I notice that I am not breathing that then there is a point of the mind that has taken over within my current expression of self, either through thoughts, projections, feelings, and emotions that come up and that I can be addressed over time.

I commit myself to not reduce a initial failure to address all points as a personal reflection and that I personally and not worthy of being a whole being, rather realizing that this will take time and persistence and the courage to realize that I am not so/and am not required to be perfect, yet I can strive for perfection within my approach and progress.

I commit myself to remain vigilant with myself and to become creative and enjoy the process of self realization rather than seeing it as a conformation of my evil nature, as the sum of all I have accepted and allowed through and within my life.

I commit myself to realize that the continuation of the behavior is really the defining factor of who I am choosing to be in each moment and that standing in and as the principles of equality and oneness is what will guide me, where following the polarity logic within my mind has and will always lead me down a path of personal betrayal.

I commit myself to this process wholly understanding that I will have to face myself as the  darker side of what I have done and admit them and become vulnerable within myself so as to show that I am not afraid of my own past and living in a reactionary reality.

I commit myself to live this one life as the best that I can for myself and for all.

199. Cutting through the crap.

I have not been doing as much as I can. I can see this within my world. I am capable of more. I am able to trust myself more, and express myself more, to figure out what it is that is really holding me captive within my mind for myself.

The other day I was asking a question of someone and did not get the response I was looking for. Initially I was confused and downhearted. This sense of loss moved in and I started beating up on myself for making a mistake. My mind because very active in asking why this was the case and what was wrong within my approach that was not worthy of that response.

Then after some time I realize that the response that I got was the correct one, that this is my journey, I need to stop trying to push of the responsibility onto others and take up my own tools of discernment in my life. Something that I have realized before but it is interesting how subtly this system makes it way around again.

I realize how I was trying to catch the others interest with questions and that really I knew, or could figure out what to do on my own. I was attempting even though I did not admit it to myself in that moment to form a connection with this other, a friendship.

The next day I was working on my Dip lesson and I looked over a point that I had filled in on positive judgements towards people, and in the description it was saying how when we judge others from a positive placement/starting point what we are really saying is that I am in a place of desire to and towards that particular judgement of that being or thing. And from previous lessons that the desire is a by-product of a point of lack within oneself.

This was very telling in what I was doing with this being. I view the being as being much more disciplined, advanced, and stable then I am and has gone further, become more clear and knows what they are doing much more then I am. I was reaching out to get some of that, underneath it I wanted some of that rubbed off on me. Interesting because I can see this point manifested now through-out many areas of my life, in all types of situations where I did not want to be the directive force within my own life and I have always wanted to differ to someone greater, someone with more experience, who is more wise and knowledgeable. Rather, than stand up, cutting the crap out of that approach and finding out and doing it for myself. Lazy.

So everything that I was trying to communicate really was just a bunch of crap pilled on to give the appearance of a valid question. But soon after I realize that there was no substance to what I was doing something was not right with what I was attempting to communicate. What I really was saying was, “I do not trust myself”, “You are so much more capable then I”, “I want what you have/are”, “I am not worthy”. I was placing myself in a vulnerability and setting myself up, and what happened when I was not validated, I experienced loss, I spent hours in a funk, wondering why I was so fucked up. Interesting how when the presupposition is made where I place myself in a position of inferiority, and the other does not come through with the other half of that equation/relationship then the minds natural response is to fulfill that prophecy that I/one made/makes for oneself. Like this conformation is made in agreement within the mind where its like, the thing/being I am internally placing myself as inferior to did not play out their/its role as the superior point within my idea of it/them. So what happens the mind just uses that to confirm the initial judgement. “Oh it must be true!!”. Interesting, how this really is just showing and mirroring the mountain of crap that I placed in front of myself to get to that point.

Time to start shoveling and figure out why I have not been able to do it for me completely, why I never see myself as capable. Time to figure out why I always give up, and screw myself over. Time to really stand and do what I can see I am really capable of. Time to stop the pointless and monumental waste of time the placement of polarity is playing out within my world. Time to take me seriously.

I commit myself to the investigation of how and why I originally did not want to place myself in a position of self leadership, and to find out where the break happened where I slid my initial image of self worth into the default position of inferior in comparison with most others.

198. Ketchup Money pt 3.

When and as I see myself living as a extension of the things that are taught to me in my youth I stop and breathe, realizing that those concurrent beliefs are actually something that is generating this fear of lack within me, I am looking at the way that my parents raised me and how they conducted themselves as/within the relationships that they have had with money and place a fear directly inline with those observations. Instead of looking at it practically for instance and learning from the observations in what habits and doctrines to avoid, I go to far and lay a blanket fear over top of the whole thing and from there really let the fear stand in as the prime motivation to move myself rather then finding myself within my daily conduct.

And thus I commit myself to stop placing fear in as the primary driving factor within my life to obtain money so I do not have to live out lifelines similar to my parents.

I commit myself to find my own way to live in accordance with the understanding of equality and oneness as what is best for all in all outcomes, doing so in the way that I generate money and the approach that I take when doing so where I actually understand that money in itself really only has real value as the ability to do things.

I commit myself to see that money would only have real value if shared equally with all where all would gain the ability to live a life equally as well.

I commit myself to understand that the relationship that I currently have been experiencing towards and within money is one of a point of fear of death through the relation of survival in which I am afraid of the lack of money which is rooted within the fear of death.

I commit myself to see how this fear is really the reason that I have form and adhered to the experiences within the formation of a positive/neutral/negative charge in the experiences that I have apparently calling this living when in fact it is actually just reactionary behaviour that I have accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to live within breathe as much as possible, building myself self trust and learn more and more how to be ok with the placing myself here, and earthing myself, grounding myself, and bringing my head out of the clouds, and realizing that through all of this the main point to consider is that am I here.

I commit myself to the choices in my world that will practically lead to the best results in my world to stabilize me, and thus from there grant me the ability to do more, as money represents the ability to do things, make things happen.

I commit myself to remove the free associations that I hold in and towards money making it something that is really more then what it is. In general making it my god, and allowing and accepting it to rule over me directing me within my work emotionally and psychologically, where I am self restricted in becoming a dynamic creative being.

I commit myself to see how within my ability to create and be creative there is the same ability to responsibility create and to have purpose behind my creations, which ultimately is the only real point behind creating and expression here at this point in time, where if I look closely at all of my idea’s and creations they are actually manifestations of survival plans or for survival of my ego where I want to be cool or respected.

I commit myself to not stop moving myself no matter what resistance that I encounter emotionally or mentally realizing that moving through the systems that I have associated with money and the systems that I have about the world in general will obviously not want to be given up and that I will face many resistances to giving up the fallacy of my comfort zone, and to my relationship of survival within money. But I commit move myself through and see how this is something that most will face as this it the way in which much of the populace of the world has been living within the state of money as survival as the energetic component that continues to define humanity for our who existence here on earth.

I commit myself to instead continue taking apart the relationships that I have formed with things, ideas, people within my bubble and start to realize and walk in and as equality with life through this seven year journey.

I commit myself to see how the projection of myself as a rich, great contributor to the cause is again only another projection in which I lord over myself within my mind creating a emotional prison for myself where I judge myself and hold myself captive within my present view of myself, effectively stopping me from moving myself and stopping me from ever allowing me to accept me as where I am in this moment.

I commit myself to accept myself fully as myself within breathe here as this moment, and stop the inferior projection of myself as less than my dream self, and realize that dream me is really a way for me to never really go anywhere and that working through my day within the foundational point of what is best for all as the guiding point to all my decisions is what is practical.

I commit myself to see that the time that is available to me is something that is precious and that practical it is important to realize the establishing a effective way of living is important in being here, to not waste time will ensure that I am truly being the upmost that I can be within myself.

I commit myself to stop the excuses and justifications that come up when faced with, work, working on myself or in creating something that has real value within my life that will allow me to walk as a being that will stand for what is best for all and create real value in the world within the system of money that currently exists.

I commit myself to continue deconstructing this system of money within me as it presents itself throughout my day, and continue writing about the points as I start to see more about how I have been living in regards to money.

Thanks.

197. Ketchup Money. Pt 2.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to catch up when I compare myself to others within this world financially.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in comparison I should be somewhere else within my life by now and feel like I am behind in terms of stabilizing myself financially

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless because I do not have a lot of money to support myself and my secret desires.

I forgive myself to buy into the belief that money will actually provide me with happiness despite what has constantly been said that money cannot buy happiness within society, while obviously the lack of money can cause many problems like starvation, malnutrition, disease, a low standard of living, no support, no leisure. So while buying into the point that money will make me happy because I am getting the things I want, I have not realize how this happiness is actually a illusion created within a chemical reward system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only base myself worth/progress within as/on a money scale, where I am ok if I have extra money to spend, and anxious if I am in debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really look beyond the point of comparison to see how to really become effective and realistic with my relationship to money where I decide what I need to do to support myself and do that without any emotional interference.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to/influenced by the system in such a way in which I fail within myself to take responsibility for my own action and how I choose to conduct myself on a daily basis with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the relationship that I have towards money is really a system of superior and inferior view of myself towards other within my world and within society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this point of comparison is not really doing anything within my life to actually make any sort of change within myself in terms of becoming more effective at living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on my relationship to money on my parents and how I was raised with varied degrees of belief and attitudes towards money and how to support oneself with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing those belief to become my own to some extent and forget my initial point of none compliance with the use of money as a manipulative tool.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how money became a tool of comparison and self manipulation for/towards myself when I saw the way that my parents used money aggressively towards each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how part of my current relationship to money and feeling like I need to catch up relates directly towards my father and how at my age my father was making much more money had more things, etc. Directly comparing myself to my father and in terms of fiscal terms have always been inferior to him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself on the flip side to resent my Mother because I believe/see her as not having any ability to make money for herself or make smart decisions with money, and within that viewing myself as being superior as her when it comes to money.

ok I will continue in the morning as its getting late.

Alright so continuing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing that the anxiety of falling behind is directly linked within a fear of ending up without, to become one of those that does not have and is even more in a struggle then I am now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I am so fearful of becoming dependent on hand outs because of the conflicting situations of my parents where one is reliant on the system completely and the other has completely driven the idea that one must always work and provide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the fundamental premise of what it means to live as one and equal within this world and what the economic reality is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or see the basis of how and what I can do within my world personally because I am to busy standing fearful of lack, and not seeing how this fearfulness has paralyzed me within my ability to be creative, my ability to want to be creative even.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget what I am doing this for constantly and consistently, which is to actually bring about a world that is best for all where none need to be in a position of lack ever and will be supported fully so the rights to life is in fact brought to bear and all can express themselves as the creative beings that we are.

Sooo, when and as I see myself becoming anxious about not being where I see that I am supposed to be in terms of my money and my financial placement in this world, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is a comparison of myself to others made within my own mind that is comprised of many different factors of belief and emotional desires.

I commit myself to stop the anxiousness.

I commit myself to become aware of myself in those moments when I find myself thinking things like I wish I had more money, or looking at others and becoming envious of what others have and hold myself in a inferior position to those others.

I commit myself to stop the comparisons that are made towards all other beings that I come into contact with and judge for the use of there money in this world where I will look at what a being is doing with his/her money and make a direct value judgement of if this being is good or bad based not on anything that is really relevant but a belief system within myself.

I commit myself to realize that I am playing out scenarios of judgement towards others that I myself have not stood one and equal to within myself, and thus have these characterizations of other beings about how they choose to live their lives currently.

I commit myself to stop the investment of attention that I place on others within my world from the perspective that I am more concerned with how others around me are living their lives that how I am living mine which really when it comes down to it is the only real measure of worth that I can really control and dictate.

When and as I see myself living within the belief that I must be a particular way within myself to be “OKAY”, and that this way is to have extra money, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that the money itself is a representation of how I am conducting myself in practical ways, a indication of whether or not I am living practically within my means of the moment.

And thus I commit myself to stop the self judgement that is associated with not having money, resenting doing what is necessary to support myself within my world currently which is working to bring in a income.

I commit myself for not accepting that this will reflect how and to what degree I am willing to place myself in a position of self directive movement within my life. To what degree and I willing to work towards stabilizing myself in a financial way practically and what amount of attention am I willing to give to this.

I commit myself to stop the anxiety so I can fully express myself in creative ways to do things within my world that will actually reflect what I see as something that I enjoy doing instead of being a reflection of lack and fear of not having enough.

I commit myself to realize that the fear of lack is the same really as greed where the more I accumulate will only increase the thirst for more so in essence part of the fear that I have about becoming wealthy within myself is the mistrust and the uncertainties that I have about myself at a fundamental level, I know that I cannot be trusted with money at this point because I have not taken the steps within myself to show to myself that I can trust myself with my money.

I commit myself to actually form and practice a practical physical plan of my relationship with money in a daily basis where I look at what my expenses are, what my incomes are, where I could improve these things to make sure that all things are supported within my world, and that I am not just living within an emotionally based desire/reward system.

I commit myself to see how the fear of making more money is actually present because I do not know how I would apply myself, I am fearful of more responsibilities and have actually carried this over in and towards resentment of other being that have money within my world and within society at large where I look and compare myself as never really being the kind of person that could live up to or take on those types of things necessary to amass large sums of money.

I commit myself to remember that the only real reason to do this would be to bring about a world that is best for all, any other reason essentially is based within a fear mentality of scarcity and lack and as such within the current restrictions of myself and my lifeline will only serve to restrict me even more through denying the expression of myself creatively and motivationally from the perspective of doing what is needed of myself without question to create a world where all are supported equally without exception, a world truly best for all.

I will finish up this topic in the next post.

196. Ketchup money.

In this post I will be looking at my relationship to the point of feeling trapped within my current financial situation and feeling like I am always needing to catch up.

Something that I am noticing is how within my money world there is really no stability in terms of being satisfied. There is always a comparison being made within me, not always consciously. Its like when I meet someone that has done really well financially or has been born into money. Or I see someone with a extravegant style or car, I always tend to go into some kind of comparison. Like, “what a waste of money”, or “I would make so much better use of money then that person”. Really this is just highlighting my own inability thus far to be in control and structured with money within my own world. From within this comparison there arises this yearning desire to get where they are, to have money and the ability to do things. This goes to show me how I am judging myself on a few points, one where I look at myself in the past and beat myself up and make excuses for my behaviour that has caused me to end up here in this position with money. And second I judge myself as being worthless in the present as I have not been able to catch up with those I see that are ahead and able to frivolously spend money and do what they want and obtain happiness.

Obviously spending frivolously and squandering money is not the answer to happiness within this life, in fact fulfillment as a temporary emotional blip through the flood a chemical reaction reward system in the brain stimulated through consumerism, can that actually be real fulfillment? No. The solution here is for me to realize that money is really only a tool to allow one to have the ability to move within this economic model. If I am really for life, if I really am about equality and oneness, then I must understand that money is not about personal happiness and experiences through consumerism.
But understanding what is practical within my world with that will allow me to make the greatest impact and influence in bringing about a world that is best for all. This will include using/giving excess money to support the various projects started by Desteni. It will involve stopping the relationships to money in which I only wish to make myself appear better then others, or to even just fulfill the desire to be “caught up”, and seeing this desire for what it really is, a system of lack and fear within me.

So this catching up experience really is about believing that in my past I have been a failure, and this self judgement forms the fuel for a future fear of remaining as this failure. Also judging myself against others as the basis of what a Pass/acceptable person looks/lives like and what a fail/unacceptable person is. So really the judgements run deep and are interconnected within this system as it goes into a lot of what was shown to me and what was told to me by my parents, and from there just formed belief systems as a reaction to what I saw and heard.

I will go into more depth within self forgiveness on this in the next post.

195. Money as desires part 2.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that material temporary things will bring me permanent and fulfilling happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question the foundation of what happiness actually is within me and question if that is something that is even real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness is something that I can experience for myself through the aquisition of things within my scope of desire through getting money and for believing that this is a actual acceptable way to go about my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the equation that this represents multiplied by a factor of humanity equals to capitalism, materialism, and the depletion of the planet as a whole, and that even my “tiny” contribution is still a factor within that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the ability within myself to stop these systems within my own world and make a change within me to not allow myself to be ruled by my desires to the point where it takes me out of the here moment and into my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that something that I would enjoy doing is not something that I need to throw out of the realm of what may become possible within my world but to recognize when and where these points start to influence how I am experiencing myself and how I am judging others in my daily life.

So when and as I see myself not present because I find myself dreaming about something that I desire to own or do sometime in the future with money, I stop, I breathe and understand that this desire really is representing and appealing to the nature within me that says that I am not enough in that moment, that I need more, and that I am less then myself as who I really am.

I commit myself to realize that I am not these desires, and rememeber myself as the breathe in each moment, realizing that the desire is actually a point of lack and self judgement which is does not actually exist outside of my own mind, and what is real is the physical world around me.

I commit myself to stop the relationship to desires in which I believe that I must achieve or obtain certain things within my world because I think that I am supposed to do or have those things and that I will not be “me” without them, and commit myself to see how I am always ME as breathe in each moment the difference is seeing that and living it.

When and as I see anxiety beginning to well up within because of this idea of lack within me due to a fear of not fufilling this line of desire, I stop and breathe and see how this is really like a drug addiction in itself because the systematic way that it has always worked is within the equation of; money=thing=feeling good.

I commit myself to realize that the actual equation of desire is to fufill a chemical release within me, to flood my brain with the reward drug of dopamine, everytime I set and place something within me as something that I want/desire/need to achieve, I am irrationally placing in one of these points of a reward system effectively placing a carrot in front of myself.
Funny thing is that I am the one placing in my own carrots to chase.

I commit myself to stop wasting my time chasing carrots of my own placement, and creating this crazy self centered experience of myself, and instead realize that in doing such I am actual never really achieving anything of substance and am really only fufilling that drug addiction within my own mind.

I commit myself to realize the difference of what makes a action real, and what makes things within my world worth persuing, which would be a outcome in which everything/one benefits and not just myself and my bubble.

When and as I see myself becoming depressed because I think about the things that I WANT to do/have and cannot/do not have the means, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that this is really just another self judgement, a point where I tell myself that I am not worth much because I cannot acheive/bring this point into my world.

I commit myself to stand firm within myself and not accept or allow myself to judge where I am within my journey and process, realizing that in doing such I will never have the need to judge myself in such ways because I am here.

I commit myself to realize that the here moment is not dependent on materialism, but rather the recognizing the common sense things that are required within the physical existance, like food, water, shelter, and breathe. And commit myself to appreciate the ability to have those things within my world as some around the world have not be able to gain access to even those basics.

I commit myself to see how this attitude of being depressed or anxious about not getting what I want is really a indication of selfishness and lack of compassion for other, where I am not willing to give/dedicate my life to ensuring that all basics are provided for all equally around the planet and that life itself is protected in all ways and allowed to florish.

I commit myself to stop the system of greed and self interest within me and commit myself to a life of equality, with the understanding that we are all one.

194. Money as desires.

Another point within this web of money anxiety I notice is the desires that I have within my world. I am noticing that while I am not going to far off the deep end in terms of being disappointed with where I am. But I do notice some reaction to the lack of money in my world, I have learned to be patient, but part of me is just like revving up to go, like “COOOOOOMMMMEEE ONNNNNNN”, “I want this, and this, and this, and this…” Again I can see how writing out and formulating a financial plan could be beneficial in clearing out the unnecessary clutter of irrational desires floating up there, placing everything in front of me, and figuring out what is important like a basic grocery budget, through to what is not, like a flame working torch. Something interesting that I am seeing is I tend to fantasize about what art I would make with a flame working torch and such but have completely kind of just thrown the art of cooking a meal, at work and at home, on the back burner to turn a phrase. So I have really kind of given up what I am able to do practically in my world with enjoyment and instead succumb to this pit of pity about what I do not have. Always rooted in lack is desire.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself into and as stress and anxiety because I do not have the objects of my desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this desire to stand in as the focal points through-out my day where what I do is fantasize about what I could do with this in my life where I give up on the present moment to live in the mind of desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that how the mind is playing me is that is only looking for new forms of stimulation within activities/things/hobbies/preoccupations and I have really not actually taken the point of working with expression in everything that I do currently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is actually a experience of a dopamine reaction going on within my brain where there is a object to the desire and the mental fantasy that goes with the desire becomes like this point of reward or goal that is set and reinforced with a feel good feeling of dopamine, and from there constantly try to obtain these desires/goals/objects.

I forgive myself to not realize that it has been shown within my own life experience to be the case because for every desire that I have ever obtained through major purchases, the feeling of exaltation quickly fades and the object is almost immediately shifted back into a place of non importance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of remaining here rather than within these desires, and being satisfied with being within this current moment and being fulfilled with that instead of constantly looking for the next thing to fulfill me. Stopping and realizing the point of fulfillment is always here as life, and not “out there”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how there will always be the next thing out there to obtain within this model of living because no matter where I stand fiscally speaking there will always be something more that I do not possess on the horizon within my mind, always the next object of desire that will drive me to anxiety, and how this will invariably manifest openly into the real form of with this is, greed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about the things that I want and entertain the idea of greed within my world, hiding behind the apparent innocence of my desired objects, claiming that I can use them for what is best for all, for the betterment of myself and life, but really in self honest introspection I have not done so with any of the objects of desire I currently have so what difference would that be to any future objects.

Continuing….

193. Money as anxiety.

Ok so something that I noticed within the same context as the last post. Yesterday a bill came in the mail, as well as another one was emailed to me. Also my girlfriend informed me that the auto mechanics had found the part that was closer by then expected, and would be fixed sooner, but it was going to cost extra to ship it here. So again this point of anxiety came up, this kind of pressure. Like this question ran through my mind, “how am I going to do this? How am I going to sustain this?” I had been talking to my sister just before this about a job opportunity up north in a town called Kitamat, and I see that I have been basing this lifestyle on the assumption of going to camp and making more money when the reality is that I’m not in camp, this where the anxiety seems to be coming from, like going to camp is the only solution that I see and I have been procrastinating on that solution so I fear how I am going to make it through the next few months, in living and supporting this lifestyle. I was feeling how I am like racing against the clock where I only have so much time to do this and that if I do not do this soon I will not be able to live or my world will just always be the wage slave experience.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as the understanding of myself as money, where the practically behind the point of money is such that I should realize that how this world is structured be responsible and realistic with money is something that I should be able to learn and implement into my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in such a way that is not supportive and suitable to the flow of money within my world and stretching the means of what I am capable outside of I can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my spending of money to always have been based within a veil of emotional spending and never have been based within a point of practically or plan for any substantial amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slide into hope of finding a better paying job and telling myself I am going to get this job and such have begun to live like I already have that job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anxiety to come up when I realize what I have been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the solution as changing the way that I am approaching me lifestyle where being realistic in understanding that I can only support so much in my world and that if I want to introduce something new like a car, then I would have to make sacrifices in other areas of me world like smoking cigarettes for example, it is just a point of practically and nothing more.

Ok so when and as I see myself becoming anxious about how my life if playing out within my financial situation I stop myself and breathe and take a look at the situation practically, asking myself if the situation is really something to become anxious about or if it is really just a reaction of fear of not being able to support my current lifestyle.

I commit myself to stop living my lifestyle as one that is fiscally unsustainable which mean to be practical about how I go about living myself within money.

I commit myself to see and realize how giving up certain things within my lifestyle is really no different then stopping a point because I realize it is for my own betterment.

When and as I see myself living in such a way that is of a way that I play out how my financial situation may be within the future I stop myself and breathe, realizing that this is really the stepping stones to living a life that is unsustainable, projecting a future dream/desire of who I want to be on the present moment.

I commit myself to live within this moment where I am actually taking responsibly for what I am able to do here and now within my world concerning money and do that, instead of creating and causing the platform for stress and anxiety to arise within me.

I commit myself to realize that when I am experiencing stress and anxiety this is a reaction that is based within my assumptions of what I am capable of living within and as my money situation.

I commit myself to understand practicall what I am capable of supporting which involves making a finacial statement within my world which actually defines how much I am earning and how much I am spending to see where and how my cashflow is moving instead of my current system which is to feel my cashflow where I do not actually know what the amount of money is but just gives way to a set of emotions about how much I should/can be spending and how much I can’t spend, the latter being the emotional trigger for feeling anxiety.

I commit myself to form basic accounting skills for my own benefit in tracking and understanding my world in money to eliminate the reoccurance of this experience of lacking stability finacially and turning this situation/problem into something practical.

Thanks continuing in the next post.