Ok so something that has been coming up that I notice is coming up consistently still is this resonant anxiety about money.
I recently was gifted a car by my sister, and when I went to pick it up the day just started to move in such a way that really made this anxiety creep up more. Like getting the air care and insurance and then the same day a part broke and found out that it was going to cost quite a bit to replace it. All through-out the day I kept wondering why I was doing this. Why was I getting a car? I don’t even have a driver’s license at this point. (my girlfriend does) But I do want to have the opportunity to get my licence and this is the way that I would have the chance to place myself into the position to gain the practice to begin the process of doing so there is this fear of not being able to support that.
Primarily the anxiety is just because I really am at the limit of what I am able to do financially pretty much and have quite a few monthly expenses now, even though I have been making arrangements to start working a job that will pay substantially more then my current one I am still worried about my situation.
Something that is quite irrational really as I am not staving/homeless/jobless, and the anxiety really seems to be based within a self view of comparing myself to where I think that I should be which is out of debt and saving up money. It seems that every time I make a little progress there is something that pulls me back into debt.
The anxiety and self judgement are stemming from that. Like this anxiousness to change and become stable within my world comparing myself to how I have always lived and judging myself negatively when I fail and fall back into a situation of debt.
So I will explore this in self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to support myself when faced with the reality of owning and operating a vehicle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough money to survive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that owning a car will inevitably place me into a position of lack of money without actually running my financial capabilities in a practical way which involves planning out what I can support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus fear this situation without any rational basis which then makes this a fear of emotion, where I feel like I will not be able to support myself if I where to own a vehicle at this time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place owning a car/learning to drive in a inferior position to having extra money and feeling like this will make me happier to have money instead of seeing this a investment in myself where I am supporting my ability and opportunities in the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my desire to have money and be ahead financially to outweigh the prospect of doing something that will support me in the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the anxiety is really only a fear of not being able to survive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto this fear a basis to feel self pity where I tell myself that I will not be ok within this decision and from there doubt my decision and accept the anxiety as being real/justified.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself this fear to then control me in the way that I approach and interact with others within my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the situation to convince me that it is others fault for me to feel this anxiety. Like seeing the results from the situation and placing them into a negative category within myself and from there making the anxiety valid within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for making bringing this anxiety out within myself and not actually taking the responsibility back within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that I have the ability to take this point into my own hands instead of being playing victim to my own emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully explore my relationship to money and understand what it is that I am actually fearing.
Ok I will continue on with this exploration within money in the next post.