193. Money as anxiety.

Ok so something that I noticed within the same context as the last post. Yesterday a bill came in the mail, as well as another one was emailed to me. Also my girlfriend informed me that the auto mechanics had found the part that was closer by then expected, and would be fixed sooner, but it was going to cost extra to ship it here. So again this point of anxiety came up, this kind of pressure. Like this question ran through my mind, “how am I going to do this? How am I going to sustain this?” I had been talking to my sister just before this about a job opportunity up north in a town called Kitamat, and I see that I have been basing this lifestyle on the assumption of going to camp and making more money when the reality is that I’m not in camp, this where the anxiety seems to be coming from, like going to camp is the only solution that I see and I have been procrastinating on that solution so I fear how I am going to make it through the next few months, in living and supporting this lifestyle. I was feeling how I am like racing against the clock where I only have so much time to do this and that if I do not do this soon I will not be able to live or my world will just always be the wage slave experience.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as the understanding of myself as money, where the practically behind the point of money is such that I should realize that how this world is structured be responsible and realistic with money is something that I should be able to learn and implement into my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in such a way that is not supportive and suitable to the flow of money within my world and stretching the means of what I am capable outside of I can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my spending of money to always have been based within a veil of emotional spending and never have been based within a point of practically or plan for any substantial amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slide into hope of finding a better paying job and telling myself I am going to get this job and such have begun to live like I already have that job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anxiety to come up when I realize what I have been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the solution as changing the way that I am approaching me lifestyle where being realistic in understanding that I can only support so much in my world and that if I want to introduce something new like a car, then I would have to make sacrifices in other areas of me world like smoking cigarettes for example, it is just a point of practically and nothing more.

Ok so when and as I see myself becoming anxious about how my life if playing out within my financial situation I stop myself and breathe and take a look at the situation practically, asking myself if the situation is really something to become anxious about or if it is really just a reaction of fear of not being able to support my current lifestyle.

I commit myself to stop living my lifestyle as one that is fiscally unsustainable which mean to be practical about how I go about living myself within money.

I commit myself to see and realize how giving up certain things within my lifestyle is really no different then stopping a point because I realize it is for my own betterment.

When and as I see myself living in such a way that is of a way that I play out how my financial situation may be within the future I stop myself and breathe, realizing that this is really the stepping stones to living a life that is unsustainable, projecting a future dream/desire of who I want to be on the present moment.

I commit myself to live within this moment where I am actually taking responsibly for what I am able to do here and now within my world concerning money and do that, instead of creating and causing the platform for stress and anxiety to arise within me.

I commit myself to realize that when I am experiencing stress and anxiety this is a reaction that is based within my assumptions of what I am capable of living within and as my money situation.

I commit myself to understand practicall what I am capable of supporting which involves making a finacial statement within my world which actually defines how much I am earning and how much I am spending to see where and how my cashflow is moving instead of my current system which is to feel my cashflow where I do not actually know what the amount of money is but just gives way to a set of emotions about how much I should/can be spending and how much I can’t spend, the latter being the emotional trigger for feeling anxiety.

I commit myself to form basic accounting skills for my own benefit in tracking and understanding my world in money to eliminate the reoccurance of this experience of lacking stability finacially and turning this situation/problem into something practical.

Thanks continuing in the next post.

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