194. Money as desires.

Another point within this web of money anxiety I notice is the desires that I have within my world. I am noticing that while I am not going to far off the deep end in terms of being disappointed with where I am. But I do notice some reaction to the lack of money in my world, I have learned to be patient, but part of me is just like revving up to go, like “COOOOOOMMMMEEE ONNNNNNN”, “I want this, and this, and this, and this…” Again I can see how writing out and formulating a financial plan could be beneficial in clearing out the unnecessary clutter of irrational desires floating up there, placing everything in front of me, and figuring out what is important like a basic grocery budget, through to what is not, like a flame working torch. Something interesting that I am seeing is I tend to fantasize about what art I would make with a flame working torch and such but have completely kind of just thrown the art of cooking a meal, at work and at home, on the back burner to turn a phrase. So I have really kind of given up what I am able to do practically in my world with enjoyment and instead succumb to this pit of pity about what I do not have. Always rooted in lack is desire.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself into and as stress and anxiety because I do not have the objects of my desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this desire to stand in as the focal points through-out my day where what I do is fantasize about what I could do with this in my life where I give up on the present moment to live in the mind of desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that how the mind is playing me is that is only looking for new forms of stimulation within activities/things/hobbies/preoccupations and I have really not actually taken the point of working with expression in everything that I do currently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is actually a experience of a dopamine reaction going on within my brain where there is a object to the desire and the mental fantasy that goes with the desire becomes like this point of reward or goal that is set and reinforced with a feel good feeling of dopamine, and from there constantly try to obtain these desires/goals/objects.

I forgive myself to not realize that it has been shown within my own life experience to be the case because for every desire that I have ever obtained through major purchases, the feeling of exaltation quickly fades and the object is almost immediately shifted back into a place of non importance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of remaining here rather than within these desires, and being satisfied with being within this current moment and being fulfilled with that instead of constantly looking for the next thing to fulfill me. Stopping and realizing the point of fulfillment is always here as life, and not “out there”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how there will always be the next thing out there to obtain within this model of living because no matter where I stand fiscally speaking there will always be something more that I do not possess on the horizon within my mind, always the next object of desire that will drive me to anxiety, and how this will invariably manifest openly into the real form of with this is, greed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about the things that I want and entertain the idea of greed within my world, hiding behind the apparent innocence of my desired objects, claiming that I can use them for what is best for all, for the betterment of myself and life, but really in self honest introspection I have not done so with any of the objects of desire I currently have so what difference would that be to any future objects.



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