In this post I will be looking at my relationship to the point of feeling trapped within my current financial situation and feeling like I am always needing to catch up.
Something that I am noticing is how within my money world there is really no stability in terms of being satisfied. There is always a comparison being made within me, not always consciously. Its like when I meet someone that has done really well financially or has been born into money. Or I see someone with a extravegant style or car, I always tend to go into some kind of comparison. Like, “what a waste of money”, or “I would make so much better use of money then that person”. Really this is just highlighting my own inability thus far to be in control and structured with money within my own world. From within this comparison there arises this yearning desire to get where they are, to have money and the ability to do things. This goes to show me how I am judging myself on a few points, one where I look at myself in the past and beat myself up and make excuses for my behaviour that has caused me to end up here in this position with money. And second I judge myself as being worthless in the present as I have not been able to catch up with those I see that are ahead and able to frivolously spend money and do what they want and obtain happiness.
Obviously spending frivolously and squandering money is not the answer to happiness within this life, in fact fulfillment as a temporary emotional blip through the flood a chemical reaction reward system in the brain stimulated through consumerism, can that actually be real fulfillment? No. The solution here is for me to realize that money is really only a tool to allow one to have the ability to move within this economic model. If I am really for life, if I really am about equality and oneness, then I must understand that money is not about personal happiness and experiences through consumerism.
But understanding what is practical within my world with that will allow me to make the greatest impact and influence in bringing about a world that is best for all. This will include using/giving excess money to support the various projects started by Desteni. It will involve stopping the relationships to money in which I only wish to make myself appear better then others, or to even just fulfill the desire to be “caught up”, and seeing this desire for what it really is, a system of lack and fear within me.
So this catching up experience really is about believing that in my past I have been a failure, and this self judgement forms the fuel for a future fear of remaining as this failure. Also judging myself against others as the basis of what a Pass/acceptable person looks/lives like and what a fail/unacceptable person is. So really the judgements run deep and are interconnected within this system as it goes into a lot of what was shown to me and what was told to me by my parents, and from there just formed belief systems as a reaction to what I saw and heard.
I will go into more depth within self forgiveness on this in the next post.