I have not been doing as much as I can. I can see this within my world. I am capable of more. I am able to trust myself more, and express myself more, to figure out what it is that is really holding me captive within my mind for myself.
The other day I was asking a question of someone and did not get the response I was looking for. Initially I was confused and downhearted. This sense of loss moved in and I started beating up on myself for making a mistake. My mind because very active in asking why this was the case and what was wrong within my approach that was not worthy of that response.
Then after some time I realize that the response that I got was the correct one, that this is my journey, I need to stop trying to push of the responsibility onto others and take up my own tools of discernment in my life. Something that I have realized before but it is interesting how subtly this system makes it way around again.
I realize how I was trying to catch the others interest with questions and that really I knew, or could figure out what to do on my own. I was attempting even though I did not admit it to myself in that moment to form a connection with this other, a friendship.
The next day I was working on my Dip lesson and I looked over a point that I had filled in on positive judgements towards people, and in the description it was saying how when we judge others from a positive placement/starting point what we are really saying is that I am in a place of desire to and towards that particular judgement of that being or thing. And from previous lessons that the desire is a by-product of a point of lack within oneself.
This was very telling in what I was doing with this being. I view the being as being much more disciplined, advanced, and stable then I am and has gone further, become more clear and knows what they are doing much more then I am. I was reaching out to get some of that, underneath it I wanted some of that rubbed off on me. Interesting because I can see this point manifested now through-out many areas of my life, in all types of situations where I did not want to be the directive force within my own life and I have always wanted to differ to someone greater, someone with more experience, who is more wise and knowledgeable. Rather, than stand up, cutting the crap out of that approach and finding out and doing it for myself. Lazy.
So everything that I was trying to communicate really was just a bunch of crap pilled on to give the appearance of a valid question. But soon after I realize that there was no substance to what I was doing something was not right with what I was attempting to communicate. What I really was saying was, “I do not trust myself”, “You are so much more capable then I”, “I want what you have/are”, “I am not worthy”. I was placing myself in a vulnerability and setting myself up, and what happened when I was not validated, I experienced loss, I spent hours in a funk, wondering why I was so fucked up. Interesting how when the presupposition is made where I place myself in a position of inferiority, and the other does not come through with the other half of that equation/relationship then the minds natural response is to fulfill that prophecy that I/one made/makes for oneself. Like this conformation is made in agreement within the mind where its like, the thing/being I am internally placing myself as inferior to did not play out their/its role as the superior point within my idea of it/them. So what happens the mind just uses that to confirm the initial judgement. “Oh it must be true!!”. Interesting, how this really is just showing and mirroring the mountain of crap that I placed in front of myself to get to that point.
Time to start shoveling and figure out why I have not been able to do it for me completely, why I never see myself as capable. Time to figure out why I always give up, and screw myself over. Time to really stand and do what I can see I am really capable of. Time to stop the pointless and monumental waste of time the placement of polarity is playing out within my world. Time to take me seriously.
I commit myself to the investigation of how and why I originally did not want to place myself in a position of self leadership, and to find out where the break happened where I slid my initial image of self worth into the default position of inferior in comparison with most others.