200. Shame, fear, and my vulnerability.

A Ted talk I watched opened up this point which touches on and interweaves within the point I wrote about yesterday.

The power of vulnerability it was called, and perhaps some of the points put forth I understood already underneath it all, but I have been so caught up in my own struggle to understand that I have not given much time to just surrender myself to the process as it comes.

Why have I made things so difficult for me?

Why do I seem to not want to follow through and look consistently at myself and the patterns that come up?

Why do I demonize myself so much?

Why am I unworthy?

In the talk it was said the only main difference between those people that see themselves as worthy and those that don’t is… belief. Looking into this more I can see is the relationship that I have and hold to fear and shame. I am feel shame for the things that I have done, and fear that this shame is all there is. There is no worthiness within it, I have not accepted me as that shame, as those fears.  And so I hide. Hide within those emotions always looking for the point of control I look for the things that I know are certain within my life, I have always done this I can see, to smoking cigarettes and weed, to watching porn, to skateboarding they have always been about certainty. A certainty of outcome where there is the predictable confirmation of unworthiness. There has never been a constant and consistent hereness within my life activities because I have never had the courage to allow myself to become vulnerable. Vulnerability is a key in this equation, where I face the fears and allow myself to see them, being vulnerable to face them myself and to stop the fears of placing them out for all to see as well. That would be the starting point to real change to place myself in a position of realizing my vulnerability, of knowing that I am imperfect and I cannot control every outcome. That even attempting to control every outcome I am inherently trying to place restrictions on myself and hold myself in a continuous internal bond of fear and shame, each counterpointing each other. Now within my experiences this has been the way I constantly have been searching for the thing that will get me out. The idea, the invention, the group, person, place, that will lead me out of this life of struggle, but really what is this struggle? Has it to do with any of those things? No not really. I just simply do not think/believe that I am worthy, or rather the belief that is prescient is that I am unworthy. I cannot and have not been able to trust me because of the things I have done and have just have tended to return to those behaviours, rinse, repeat.

So where is the solution, as always it lies with self and the process that I have begun walking with Desteni, where I take on the systems of belief, patterning of self behaviour, and fear and shame that accompanies those things. Forgive them and let them go, stop the “must be” attitude that forms from within that fear, and become fluid, and vulnerable, to stop looking for consequences in certainty and open myself up to the unknown, open up to the possible me, open myself up to something that I have not already imagined and done. Trying something new, or trying something old with a new approach, the approach of awareness within what I am doing, am I doing this because I am afraid and this activity gives me the illusions of stability because the outcome is predictable? Or am I able to let go be here as breathe and enjoy myself regardless of what happens. I do not know at this stage, the only thing to do is to continue walking and to see.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that I am not worthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the system that is functioning within me when I participate with this believe is rooted in shame and fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknowns in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to find the courage to face failure and instead stick with the predictable outcomes of the preprogrammed nature of myself, never venturing beyond what I believe that I am worth which has historically been very little in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the feeling of worthiness as a emotional crutch of the self where I am basing all of myself on a set of feelings within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create illusions within those feelings/emotions about how I MUST act to maintain a image of myself that is acceptable in society instead of choosing to do always what is BEST for all society/life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the point of vulnerability within my life to admit to myself as well as others where I am not perfect, I do not know everything, and instead am able to speak and behave from a place where I do not have to control the outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control to such a extent that I will actually limit the amount of participation that I take even within my own life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold myself to seek out the things in my life where I know what the outcome will be because I emotionally invest in what that particular activity/habit/pattern/addiction with hold/stimulate for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how these points of investment are the limitations that I impose on myself, they are the chains that I have locked myself up within my own world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that by releasing the dependence on the predictable nature of my addictions that I will be able to become more open, efficient, and effective within how I move within my world each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mix up the difference between the effectiveness of creating a timeline for myself where I realize and walk through a day with the understanding of certain responsibilities and commitments, and swapping that for a feeling of doing things irrationally for the point of stimulation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the basic inherent question to ask myself within my daily life being that am I accepting me as the most capable being that I can be in each moment, in each breathe or am I reacting in a response to fear and shame of things/behaviors/memories, am I living in the past in each moment or am I able to accept me fully now as each moment?

So when and as I see myself looking to behave in a reactionary way within my world where I see and believe myself to be inferior to anything or anyone else I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is a system running within me where I actually have not allowed myself to become vulnerable with myself to the point where I can admit the truth, which is that I am behaving only out of reaction and emotions.

I commit myself to stop the systems of self dishonesty and mistrust with myself and take up the call within myself to stand and become a being in which I am not fearful of my past and I am able to walk step by step, breathe by breathe towards and as a new being as me here as life in every moment until I actually represent that reality within me.

I commit myself to stop the reactive behaviors as a point of conformation of my the inherent believe that I will never change and I am not worthy of change, that I will always be evil and there is no way out. I commit myself to realize that I made those pathways a reality and that I am the ONLY ONE that will be able to walk back out of them.

I commit myself to see how throughout this entire endeavor that has been my life the only thing that has proven to myself thus far to be effective in allowing myself to change has been self forgiveness and the tools that Desteni has been taught to me, because I am in that moment taking up and becoming directive in me, I am making the stand within me to be the one as me that is taking back control from my mind in letting go of the predictable preprogrammed state that I have fallen in over the course of my entire life here, and that has been the plight of all throughout existence.

I commit myself to see how as me I am able to become more effective within my world and in time able to increase the scope of what I am able to do but in the meantime to stop the self judgement of what I have been doing as acting in separation, but letting that go through the process of self forgiveness and self corrective alignment, and realizing that is in the past and that I am able to act now without resorting to past patterns.

When and as I see myself not standing as and within the actuality of each moment and deciding to be here now I stop and breathe and remember that this is the real “test” of the whole matter, nothing cerebral, nothing here nor there, no feeling this is maybe ok or that is not ok, am I breathing. Am I able to stand as and within the point of breathe without anything stimulating me within the mind.

I commit myself to coming to the understanding that breathing here is the actually act that will confirm to me that I am here, where that is all that needs to be observed as the outcome in any situation.

I commit myself to breathe and realize that this is the conformation that I am trusting myself in that moment.

I commit myself to see that if I notice that I am not breathing that then there is a point of the mind that has taken over within my current expression of self, either through thoughts, projections, feelings, and emotions that come up and that I can be addressed over time.

I commit myself to not reduce a initial failure to address all points as a personal reflection and that I personally and not worthy of being a whole being, rather realizing that this will take time and persistence and the courage to realize that I am not so/and am not required to be perfect, yet I can strive for perfection within my approach and progress.

I commit myself to remain vigilant with myself and to become creative and enjoy the process of self realization rather than seeing it as a conformation of my evil nature, as the sum of all I have accepted and allowed through and within my life.

I commit myself to realize that the continuation of the behavior is really the defining factor of who I am choosing to be in each moment and that standing in and as the principles of equality and oneness is what will guide me, where following the polarity logic within my mind has and will always lead me down a path of personal betrayal.

I commit myself to this process wholly understanding that I will have to face myself as the  darker side of what I have done and admit them and become vulnerable within myself so as to show that I am not afraid of my own past and living in a reactionary reality.

I commit myself to live this one life as the best that I can for myself and for all.

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