201. Becoming defensive about a life decision.

So I had a conversation with a spiritualist/light worker co-worker about my plans for future work. I was confronted by this person about me going to cook in the oil sands camps in Northern Alberta. My co-worker basically said that they were not going to say anything about it because I know how they feel about that. At that point I blurted out something about keeping the judgements under wraps with a laugh and in good humor. This though did not sit well with the other being and they proceeded to tell me/ask me why people think it is a judgement when it is the “truth”. So from there I was taken aback a little bit because obviously I am not in support of the use of fossil fuels as a sustainable way of living and conducting ourselves on this planet, but I was mainly talking about the point of self judgement, where I was being seen as the “bad guy” for going.

So I attempted to explain the reasons why for me I was going to do this and how I would allow me to place myself in a position of financial independence and stability. But the argument that I was confronted with was basically the point of dirty money and it being morally wrong. I tried to say more about how money allows one to move in this world, but they said that only was what some believe. At this point I was like this is ludicrous I mean we were both standing in a homeless shelter talking about the validity of the need of money to survive and make movement within ones life.  I was getting frustrated within myself and I saw this, so I decided to pull myself back from the conversation and the interaction on that level with the being.

Afterwards I was faced with much mind movements, wondering if/where I was at fault within the conversation. What was I really trying to get across? Why?

So…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my image in regards of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about losing out to others or losing there respect so to speak.

I forgive myself for wanting to leverage my knowledge and information to create a case from within my stance on the matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the defensiveness that I experience actually was only fueling the fire within the situation and myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have preconceptions about the other being and how they would react to the news of my decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to initially let go of the situation where I felt that I needed to be understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I needed to be right and acquitted of the charge of judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this particular system that is running seems all about self preservation, and not being questioned on my position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the other being as believing that the are in the right and superior in their moral stance and from there making this point of “having” to correct them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the mirror that is placed in there where it is actually showing me the point of superiority that I have built around this being where I have begun to see and view generally all spiritualist and light workers as people who are wrong and misguided.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself within what I am doing in my world because of the preconceptions that I have made about spiritualist/light workers, instead of just being practical about those situations and sharing where I can and remaining quiet where it is not best to talk.

So when and as I am faced with and shown a mirror of myself within another being where I am questioned on the decisions I have come to within my world and where I am show my own insecurities within my decisions I stop myself and breathe, and realize that it is not for me to convince others on why or how it is that I am choosing to place myself within this world at this stage.

When and as I see myself having preconceptions about another being I stop myself and breathe and remember that even thinking that this person is going to judge me is actually a judgement of that person where I believe that they are the judgemental type.

When and as I see myself becoming afraid of losing a beings respect or at seeing how a particular being is more indoctrinated into a particular line of morals and this will be more difficult to explain myself to I stop myself and breathe, and become clear within me on what and why I am doing the things that I am doing.

When and as I see myself secretly viewing myself as superior to the other beings as a my way is more right then your way type attitude, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is a system of my mind and that it is representing a addiction to validation.

I commit myself to stop the fear of others reprisal where I do not want to be placed within the spotlight and asked to defend myself.

I commit myself to when I am called to defend myself in terms of what are my reasoning’s behind my decisions I make a practical decision on what to say and when not to talk based within my own current platform of self realization and understanding.

I commit myself to stop the preconceptions towards other people where I classify them into a particular pigeonhole because they fit the mold or spiritualist/light worker for example.

I commit myself to realize that the actual reactions and preconceptions are really only highlighting the definitions and judgements that I have built up within my mind around those particular groups of people.

I commit myself to understand for myself why I am still attempting to convince others about my position regarding this point of working in the camps.

I commit myself to see how within this there is still a point of uncertainty or uncomfortableness in terms of am I morally doing the right thing.

I commit myself to stop the moralistic point of view where morals themselves are based within a self interested starting point where I see this as being right or wrong instead of seeing it from the starting point of what is going to place me with the opportunity to be in a position that will grant me the ability to make more movement within my world and do what is best for all.

Ok I am going to stop there for now, as I have to leave for work but I will pick this up again later.

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