Writing things out has always been somewhat a problem point for me within my world. I never wanted to do homework in my youth, and something I notice within my process is how that point is carried on underneath it. It has become a real push to stand up and start walking for myself. Something that occurred to me yesterday while listening to a interview is how this whole point is really about suppression, about fighting myself and what I am experiencing within it is the friction of the system trying to survive.
Something I just noticed is how when I have this resistance to write it is like I am looking at this mountain of words that need to come out of me and I just ball up within myself, I fear the magnitude that I project onto my process. That is where the point lies it seems, I am looking forward in fear of the effort needed, the constant and consistent direction that is needed within self. I WANT to laze around, I don’t want to write because it requires constant effort, or so I think.
Within this I notice that if I just focus myself on breathing, and on the words as they come up instead of off somewhere in the mind of future projects, then the act of writing is not painful at all, it is just me writing and it comes.
So something that I came to realize about this whole system of writing and self suppression is how what I have a tendency to do is get quite antsy with it and always want to move on to the next point, I touch on things and within a limited time span only am willing to put in/give/gift myself with so much on a particular point, and so what I am facing is a whole lot of writing that is basically pointless because I have, in most cases, not walked through the point completely. And this is where the friction/suppression lies/begins.
So what would be the solution here? I can see the value of staying on point and walking through a point in a consistent way and learning how to identify and cover all the points within a particular mind system. Within that this…. fear I suppose comes up about staying on one point for so long, meaning I have so many things happening in and around my day that I am facing that I experience being overwhelmed. I suppose what I have been doing is kind of like this “Oh, this is the biggest point of the day so let me tackle that a bit”, “oh there is another point lets just get that out of my head for now” type experience but never really with the intention to completely remove them and the systems associated with them. That task has and does seem daunting to me. So I suppose that would be a cool place to start, with the fear of completion. Also the point of writing things out by hand in a notebook for my own benefit and for self is a point as well that could use attention but again so many points to cover so I must do my best to stay on track and cover one thing at a time.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write out my mind in a way that represents a real complete standing of myself as the life force.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here within my writings always and in a complete way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how the friction and the inner turmoil is a result of not accepting and allowing myself to take on myself within the points and systems in a complete manner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as friction and as a fighting with myself rather then working with myself to take on my mind in a focus and dynamic way in which I am the directive force within my process and not thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself the time of day so to speak in creating space for me to really take on myself as the mind through my process of writing.
I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to stand within the belief that I am not able write myself out in a constant and consistent manner in which I will reach a point of “completion” within a particular point.
I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the point of completion where I look at the point of completing a task/point as daunting and from there avoid the doing a task with the entirety of myself here in each stage of the task of walking through that point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing these tasks as mountains of effort that I must climb within my life to reach the end of my journey, and from there really create a system of pity within me when and as looking and projecting ahead.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with the end of my journey where I look at all the way to go and become totally disheartened.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base and direct myself from within the point of having “heart” within my process and not to realize the use of emotion as motivation is really counterproductive and will always lead to a systematic failure to effectively take on myself because it will always be based within how I feel about it in that moment/day/etc.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as consistency as the prime base for conducting myself within my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how creating and maintaining consistency is the foundation that will actually carry me through from point A to B to C etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of simplicity within my process where 1+1=2 is the most simple basis in conducting myself within this process, and that by jumping all over the place effectively what I am doing is forming complex math and equations for myself to figure out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the moment here as breathe as what is real and to take that in account in each moment of writing, where I place myself as here in breathe to actually learn and take myself on in the most simple effective manner.
I will stop here for now and pick it up here next time.