220. Worryworting over work, and who I would like to become.

So here I am going to write about, kind of a continuation of the last post, kind of not.
I am applying myself better at my work, and have definitely changed my approach to how I conduct myself there. And now something else has come to the surface about my current situation/relationship towards work/money. I am noticing that where when I look at my current situation within my financial situation, I am just about treading water. I am not moving anywhere really where-as my current income vs my expenses are basically even, in fact I notice that I may be in the negative in terms of cash-flow as it seems. I have not done a current audit of my finances recently so I am not so sure, I am living paycheck to paycheck at this time though. So all of this has had this effect of anxiousness within me again. Like, worrying and beating myself up on how I am supposed to achieve my goals, how am I going to make progress within my world. Now obviously I can look at what I am able to do practically within my world to make a difference like taking a detailed account of what my expenses actually are. The main point it seems that has thrown me off is how I have been planning to go and work as a cook in the oil camps in northern Alberta to gain some financial stability. But just this week I have been hearing about the fall of the price of oil worldwide. With this I checked out what jobs are available in the camps currently and saw that there was none where as few weeks ago there was several. I immediately went into a anxiety about what I was going to do to support my goals as this was the way that I was going to be able to make enough money to get my life going so to speak, and I had missed my chance, was the main reaction which strung out into a whole bunch of other internal backchat and simulations. And while this could simply be because there is no jobs at this time, rather me actually missing my out on a change/opportunity.  Today I started looking at job ads and wondering if I should just look to work two jobs until I can at least support the cost of becoming a techno tutor distributor, which is one of the main goals that I would like to accomplish. So yes there is this present worry about how I am going to afford everything that I need to and fit in the added cost of a distributor license, since I am already stretched so thin. Also comes up the point of how much time I can devote to work if I am staying here close to home instead of working and staying in the camp. Two jobs would mean two schedules, two commutes, not necessarily much more money, and where as I have done this before, its not the ideal situation time wise. So it looks like I instead have to firstly stop the judgment point of how I feel everything has to happen right away, and secondly focus on the variables that I have actual control over like what I am doing within my daily life that are not supportive and changing those things. Like for instance keeping a more detailed record of my finances and tracking my personal consumption of things and how I spend money and in which ways. This is the act of looking at who I am in this moment and self honestly seeing how I can change the points of myself that are not supportive in becoming who I would can become as the potential that I have and am capable of within myself to be a part of bringing about a world best for all.

So here I will pick up more tomorrow on this subject.

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219. Chef Sham Part 4. Corrections.

When and as I see myself defining myself within my workplace as something boring, unfulfilling, disappointing, and not up to my standards, I stop myself and breathe and realize that what is happening here is that I am judging my experience against something that I project as “should be”, rather then working with what is.

I commit myself to stop playing my desires out in front of where I am at, and realizing that to get anywhere I have to walk through the steps of actually taking on what is in front of me with full capability and full responsibility, instead of whining or complaining about how this is not the way that I want things to be.

I commit myself stand up and do the best that I can do within my workplace to show myself first and foremost what I really am capable of doing within my work in the cooking industry, and use that as a platform to show myself that I can take that into any field that I choose to explore within my life.

I commit myself to see and realize how these reactions are really nothing more then emotional responses, and that these are actually choices that I make in the moment in whether to participate or to not participate in something.

I commit myself to realize that when I define my experience as boring and a disappointment I am actually creating that experience as I am not allowing myself to breathe in each moment and give equal value to all moments within my life.

I commit myself to see how this experience is actually only really taking place within my mind as a point of self judgment of when and where I am feeling good about my experience and where I am feeling bad, thus basing my experience of myself only on the feeling and emotional aspect, instead of the practical point of working with what is in my hands.

When and as I see myself placing so much emphasis and focus on the actual job instead of the expression of myself within the job, I stop and breathe, and realize that the true nature of myself is not any particular job, or point of what that job entails, what I can gain from it at this point, but rather find myself as a point of stability within how I choose to work within my job.

I commit myself to find a stable expression of myself within my work, remembering to breathe as the primary point of being there within myself unconditionally, and realizing that work is only a series of moments within breathe, just like being at home or on the bus, etc.

I commit myself to then see how the emphasis has only ever been on the experience of myself through point of stimulation and the propagation of energy within myself, as like good job/bad job types of scenarios.

When and as I see myself not wanting to participate within my work because of not wanting to deal with the hierarchy of this particular workplace I stop myself and breathe, and realize that this experience is not a new one to me but in fact is something that I associate with many of my previous jobs.

When and as I see myself desiring to stop working as a chef, solely on the grounds/basis of comparing my experiences as memories within industry as being bad or not enjoyable, I stop myself and breathe and then see how all along this has many been about getting by with the least effort and the highest result.

I commit myself to stop associating my current expression of myself with the memories that I hold towards other jobs.

I commit myself to instead focus on what I can do within my day to day world currently and stop expecting something else out of this in the form of experience, knowledge and information, or a energetic high.

I commit myself to realize how this expectation is really something that I can use to justify not putting in a honest effort within my work ethic, where I make the exchange about what I am do in relation to what I get from my jobs, instead I commit myself stop using excuses as to why I cannot/should not work hard at any given job, or task.

I commit myself to see how the experiences of work that I am looking for is something that will come up naturally as I remain myself “here”, and that I will learn and observe the details within cooking that will allow me to progress while being here in breathe rather then being in the mind, and where instead of demanding specific types of cooking knowledge from my workplaces I can instead learn through awareness of myself and practice of deliberately paying attention to details.

I commit myself to see how this point of applying myself and committing to doing the best that I can do for myself is really about remaining present in all situations.

When and as I see myself separating myself from the actually physical act of cooking, and just placing in a category of something that must be done to survive, I stop myself and breathe, and see how this has really made me adversarial towards cooking on the whole where I instead of being able to utilize cooking as a form of self expression I have really made it about just the job that gets me money and then I go home.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from the physical act of cooking, where I enjoy myself within what this physical act has to offer me.

I commit myself to remember to breathe and to really take in the aromas and the physical sensations that are present within the act of cooking to remind me that I am here, instead of being only in the mind the whole time planning and scheming about what I am going to do later.

I commit myself to stop the negative stance that I have taken towards cooking from the basis of making the act of cooking a labor/chore in itself rather then the potential to be a act of self expression and creation that I can thoroughly enjoy, as I have shown myself that this is possible.

When and as I see myself basing my entire experience of working in the cooking industry as something where I want to help people feel good, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that this point of wanting to help people, or make people feel good through cooking is really an attempt to fulfill myself and make myself feel good.

When and as I see myself acting within a altruistic starting point I stop myself and breathe and see how altruism when boiled down is really only self interest.

I commit myself to stop the point of looking for emotional gratification through cooking, and realize that self fulfillment comes through self honesty and trust of self, and not through the praises of others.

I commit myself to put in the best effort that I can as not a matter of pleasing others but a point of building self honest trust within myself in how I choose to conduct myself within any situation, work wise, or other wise.

When and as I see myself not taking responsibility for the fact that nothing that I have done within this point participation with my mind has been/is for the benefit of all, I stop myself and breathe, and recognize how this has actually only ever been about gaining something for myself through the desire for fame, specialness, and praise for my abilities/accomplishment.

I commit myself to realize that participation within the mind has always left me unsatisfied because I am never able to fulfill my own standards of what I really want which is to be venerated by others in some/any way.

I commit myself to again understand how the point of self respect is born from trust with self, and learning to work within what I am capable of doing in any given moment, rather then fantasizing or scheming about what could be, or what I will be doing.

I commit myself to see how this is only a mind projection and has not really bearing on what/how I am experience myself here, in every moment, but rather only shows me how I am not living up to my own desires of self importance in the future, and then spiral a pattern of depression, and through that poor work ethic into a feedback loop scenario.

I commit myself to stop the feedback loop.

When and as I see myself participating in passing the blame onto others within my workplace instead of taking on myself and taking full responsibility for my ability to physically work instead of giving into the patterns of thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, desires, I stop myself and breathe, and instead bring myself back an see what I can do to find a way to create a scenario that is best for all.

I commit myself to stop blaming the other people for what I am not able to take full responsibility of my own mind and instead work within self to find a best for all solution.

When and as I see myself using the justification of this job being temporary as a excuse to not put it a self honest full effort with my approach and attitude with my work ethic, I stop myself and breathe, and instead choose to be here within my work no matter how much time I have been working with a particular job.

I commit myself to give myself a self honest effort within my work, and no matter how long I have been working within a particular job to maintain a strong personal work ethic.

I commit myself to stop the experience of remaining neutral where I judge myself within my work as being here because I am not having a good/bad day, and I commit myself to see/realize how neutrality is not “hereness” where I am aware of myself in breathe.

I commit myself to reconstruct my work experience to one where I am aware of myself to the best of ability within breathe, realizing that this initially will be challenging and will require many re-alignments but is something that I am fully capable of.

218. Chef Sham part 3

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience within my workplace as boring because I view it as not being able to fulfill this personal point of fulfillment which has to do the type of cooking that I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within and as a point of disappointment when I come to this judgment of the job as not being stimulating enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself within the job because it is not meeting certain standards/prerequisites that I am looking for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form as pattern within myself whenever this point of the job being what I am looking for comes up.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that this job really does not matter so much as how I express and conduct myself within the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to participate within this job because of not wanting to deal with my manager and placing all the emphasis on this other being as the foundation of why I cannot really enjoy myself within this job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to stop working as a chef based within the experiences and memories that I have had/am having within the cooking industry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself extensively from the physical act of cooking to something that must be done to survive, and really placing it within something that I do not want to do as a job any longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the expressive ability that I am able to have within cooking into just a point of getting it done and going home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire work to be over from the perspective that I am burning out, and have let this emotional response come over me and take me over to the point where I stop wanting to participate within my workplace.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my entire experience of working within the cooking industry as from within a point of looking for something altruistic to do within my life, and not ever really seeing or understanding that this point of desiring to be altruistic really is a point of attempting to fulfill myself, and is really only self interest when boiling down to the essence of the matter.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this point really has never really been about doing something that benefits all, but have really been just looking for something to benefit myself emotionally and this is shown in where here I am working within a position that could be described as helping others, yet I am unsatisfied.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to the point that what I am really looking for is self interest, fame, specialness, and recognition for my abilities, not realizing that this is just a fanciful desire that I have created within my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the participation of myself within my own mind will not lead to self fulfillment or self satisfaction in any lasting permanent fashion.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate with and be able to see who I really am and instead just choose to pass the blame along to the other people at my workplace and within the people staying within the shelter as well.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself within my workplace and do the job to my fullest ability, allowing instead a propensity to just give into thoughts, feelings, emotion, ideas, desires, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the justification of leaving the workplace as a valid reason to not put my full ethic within my working attitude and approach.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe and focus myself where within that moment I instead just look for the easiest way to do my job and get out and go home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take up a neutral space within my approach to my job where I do just enough to get by and collect the paycheque instead of looking at what I can do to improve my ability to perform in a practical way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into this version of polarity through placing myself within a point of neutrality and claiming that to be hereness, when in fact hereness is being here in breathe and having no experiences about good/neutral/bad.

OK I will continue with the corrections next time.

217. Now vs then in daily living.

So I am going to come back to my relationship with work later. Right now I would like to write about a aspect of how I self suppress, which I suppose has relevance to my work relationship as well.

I notice that in my day to day world there is a lot of things that I really am genuinely interested in. Not necessarily for any other reason that I can see other than curiosity. I like to understand how things function. I mean who would not like to understand how things function, but getting there seems to be the problem for me. What appears to be the case for me is that I have spread out the task among to large an area. I DESIRE to know about everything and in this created this despair at never really taking something on within the necessary requirements to actually understand anything with any real proficiency. I have set it up so I never really get off the ground floor with any particular area. And within this despair there is a experience of suppression. I suppress myself because I there is no one area that I see myself as being totally committed to and within. This suppression manifests as things like my addictions and this pervasive, “I can’t do it” attitude to life in general, and “I might as well give up and not try”, giving up and giving in before I even start.

So the solution here which is/has been made apparent is to go back to the basics. Focus myself on being here, breathing. Remembering that this is the fundamental, and foundational point in which I can launch myself from within anything that I choose to do now or at anytime in the future. I should be able to stop the projections of what I want to see myself as being within the future and instead be able to apply myself within a consistent and integrated fashion within what is available to me within my world presently. Which is a lot. I have just CHOOSEN to instead project myself into a reality in the future where things would be so much better because I understand this, or can express myself that way, but never really confronting the steps that would need to be addressed and walked to get there.

So within that,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel despair at the idea that I will never be a person of any real value.

I forgive myself to feel this way because I have not actually accepted myself within who I am and what I am capable of doing/taking on within my reality in this moment.

I forgive myself to forget that the real point of walking this reality starts with the ability of myself to be here within this moment of breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give all of my attentive abilities to that which I want myself to be within some future vision of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this desire/want as just a projection of my mind in which I then totally judge myself within this moment as being unworthy because I am not that vision already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself the time and effort that is require to actually walk the steps that would open up new ways of expressing myself and understanding where I am and where I am most effective within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is the missing link within how I view myself and how I am best suited to proceed within my day to day living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this missing link in all my observations of myself thus creating this despair point by just not being able to fully commit to anything because of this feedback loop within my mind of not being good enough to proceed vs the desire to be good/proficient at something with a level of mastery.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself realize that mastery of anything comes with time and PRACTICAL APPLICATION of self and the practice of particular skills that are placed in step by step procedure which at this moment requires the steps of self awareness and self correction from reactive behavior and addictive nature to one of awareness and directive ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that the basic point to consider when facing off against my mind is that where I CHOOSE in each moment whether to breathe or weather to participate within my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

When and as I see myself not fully accepting myself within who I am in this moment and giving into the experience of despair at not being who I see myself as within a complex desire and vision of myself at some point in the future I stop the projection of that vision and breathe and bring myself back here and instead choose to be here now.

I commit myself to realize that being here now is the only real way to proceed with any sustainable point of motivation with a subject or self exploritive or self embracing manner.

I commit myself to see how moving back to the basics of breathing and stopping my minds tendency to project is really the way to stop the experiences that are created within suppression of the real ability of myself to direct me in any given moment through the supplementation of momentary direction with the woe is me experience of I am not who I desire to be.

When and as I see myself as this projection of unworthiness based within this vision of myself sometime in the future I stop myself and breathe, remembering that this experience is really taking place within my mind as a reaction of self judgment.

I commit myself to move myself out of the point of self judgment.

I commit myself then realize that this vision of desire to be something/someone of value within this world really holds no value within my experience of myself here.

I commit myself to realize and implement the understanding that to progress within my world and how I move through-out my life is dependent on the things that I do and how I do them. I commit myself to stop judgment towards the amount of time that something will take or if there is significant effort involved since it is proven that walking within self honesty and self commitment initially will require some effort and time.

I commit myself to see that with time and effort there will be/has been significant change and that moving myself within a consistent manner will open up new avenues, and new understanding of myself and what I am capable of.

I commit myself to see how being here consistently as breathe is really the fundamental missing factor that I have to remember to implement within my daily living.

I commit myself to see that within this bringing myself back to the basics of breathe I will be about to accurately gauge and direct myself in the way that will be the most supportive and most effective for me to follow through with.

So when and as I see myself falling into this point of despair/fear about how I THINK that I will never find out what I am able to do, and therein never really follow through or participate fully with anything I stop myself and breathe, and realize this experience for what it is, a mind possession that I have cleverly designed for myself to not move and give justification to stay within all of my addictions and distractions.

I commit myself to see that mastering something will take a active commitment to that point to see if it actually something that I can become good within and something that will be a practical use of my time and focus within my life.

I commit myself when facing learning/testing out a particular point to realize that just because initially I am not a master at it right away that I cannot/will not improve and to realize that this is the way that one has to walk to get anywhere, where there are no gifts, only learned action.

I commit myself to walk through point of exploring potential new opportunities within a clear starting point, and weighing out the pros and cons of each thing, being practical with my choices and what will be most supportive for myself to place me in the position to contribute to a world best for all.

I commit myself to move myself within all my daily activities and choices to a place of awareness and directive action, instead of being a mere reaction to the environment and my own perceptions of how I should be within that environment.

I commit myself to stop participating in self sabotage through reaction to the thoughts, feelings, emotions that I have built up about myself and how I have been approaching my life thus far.

I commit myself to realize the to get anywhere in my life I MUST make a decisive effort-ed attempt at things instead of focusing only on the aspect of what I do not yet have which really is what I have only ever done.

I commit myself essentially to myself within each moment to pay attention to who I am here within this breathe and then the next.

216. Chef Sham Two.

So looking at a broader perspective what does this situation also represent within me? Well earlier I was mentioning that I have been interested in trying something else out in terms of work. One of the main reasons is really because I have this point of wanting to be in a workplace where I will be learning higher end cooking. I have become bored with this job on a level. This is not the first time this has happened, actually many other jobs that I have worked I have lost interest when I realized that I would not have the opportunity to learn something new and dynamic within the culinary arts, where what has happened is that I have judged myself as being more skillful then the person that is set to manage or run the kitchen. So what is happening mainly is that I am having this preset desire to learn something particular and project this desire onto the jobs that I will be working and from there continuously become disappointed with the job.

Actually this job has been the least disappointing mainly just because of the process that I am walking, but I am still noticing a yearning to move on to something else. The point comes up mainly when faced with these particular encounters with my manager, where I do not want to deal with that sort of thing anymore.

I notice that not only do I desire to move onto another job I do not want to continue within the cooking industry. At least not when it is not on my own terms, I am really separating the cooking mentality within myself where working as a cook and cooking for the point of creating something are not one and the same.
I have made cooking as a job something to be totally awful, and have noticed that I do not enjoy cooking on the whole as much as I used to because of it. Yet as I explored in the last few posts, even the starting point of me getting into the culinary arts and pursuing a career in cooking was initially unclear and self interested within the platform of altruism.
And it is funny here now that working as cook within a homeless shelter is probably the closest that I have ever really come to that initial intent, and I am still unsatisfied. It goes to show that the participation within the mind never really leads to self satisfaction and fulfillment.

So something to see within these recent experiences with my manager is that despite what the other being is really doing on their part there is still the aspect of not really seeing what is really taking place within me in those situations where I have this yearning for it to be all over (work wise I am speaking from) not wanting to participate within it. This is really just a unwillingness to see who I am and what I have accepted and allowed as myself within the workplace. It is not like I cannot do the job effectively I just allow these yearnings, feelings, depressions, etc, to rule over me and hold power over the way that I am choosing to express myself within the workplace. I notice that I have grown and become more expressive yet there recently this is something that I am noticing within myself, that there is this wall that I am not willing to cross, because “I am going to leave anyway so what is the point in giving my all”.So I do not participate fully, I just hunker down and do the minimum in most cases. I treat most of the people there as temporary in which I only have to deal with instead of viewing this as a opportunity to open myself up, place myself out in the world and expand how I am able to stand effectively. Some days are easier then others and I can see how this is really attributed to my own set of feelings, emotions, and preconceptions about people, how willing I am to interact. So instead of basing my expression on something stable like breathe I have really just broken it down to how I can easiest get through the day without rocking the boat so to speak, staying in that neutral space, and not seeing how that neutrality really is not hereness, but rather just a place on the polarity spectrum.

Ok, I will explore this point through self forgiveness and correct the point in the next post.

215. Chef Sham corrections 1.

When and as I see myself become defensive on the point of being criticized by my coworker I stop myself and breathe and realize how the point of taking offense is actually my own acceptance and allowance to make it a personal issue.

I commit myself to see how in these situation there is always a positive point and a negative point and how these represent the winner and loser of the situation.

I commit myself to stop subscribing to the those states of winner/loser, realizing that they in fact only represent a energetic experience, that which I have become addicted to the positive end of the scale of being the winner.

I commit myself to realize how the point of defensiveness is actually coming through trying to prevent to loss of the positive experience. And so I commit myself to start living within breathe and realize that the acceptance and allowance of myself as defensiveness really is a ego based creation where I do not want to let go of the positive energy.

When and as I see myself defining myself with and as the positive energetic experience and find that this experience is being threatened because of a supposed attack on the definitions, I stop myself and breathe and see how I have created that which makes me “unique”, in which the things that I know how to do are what makes up my view of myself as a stable productive being is actually only a coping mechanism that I have created for myself where I have these few things in which I define myself as being good at and that this is the areas that are “Alex”. And so when it is threaten I always want to jump on the person or things that is threatening to me right away.

When and as I see myself holding my entire sense of self worth within and as these points of skill to where the point of defense comes in when I am tested so to speak within the hierarchy of the cooking world, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that what is happening is that without awareness am looking to maintain my place within that hierarchy.

I commit myself to realize that the competition of myself with others in/about/over cooking is really just a way for me to feel better and stable as a human being where I gain my sense of self worth mainly from the things that I can do.

I commit myself to stop using this coping mechanism to move me through-out my life, and see how if I am using just few things to hold my self view stable that this will actually never create stability because the second that I come up against another being that challenges my ability in those areas I prove to myself that I am not stable by wanting to defend “Alex”, and defend that position within the point of skill based self image.

I commit myself to instead learn to breathe through-out my day and see that this is the real indication of stability where I am present here in each moment and not reacting to others constantly every time my self/world view is challenged.

When and as I see others as the cause for and the reason behind why I do not really want to continue within the industry I stop myself and breathe, and see that the accumulation of these memories is why I have reached this point within my view of myself and the cooking industry.

I commit myself to see how this is actually showing me the opportunity to change my approach to how I do things at my work, how I am capable of improving myself in terms of what I am willing to do, as well as teaching me the opportunity to refresh my focus in remain here within breathe.

I commit myself to realize that when I am facing my coworker as the mirror of myself this is the point in which I can take a stand within myself and prove to myself that I am able to living within practical means by accessing what is the best possible option within the scenario and sticking to that which may or may not involve doing what my coworker says, and making suggestions about how improvements could be made within it becoming a point of defensiveness and battle for control.

I commit myself to stop the reaction to these situations as a revisiting of older similar situations where I was faced with other co-workers that I have gone to battle with so to speak to defend my self defined right to be right.

I commit myself instead to see the other being as they are one and equal with myself and not allow myself to reduce the situation to a matter of memories where I just repeat the same scenarios that I did before.

214. Realizing my own chef sham.

So I was looking into why perhaps I was having these initial reactions towards my coworker, and I realized a few things. It is part of a much larger system. Something that has struck me with the one particular aspect within this is my coworker has this saying that they like to put out there from time to time about how they “hate stupidity”, “have no patience for idiots”. I can see how within myself the reaction to this is always this “me to” experience. Not necessarily exactly thinking it but I realized that there is this resident underlying definition within myself towards stupidity. I then realized that I judge this being as being stupid and judgmental. Very plain to see how the mirror is pointed back in on myself.

Recently I have been watching quite a few documentaries, science videos, space videos, and yesterday I was looking for a mooc that might benefit me within something that I would like to pursue. I see how there is still this point of trying to find out what I want to do, like I see how within me I do not want to continue cooking forever. That is one thing to look at. I have been questioning the practicality of being a cook/chef, it can take quite a while to reach a point of seniority within the industry and once there the pay is not very good, and the hours long and intensive. So after 15 years I am looking for something else it seems.

So what does this have to do with my co-worker? This is the whole point where what I am experiencing within the reactions to her words is how there is this resident fear within myself that I am stupid/not good enough/never going to get out. A crash within myself where I start to judge myself and then judge my co-worker for it.

Obviously this is not the only reason for the reactions but it is one that noticed particularly last night where I had a mini sort of freak out about what I am going to do with myself in the long run. This is larger system that I am talking about, but I will stick with the immediate point and go into the larger point more in another post.

So yes this experience with my co-worker highlights a few things about myself and why/where I am reacting. Like often what will happen is where the situation arises where I will be asked about something arbitrary and when I answer the reaction from my co-worker (lets just call them P for short) is like instant anger, now here is this point that comes up of wanting to defend myself, like “why do you have to yell at me about this, its pointless and does not matter”, but then I have been realizing that this is just a character/personality running, and that I have been taking this personally. I am allowing my character/personality to react to them in defensiveness. So that is one aspect of it where feeling like their anger is misplaced, which really it is, but I am choosing to make it a personal issue rather than being about to look past it and understand how this other being is coming from a place of not seeing/looking at themselves so much, and the different events happening within P’s life currently, etc.

Something interesting that I have noticed when interacting with the particular being is that the way the I view P is very ambivalent, where there are times when I really enjoy working with P and other times when I dread it. So a few things that I can see on the surface for the why this is, is that she represents many points within me that are still points that I have not stood one and equal to within myself. Stuff like; directness, narcissism, selfishness, racism, working hard, people not taking care of themselves physically, lying/bending the truth, altruism, hypocrisy, and probably a bunch of other stuff that I cannot really identify in this moment.

So needless to say that this is really opening up some more avenues within myself for self introspection and investigation. So working within the principle of keeping things simple I will investigate why I become defensive when faced with criticism about my cooking from P, and then move forward from there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defensive about my cooking ability when criticized from my co-worker.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this situation as one where one is the winner and one is the loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself buy into the energetic stance of the positive position of winner, and the negative position of loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to based the emotional reaction of these positions on a feeling/emotion within me where I am only ever looking for that positive feeling. The “I’m a winner” feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reaction of defensiveness is actually a point of trying to prevent slipping from the positive experience into the negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have defined myself and my positive experiences by this point of “knowing what I am doing” or “knowing what I am talking about” and in this case this applies to my ability to cook.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by and reacting to the prospect that someone else is telling me that that ability is not sufficient.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to really defined myself by and within my ability to cook well, where this is something that I have been doing and applying myself within for sometime now along with skateboarding and billiards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever really carry my sense of self worth within and as my ability to do the things that I defined myself as being proficient in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really realize and/or admit to the point that I have never really fully accepted myself as being a particularly good cook, and within this when faced with a criticism this is a somewhat self confirmation of this self judgment, and not realizing that the judgment is actually arising from a comparison with others within a culinary hierarchy belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how my co-worker in this case is actually a mirror for, and bringing this lack of self acceptance to the surface and proving the self sabotaging nature of the belief that I hold about myself. Which is that I need to become a better chef/cook to compete or stay ahead of others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to myself that I the experience of losing my zeal, flare, passion, etc, for cooking is really the accumulation of many experience within the cooking industry/job that have imprinted “bad” memories in which I associate with cooking.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/understand that the action of cooking really has nothing to do with this experience of “being over it” what I really am “over” is these emotional reactions that come from the stress of the jobs that I have had and the build up of memories of stress and time lines.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that this is really a point of being to good for the people that I work with, and the people that I cook for as well, where I am over the cooking, standing above and apart from it and believing that I am meant for bigger and more important things and thus standing mighty within this self infatuated narcissism, and leaving all the others that I work with and interact with below me to meddle with the puny cooking.

Interesting…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the ability that I have to stop and just enjoy myself withing each moment and breathe and to not realize that cooking does not just have to be about feeding others but can actually be a form of self expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how the initial point of me getting into cooking was about finding a way to influence others, and not seeing how this was really about looking for recognition and acceptance from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really get into cooking because it was something that I enjoyed initially but instead was a point where I could possibly see myself becoming someone important, at least in my youth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bury the feeling of disappointment with the industry and not really admitting to this as my reaction to the internal failure to gain recognition.

So really the point that has become apparent here is that the reactions to the criticism really has nothing to do with my co-worker as much as I want to blame and get on her case. In reality it boils down to my own insecurities within my abilities as a cook and the mentality that I have imposes on myself within the starting point of motivation for becoming a cook/chef.

Alright I will stop here for now and pick it up again next time.

213. Defensiveness at work.

So here I am going to open up a point that has come up through an experience that I have been having at work with one of my coworkers.

So the issue is coming up where my coworker has recently become the manager position there. This particular being has a tendency to become very stressed out, demanding, and critical of/about my work. The point of defensiveness keeps coming up.

I have been cooking for a while now (15 year), yet in my workplace experiences I have not really every been in a position where I need to learn or put into practice learning of many specific dishes and the names of them. My focus in cooking has always leaned towards technique and the science behind cooking so I know a bit more in that area.

So one of the points that comes up is where my coworker will ask me about a particular dish that I am not familiar with and when I am unable to tell here specifically what that dish entails the being will shame me for it and try to make me feel like an inferior cook. This is one scenario with this particular person. But throughout the entire experiences that come up with the being I notice my reactions have been quite immediate. I become defensive within myself quickly and before I then catch myself.

I would like to explore the particular immediate, automatic reactions that come up.

Something was cleared up for me within my latest chat with my buddy today where I was talking about how there is this tendency for the other being to become really stressed out and angry towards me, controlling of the situation and argumentative, and at other times extremely kind and gentle, almost like a light switch. Basically what was made apparent was, within this experience, I am facing the many personalities and characters of the other being. Lately this I have understood to be understandable because of a death within the beings immediate family.

And although I have understood the situation I still hold judgment towards the being and react defensively internally when faced with a torrent of anger towards me.

So in the next post I will move through the definitions and the root within the internal movements I am having in response to this.

212. Effort systems self correction continues.

When and as I see myself not pushing through the resistance within sitting down, writing, and putting forth effort within my process, I stop myself and breathe and see how the act of writing, taking myself on, and investigating myself is really an opportunity to take charge of my life and that giving into the resistance is only feeding and strengthening the systems of resistance and conditioning.

I commit myself to choose to be the directive principle within my world and to understand that the only way to build self-trust and self honesty is to push through the initial pre-programmed resistance that has led me to this place.

I commit myself to seize the opportunity that I am able to gift myself through and within this process since it is the only real practical way that I will be able to be sure that I am trustworthy to myself.

I commit myself to see how everything else that I have done within my life has not worked and that looking at the process that I have walked so far within my Desteni process back to life has been the only thing that has changed me, giving me the tools to really take back control from my mind where all sorts of shorter forms of instant gratification and suppression has failed to do so, realizing that if this is working then why run from it. And that running from it is really the revenge of my ego where I am running from my true self, abusing my chance instead of using my chance.

When and as I see myself using things other than my own realization as myself as one and equal to life as the motivation behind the movement of myself within my process I stop myself and breathe, seeing how then use of anything or anyone other than my own understanding of the principle of oneness and equality with ALL life is really a form of self-abuse through suppression.

I commit myself to realize how I must be able to fully honor myself here as the physical to really form a self honest motivation of why I am doing this.

I commit myself to see how this boils down to the fundamental point of breathing and remembering to see how the obvious point within self honesty of self-expression and hereness is if I am aware within breathe.

I commit myself to see how taking on a principle that I can see is best for all that I have learned from another is not forsaking my self but is actually a point of integrating a real understanding of my potential.

I commit myself to stop taking things that I have not learnt or deciphered for myself as something that is threatening because I have formed some belief that I must figure things out the hard way on my own for something to have weight and be valid to me.

I commit myself to learn and use the skill of critical discernment so I can see where the clash knowledge and information with actually relevant principles get mashed up within me, and I allow myself to form relationships with things and people who I WANT to believe rather than learning how to sift through things within myself and always make the choice that is best for all.

When and as I see myself not allowing myself to breathe through fearful moments that I have created and then placed myself in I stop myself and breathe, I see how these moments of fear are moments that I have accepted to exist within me to make excuses with myself why I cannot move forward.

I commit myself to push through the fear, and see how this is the only way to face fear. To push through and realize that I am the one that is not taking responsibility for my acceptance of that fear, and realizing that the fear is my creation all along.

I commit myself to stop making excuses to why I cannot walk and why I cannot write forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop fearing change within myself because I BELIEVE that I do not know that change will be real, and when I do change the it will affect how my world is structured within the relationships that I have with others.

I commit myself to stop fearing how others will view me if I were to actually change.

I commit myself to stop the fear that changing will have on the stability of myself within myself relationships in accordance with my own survival based on money, were I see and give value to the others within my personal world bubble, and how this is built only on the fear based within survival. Which is really directly rooted within my relationship with money.

I commit myself to change the starting point of my relationship with money so that instead of it only being about supporting those within my personal world in/as money, I change that to that which will support all as one as equal in what is best for all, effectively purifying myself in the relationship that I have towards money and survival.

When and as I see myself only accepting and allowing myself to live within fear of what may happen if I do succeed, I stop myself and breathe, seeing how I am actually in essence already one and equal with life, yet have programmed myself to have always been accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal within the separation and fear within my life. Where I have formed this belief that I am broken beyond repair, and so effectively cutting down my own ability to walk myself free through change, in and as any real practical point of self movement and motivation that is based within self honesty and trust of myself.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to buy into the idea of myself as a being that is separate from life, and realizing that this is something that require an active choice and maintainance to uphold which is actually a point of self-abuse where I feed this belief through the pillage of myself as substance.

I commit myself to stop the pillage of myself as life as the perfection of myself as the physical human body and honor myself here within breathe, walking myself through the process of bringing myself back from the dead of the mind, seeing how through this participation in and as the mind consciousness system I have accepted and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am actually a robot zombie.

I commit myself to break down this belief through my own personal journey back to life one point at a time through the utilization of the tools that I have been able to learn and am capable of applying, seeing how this is only a SMALL amount of effort that is actually required. And seeing how upholding the beliefs and cons of separation is actually a system that requires constant feeding off of my self as source which in self honesty requires MORE effort to uphold as the lie that I keep feeding myself.

I commit myself to see how in the long run through this journey back to life the initial point of facing myself and pushing through the resistance is really the most difficult as I have already seen for myself to be true through the progress I have made within my world already.

When and as I see myself placing my mind in a superior placement/position to my physical human body and making myself a slave to the fears of changing and subjecting myself to the exploitation of myself as substance, I stop myself and breathe and see how I have accepted those fears to justify the self-abuse of myself as physicality through harvest of those substances to feed and uphold those fear systems within my mind.

I commit myself to stop the abuse of myself through the suppression of mind systems and to actually see and address all of the points of fear within me through my personal journey back to life.

I commit myself to see how the suppression still exist within my points of desire, and that even within the current standing of myself many of the points that I current and facing are only being addressed through systems of suppression and that look self honesty they still exist as friction and as points of self-doubt.

I commit myself to see how the will only really be address is through self movement where I take on those points one at a time in detail and specificity.

I commit myself to the effort and will that is required to push myself through the initial resistance to face those points, and through the fears that exist about who I could possibly without those points of self sabotage and self-abuse definitions within me.

I commit myself to stop the fear of letting go of the mind, and realizing that if I want to exist here as life equal and one I have to give my fear, I have to give up the disillusionment that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am and have been for my entire life here in this lifetime.

I commit myself to stop believing and a living within the narrow spectrum of myself as memories where I only define myself within those limited points of self view and self-definition.

I commit myself to actually see and take on the fear of who I really am and who I really could be if I were to actually let go, and actually move past myself as suppression into a real self-expression.

I commit myself to move myself within effort and find out what I really am as self-expression through living a life of principle and aligning myself in and as equality and oneness through my journey back to life.

211. Correcting my relationship as my negative stance towards work/effort. Pt 1.

Ok a short post to get back on track.

When and as I see myself fearing becoming my parents I stop myself and breathe, and realize that I am made from my parents and that will not change physically.

I commit myself to see how I do not have to define myself as a person through what my parents have wanted me to do in the past, that I must live my life for me and that trying to please anyone really is living a self dishonesty.

I commit myself to live within principles of equality and oneness because I myself can see the value within a world in which we can all treat each other as we would like to be treated, and which I realize only makes common sense.

When and as I see myself sliding back into a relationship with my parents where I notice there is points in which I do not want to stand because I fear upsetting them or making them angry, I stop and breathe, and I understand that while I do not wish to cause unnecessary conflict I do not wish to miss opportunities to share because I fear a projection.

I commit myself to push through the fear that my parents will never change and that they will not be open to hearing anything that I have to say, and instead removing that dependence point of wanting them to change in the first place.

I commit myself to remember that this is always about where I am and where I am choosing to place myself as within any particular moment, here, or in the mind.

When and as I see myself living out the repercussions of how I was conditioned, and how I allowed myself to become conditioned as a child through reacting negatively towards work and anything that has to do with work and effort, I stop myself and breathe and realize that these systems are actually things in which I am accepting and allowing myself to be defined by and within that they actually do not have to hold so much weight within my day.

I commit myself to stop feeling obligated to define myself within how my parents would like me to be and figure out how I see that I can change my world that best adds value in such a way that benefits all.

I commit myself to stop believing that to win my parents over I have to live myself through a particular set of definition, and conditions that were laid out when I was in my youth, and see that in this I and forming a conflict of friction in my reaction to how I view work and a formation of my definition of myself as trying to please and win them over in which I view myself as failing so a friction is form.

I commit myself instead to walk as myself breathing through the situations that I find difficult and to just stop the reactions that come up where I view myself  as failing on a particular point of self motivation.

I commit myself to be to realize that these points are given weight precisely because I have programmed myself as a child to not like or have patience for work and that I will never enjoy it so from there never really giving myself ac chance to change.

I commit myself to realize how these self definitions are only happening as systems of belief and as such I have the ability to walk through them, and while it may seem extremely difficult, the most difficult aspect of this relationship is moving myself past and pushing through that very belief that it is difficult.

I commit myself to understand that this is only actually a acceptance and allowance, and that I have the power to change that, that this system that FEELS so natural and normal only feels like that because it has been around for so long and I have not every tried anything else.

When and as I see myself as inferior to and subordinate of my own belief system about how I do not enjoy work of effort involving anything that I have deemed that I do not enjoy like writing, I stop myself and breathe.

I commit myself to bring myself back into alignment with breathe and remind myself that I am here and to then walk from this point in clarity realizing that to really develop self trust and self honesty the starting point must be one of clarity and not a position of friction and inner suppressions.

I commit myself to continuously push through the friction and suppression, where I can stand in breathe here and from there continue walking as myself back to life.

I will continue in the morning.