203. Initially getting going.

Picking up,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push my way through the resistance that is prominent within my process of writing where I do not want to initially sit and get the writing done because of a emotional response.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is the outflow of a energetic relationship with the systems that are active within me, in which I have specifically preprogrammed myself as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who does not want to work hard on myself, and want everything to be easy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how I have really become afraid and resistant to this process because of a reluctance to put in effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the negative aspect of fear in and as the work effort where when I see something that require effort in my world I run away from it or avoid it at all cost for as long as I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the negative aspect of boredom onto and in the word effort where I find the point of writing initially to be something that I do not want to do because I see there are all different things around me that I would rather do that will stimulate me energetically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into distraction because of this predisposition in and towards the word effort and anything that involves effort, where I find myself not wanting to do it, or wanting to actively avoid doing it just because it does not stimulate me in energetically positive way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the point of not wanting to do something will always SEEM more alluring because its the easy way out, where I follow the things that make me feel good rather then the things that I realize will benefit me in figuring myself out and taking on my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how the points in which I fail and judge myself negatively because I have not live up to something that I have place as a point of positive self graduation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the points of writing has become a point of accomplishment and use a positive reinforcement within myself to “convince” myself to write, and in this I place myself in a position of setting myself up to fail because I have associated the act of writing and putting in effort as something that is “good” and I am a “good” person when I am doing it, and then when I do not write I am “bad”, so there is this constant flippity flop of how I am viewing myself within my world based on if I am writing or not.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live within the point where writing is and becomes a point of self expression rather then work/effort/a task that must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the resistances that are experienced are a result of not following through with my previous commitments where the decision has not been clear in the initial principle as to why I am doing this.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see or understand that the actions that I am doing will always follow where I am within the decisions. Meaning when I am not writing because of all these resistances and such is because I have not come to a definitive decision within myself on what and why I am doing this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be clear within why I am walking this process to myself and realizing that the effort that is required is actually very little when all the negative reactions to facing myself and walking are removed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself within writing where I see allowing myself to support me as a real expression of me without the need to go into and become subject to emotions and reactions in a towards the effort that is required to be place in walking myself out of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to essentially form a fear about going into and looking at myself because I am scared of making a mistake within my process where I really irrationally stop myself from making mistakes by avoiding the process all together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to participate with myself because of the fear of looking like a fool towards others where essentially I do not want to look stupid or want to only appear as smart or perfect so I only participate when I have something smart or perfect to contribute rather. Within this I actually am slowing down my process because I am not able to effectively learn in the areas that I am not understanding completely because I have not overcome admitting that I don’t know something.

Ok I will continue with some self corrective statements in the next post before moving onto the next point within this stream.

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