206. A look at how I became fearful of completion.

Hmm so looking back on how this might have started. Something that comes up is how as a child I always would want to play. Which is understandable. i noticed that after a certain point I did not want to change as my world changed around me. I was getting older and as I did society was telling me that I needed to adapt, I needed to grow up.

Predictably I did not want to and I can now see why. Why would I want to trade in a life that is relatively carefree, and fun for one that is filled with “work” and “boredom”. I was told that from a early age that I was going to have to work to survive in this world. I was forced as a child to sit, study, and learn about abstract ideas. I did not see at the time the value in it, where as I could see the value in having fun. It made me feel good. Now not to say that I did not enjoy learning, I did. I was and still am quite good at bringing in new information and solving puzzles/problems, and seeing the answers within things, the problem it seems is when I was FORCED to do it. Primarily by my mother I was early on force to come in from playing to do work, to stop the fun and sit and make sure that I did not become homeless, I was told that if I did not do homework, become educated that I would become a bum. Essentially I was scared into doing work and from this form a resentment towards working now. I can see how from this point I did not see the point because as I grew older I realized that point of my mother/father/step-parents trying to get me to do work through fear. So I rebelled from it, getting more and more resistant as I grew older. In a gradual way where I did not actually ever apply myself in school to what I was capable of.

In the beginning as a elementary student I did well mainly because I wanted to please my Mother and to gain acceptance from my father. I wanted to be a “good boy”.
And I saw that when I did not do what I was told then I was a “bad boy”. So the self judgement started early on even though I did not understand it at the time.

There are many aspect to the story of my youth that extend from this point as I can see yet I am going to do my best to stick to this particular point within it.

So yes as I moved throughout my schooling I see that much of the same mentality of the good/bad boy dichotomy was represented within society, and I reacted to it with disdain. I did not want to be forced to do any of it, except the things that I actually enjoyed. But the things that I did not enjoy I would actively, purposely, and almost spitefully sabotage myself within. just before high school my parents divorced and this is actually a point where I noticed that my willingness to participate drastically was even more so reduced.

I only participated with things that I found to be fun in school and put effort into those things. Those other things I noticed were then usually associated within how I would appear to my parents. Getting good grades to satisfy or calm them, but I notice due to particular reasons that I would somewhat antagonize my mother because she was the one that was actually pushing me to do these things with a iron fist like approach, yet looking to gain my fathers respect because I see not that I was not getting the kind of attention that I was seeking. I would gain the occasional angry outburst when I was caught not fulfilling my responsibilities correctly or on time but mainly being ignored of any constructive help or criticism, or he would do my projects for me, in which I learned that I could escape the work by passing it off in ignorance. After a while this became the normal way of things for me and I just settled into these patterns. And when I discovered skateboarding through one of my only and best friend of that era of my life, things got even more extreme with not wanting to work at academics. All I would do is skate. Skate to escape the work and escape the feeling of abandonment and betrayal that I blamed my parents for.

Ok I will do some self forgiveness on this point and explore it some more tomorrow.

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