207. Self forgiveness on 206, a look into effort and work.

So here is some initial self forgiveness on the points from the last post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to initially feel that reluctance to let go of my childhood.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move into a different portion of my life with ease and grace.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that at that time what the world that I was growing up in was consisted as and that this is really not the type of world that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of find a way to place myself in finding out what this world was really about and consist of at the time I instead resisted and only wanted to participate in things that gave me a energetic high of fun.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly feel guilty for not wanting to let go of only wanting to have fun.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see or realize that the kind of fun I was addicted to in my youth was actually about avoidance, where I was avoiding my parents mainly, and in which work, and effort where actually by-products of that avoidance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop the self judgement where I was either a “good” boy, or “bad boy” based within how I conducting myself within my studies/work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this scale to be always be the prime motivating factor in the beginning where I was attempting to force myself to be the good child but finding that the more that I tried to be the good child the less that I wanted to do it and wanted to have fun instead but in doing so judged myself as being bad, creating and building up a large internal conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by and taken into myself another beings system of values about what is important and what is not, instead of taking the lead in my life and finding out for myself why the world was the way it was and what type of role I could play in it at that time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead react to the good/bad duality character that was represented and modelled within society at large, were I would look at that with disdain, as a large representation of the scolding parent where I would attempt to avoid the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how within this whole picture I was actually avoiding myself, my own development and growth in any sort of practical manner, due to this one break of emotion response and value system that I created then.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever come to the understanding that this is actually nothing to see fault within myself or any other being as this was merely the product of the understanding of where the individuals where at in that point in history.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then instead place fun as the god of my world and follow that point without any further investigation of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this system of self judgement of being good or bad to become the fuel of resistance within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internally build up a point where I did not/do not believe that I will ever amount to much because I did not follow/fit into the good side of the dichotomy of the good/bad scale, so in this have never really seen myself as being a productive person, and have always instead only focused on those things that I consider fun.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see or realize the self judgment that goes into this position of only wanting to have fun where I have believed/believe that this makes me a “bad” person, and from this self judgement I look to escape from by only attempting to have more fun, in that cycle never really developing a understanding of the value of focusing myself on something that require effort and seeing the real purpose to work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then only develop a relationship of effort and work that was really only within the confines of fear of punishment or fear of not being accepted by my parents which extended to the teachers and authority figures within society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself because I was in pain emotionally because of my parents divorcing and did not know how or have access to the tools to deal with that at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then change the relationship that I held with work and effort from fear of acceptance to anger and spite at what I saw as my parents not really being be all to end all figures that I had previously seen them as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my parents as inferior, and place blame on them because of what I saw, and shrugging off and manipulating them as I grew older because I saw how this was actually easier then developing myself and doing the work myself, and would actually build up a tolerance for criticisms and being scolded through time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this to become the basis and fuel for the entire relationship that I hold to/as work and effort.

Ok I will pick it up from here in the next post.

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