208. Morphing fear of effort and work into fear of completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change through time to seeing and picking up on the faults of my parents and seeing how much of the venerations that I experienced towards them as a young child were false, and from there developed this belief that it was ok to just become angry at others when this where not how you wanted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this became a anger and frustration with the entire world around me, and from there I choose to stand still in this “funland” of sorts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the “funland” represented a unwillingness to move on, or complete a stage of my life.

I forgive myself to not see how even to this day this is a prime reason for where I stand, I view myself as not having grown up yet, where I still want to do things like I did as a teenager. Skating all day and all night in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this all morphed into and fear of completion where as throughout my life there has been this common denominator to not finish anything, school, jobs, relationships, even paying bills, I do not want to carry through with things in every area it is a push with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame this on my father who I saw through out my youth as the basis for my understanding of not following through, since I would see him start projects and neglect to finish them, or hear stories about his meanderings as a father from when I was a toddler and before I was born.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this information to form the basis for my own copy paste relationship with completing things and not actually taking the responsibility or having the common sense to see how I was acting out the very thing that I was angry about/towards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to discover myself in my youth because I was to busy looking to fill this perceived “hole” of self pity, with fun times of energetic highs that I did not take the drivers seat within my own life and just let things pass me by continuously to present day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place judgement towards my parents as being the ones who should have done this or done that, and focusing all my effort and time on things that should have been done instead of understanding that they did what the did within the confines of the tools available to them in the times, I have different tools available to me and can actually choose to live different from what I have preprogrammed myself as.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how this proposes a opportunity to become a example for my parents in which I am able to support and assist them in through actually being the directive principle within my world for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make me the real driving force behind my life instead of the motivation for things that I do to always be fuel by avoidance and fear of moving forward underneath it all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself in these moments of fear to breathe through them in and as the gift of self trust that I will be able to continue forward within my process, within my walk back to life and out of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only stand in fear of failure because I am actually fearing moving on, fearing completing myself, all the while not realizing that I have been, and am already complete, and that I have convinced myself that I am broken and built up a belief systems of ego and personality all based within that system of perceived brokenness, and am actually trying to improve on something that actually requires no improvement, the physical existence as my human physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my physical human body in a inferior position to my mind and made it a slave to my fears through the exploitation of the substance of which I am made of, by harvesting those substances to feed the energetic systems that run within me, and such also abused my body through physically detrimental activities, drugs, and masturbation to halt myself into standing still for my entire adult life, fearing to ever move on or complete myself as a real expression of me and instead just remain trapped in a disillusion of fear and memories.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that life is a continuous self movement in which being here within breathe is the unchanging guideline in which to base my stability within and not as I have believed to be the emotional experiences that I have placed over and in the experiences of my life so far.

Alright I will show how I can change this system into one of self support in the next post through self corrective statements.

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