Ok a short post to get back on track.
When and as I see myself fearing becoming my parents I stop myself and breathe, and realize that I am made from my parents and that will not change physically.
I commit myself to see how I do not have to define myself as a person through what my parents have wanted me to do in the past, that I must live my life for me and that trying to please anyone really is living a self dishonesty.
I commit myself to live within principles of equality and oneness because I myself can see the value within a world in which we can all treat each other as we would like to be treated, and which I realize only makes common sense.
When and as I see myself sliding back into a relationship with my parents where I notice there is points in which I do not want to stand because I fear upsetting them or making them angry, I stop and breathe, and I understand that while I do not wish to cause unnecessary conflict I do not wish to miss opportunities to share because I fear a projection.
I commit myself to push through the fear that my parents will never change and that they will not be open to hearing anything that I have to say, and instead removing that dependence point of wanting them to change in the first place.
I commit myself to remember that this is always about where I am and where I am choosing to place myself as within any particular moment, here, or in the mind.
When and as I see myself living out the repercussions of how I was conditioned, and how I allowed myself to become conditioned as a child through reacting negatively towards work and anything that has to do with work and effort, I stop myself and breathe and realize that these systems are actually things in which I am accepting and allowing myself to be defined by and within that they actually do not have to hold so much weight within my day.
I commit myself to stop feeling obligated to define myself within how my parents would like me to be and figure out how I see that I can change my world that best adds value in such a way that benefits all.
I commit myself to stop believing that to win my parents over I have to live myself through a particular set of definition, and conditions that were laid out when I was in my youth, and see that in this I and forming a conflict of friction in my reaction to how I view work and a formation of my definition of myself as trying to please and win them over in which I view myself as failing so a friction is form.
I commit myself instead to walk as myself breathing through the situations that I find difficult and to just stop the reactions that come up where I view myself as failing on a particular point of self motivation.
I commit myself to be to realize that these points are given weight precisely because I have programmed myself as a child to not like or have patience for work and that I will never enjoy it so from there never really giving myself ac chance to change.
I commit myself to realize how these self definitions are only happening as systems of belief and as such I have the ability to walk through them, and while it may seem extremely difficult, the most difficult aspect of this relationship is moving myself past and pushing through that very belief that it is difficult.
I commit myself to understand that this is only actually a acceptance and allowance, and that I have the power to change that, that this system that FEELS so natural and normal only feels like that because it has been around for so long and I have not every tried anything else.
When and as I see myself as inferior to and subordinate of my own belief system about how I do not enjoy work of effort involving anything that I have deemed that I do not enjoy like writing, I stop myself and breathe.
I commit myself to bring myself back into alignment with breathe and remind myself that I am here and to then walk from this point in clarity realizing that to really develop self trust and self honesty the starting point must be one of clarity and not a position of friction and inner suppressions.
I commit myself to continuously push through the friction and suppression, where I can stand in breathe here and from there continue walking as myself back to life.
I will continue in the morning.