So I was looking into why perhaps I was having these initial reactions towards my coworker, and I realized a few things. It is part of a much larger system. Something that has struck me with the one particular aspect within this is my coworker has this saying that they like to put out there from time to time about how they “hate stupidity”, “have no patience for idiots”. I can see how within myself the reaction to this is always this “me to” experience. Not necessarily exactly thinking it but I realized that there is this resident underlying definition within myself towards stupidity. I then realized that I judge this being as being stupid and judgmental. Very plain to see how the mirror is pointed back in on myself.
Recently I have been watching quite a few documentaries, science videos, space videos, and yesterday I was looking for a mooc that might benefit me within something that I would like to pursue. I see how there is still this point of trying to find out what I want to do, like I see how within me I do not want to continue cooking forever. That is one thing to look at. I have been questioning the practicality of being a cook/chef, it can take quite a while to reach a point of seniority within the industry and once there the pay is not very good, and the hours long and intensive. So after 15 years I am looking for something else it seems.
So what does this have to do with my co-worker? This is the whole point where what I am experiencing within the reactions to her words is how there is this resident fear within myself that I am stupid/not good enough/never going to get out. A crash within myself where I start to judge myself and then judge my co-worker for it.
Obviously this is not the only reason for the reactions but it is one that noticed particularly last night where I had a mini sort of freak out about what I am going to do with myself in the long run. This is larger system that I am talking about, but I will stick with the immediate point and go into the larger point more in another post.
So yes this experience with my co-worker highlights a few things about myself and why/where I am reacting. Like often what will happen is where the situation arises where I will be asked about something arbitrary and when I answer the reaction from my co-worker (lets just call them P for short) is like instant anger, now here is this point that comes up of wanting to defend myself, like “why do you have to yell at me about this, its pointless and does not matter”, but then I have been realizing that this is just a character/personality running, and that I have been taking this personally. I am allowing my character/personality to react to them in defensiveness. So that is one aspect of it where feeling like their anger is misplaced, which really it is, but I am choosing to make it a personal issue rather than being about to look past it and understand how this other being is coming from a place of not seeing/looking at themselves so much, and the different events happening within P’s life currently, etc.
Something interesting that I have noticed when interacting with the particular being is that the way the I view P is very ambivalent, where there are times when I really enjoy working with P and other times when I dread it. So a few things that I can see on the surface for the why this is, is that she represents many points within me that are still points that I have not stood one and equal to within myself. Stuff like; directness, narcissism, selfishness, racism, working hard, people not taking care of themselves physically, lying/bending the truth, altruism, hypocrisy, and probably a bunch of other stuff that I cannot really identify in this moment.
So needless to say that this is really opening up some more avenues within myself for self introspection and investigation. So working within the principle of keeping things simple I will investigate why I become defensive when faced with criticism about my cooking from P, and then move forward from there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defensive about my cooking ability when criticized from my co-worker.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this situation as one where one is the winner and one is the loser.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself buy into the energetic stance of the positive position of winner, and the negative position of loser.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to based the emotional reaction of these positions on a feeling/emotion within me where I am only ever looking for that positive feeling. The “I’m a winner” feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reaction of defensiveness is actually a point of trying to prevent slipping from the positive experience into the negative experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have defined myself and my positive experiences by this point of “knowing what I am doing” or “knowing what I am talking about” and in this case this applies to my ability to cook.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by and reacting to the prospect that someone else is telling me that that ability is not sufficient.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to really defined myself by and within my ability to cook well, where this is something that I have been doing and applying myself within for sometime now along with skateboarding and billiards.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever really carry my sense of self worth within and as my ability to do the things that I defined myself as being proficient in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really realize and/or admit to the point that I have never really fully accepted myself as being a particularly good cook, and within this when faced with a criticism this is a somewhat self confirmation of this self judgment, and not realizing that the judgment is actually arising from a comparison with others within a culinary hierarchy belief.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how my co-worker in this case is actually a mirror for, and bringing this lack of self acceptance to the surface and proving the self sabotaging nature of the belief that I hold about myself. Which is that I need to become a better chef/cook to compete or stay ahead of others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to myself that I the experience of losing my zeal, flare, passion, etc, for cooking is really the accumulation of many experience within the cooking industry/job that have imprinted “bad” memories in which I associate with cooking.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/understand that the action of cooking really has nothing to do with this experience of “being over it” what I really am “over” is these emotional reactions that come from the stress of the jobs that I have had and the build up of memories of stress and time lines.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that this is really a point of being to good for the people that I work with, and the people that I cook for as well, where I am over the cooking, standing above and apart from it and believing that I am meant for bigger and more important things and thus standing mighty within this self infatuated narcissism, and leaving all the others that I work with and interact with below me to meddle with the puny cooking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the ability that I have to stop and just enjoy myself withing each moment and breathe and to not realize that cooking does not just have to be about feeding others but can actually be a form of self expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how the initial point of me getting into cooking was about finding a way to influence others, and not seeing how this was really about looking for recognition and acceptance from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really get into cooking because it was something that I enjoyed initially but instead was a point where I could possibly see myself becoming someone important, at least in my youth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bury the feeling of disappointment with the industry and not really admitting to this as my reaction to the internal failure to gain recognition.
So really the point that has become apparent here is that the reactions to the criticism really has nothing to do with my co-worker as much as I want to blame and get on her case. In reality it boils down to my own insecurities within my abilities as a cook and the mentality that I have imposes on myself within the starting point of motivation for becoming a cook/chef.
Alright I will stop here for now and pick it up again next time.