So looking at a broader perspective what does this situation also represent within me? Well earlier I was mentioning that I have been interested in trying something else out in terms of work. One of the main reasons is really because I have this point of wanting to be in a workplace where I will be learning higher end cooking. I have become bored with this job on a level. This is not the first time this has happened, actually many other jobs that I have worked I have lost interest when I realized that I would not have the opportunity to learn something new and dynamic within the culinary arts, where what has happened is that I have judged myself as being more skillful then the person that is set to manage or run the kitchen. So what is happening mainly is that I am having this preset desire to learn something particular and project this desire onto the jobs that I will be working and from there continuously become disappointed with the job.
Actually this job has been the least disappointing mainly just because of the process that I am walking, but I am still noticing a yearning to move on to something else. The point comes up mainly when faced with these particular encounters with my manager, where I do not want to deal with that sort of thing anymore.
I notice that not only do I desire to move onto another job I do not want to continue within the cooking industry. At least not when it is not on my own terms, I am really separating the cooking mentality within myself where working as a cook and cooking for the point of creating something are not one and the same.
I have made cooking as a job something to be totally awful, and have noticed that I do not enjoy cooking on the whole as much as I used to because of it. Yet as I explored in the last few posts, even the starting point of me getting into the culinary arts and pursuing a career in cooking was initially unclear and self interested within the platform of altruism.
And it is funny here now that working as cook within a homeless shelter is probably the closest that I have ever really come to that initial intent, and I am still unsatisfied. It goes to show that the participation within the mind never really leads to self satisfaction and fulfillment.
So something to see within these recent experiences with my manager is that despite what the other being is really doing on their part there is still the aspect of not really seeing what is really taking place within me in those situations where I have this yearning for it to be all over (work wise I am speaking from) not wanting to participate within it. This is really just a unwillingness to see who I am and what I have accepted and allowed as myself within the workplace. It is not like I cannot do the job effectively I just allow these yearnings, feelings, depressions, etc, to rule over me and hold power over the way that I am choosing to express myself within the workplace. I notice that I have grown and become more expressive yet there recently this is something that I am noticing within myself, that there is this wall that I am not willing to cross, because “I am going to leave anyway so what is the point in giving my all”.So I do not participate fully, I just hunker down and do the minimum in most cases. I treat most of the people there as temporary in which I only have to deal with instead of viewing this as a opportunity to open myself up, place myself out in the world and expand how I am able to stand effectively. Some days are easier then others and I can see how this is really attributed to my own set of feelings, emotions, and preconceptions about people, how willing I am to interact. So instead of basing my expression on something stable like breathe I have really just broken it down to how I can easiest get through the day without rocking the boat so to speak, staying in that neutral space, and not seeing how that neutrality really is not hereness, but rather just a place on the polarity spectrum.
Ok, I will explore this point through self forgiveness and correct the point in the next post.