So I am going to come back to my relationship with work later. Right now I would like to write about a aspect of how I self suppress, which I suppose has relevance to my work relationship as well.
I notice that in my day to day world there is a lot of things that I really am genuinely interested in. Not necessarily for any other reason that I can see other than curiosity. I like to understand how things function. I mean who would not like to understand how things function, but getting there seems to be the problem for me. What appears to be the case for me is that I have spread out the task among to large an area. I DESIRE to know about everything and in this created this despair at never really taking something on within the necessary requirements to actually understand anything with any real proficiency. I have set it up so I never really get off the ground floor with any particular area. And within this despair there is a experience of suppression. I suppress myself because I there is no one area that I see myself as being totally committed to and within. This suppression manifests as things like my addictions and this pervasive, “I can’t do it” attitude to life in general, and “I might as well give up and not try”, giving up and giving in before I even start.
So the solution here which is/has been made apparent is to go back to the basics. Focus myself on being here, breathing. Remembering that this is the fundamental, and foundational point in which I can launch myself from within anything that I choose to do now or at anytime in the future. I should be able to stop the projections of what I want to see myself as being within the future and instead be able to apply myself within a consistent and integrated fashion within what is available to me within my world presently. Which is a lot. I have just CHOOSEN to instead project myself into a reality in the future where things would be so much better because I understand this, or can express myself that way, but never really confronting the steps that would need to be addressed and walked to get there.
So within that,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel despair at the idea that I will never be a person of any real value.
I forgive myself to feel this way because I have not actually accepted myself within who I am and what I am capable of doing/taking on within my reality in this moment.
I forgive myself to forget that the real point of walking this reality starts with the ability of myself to be here within this moment of breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give all of my attentive abilities to that which I want myself to be within some future vision of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this desire/want as just a projection of my mind in which I then totally judge myself within this moment as being unworthy because I am not that vision already.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself the time and effort that is require to actually walk the steps that would open up new ways of expressing myself and understanding where I am and where I am most effective within my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is the missing link within how I view myself and how I am best suited to proceed within my day to day living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this missing link in all my observations of myself thus creating this despair point by just not being able to fully commit to anything because of this feedback loop within my mind of not being good enough to proceed vs the desire to be good/proficient at something with a level of mastery.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself realize that mastery of anything comes with time and PRACTICAL APPLICATION of self and the practice of particular skills that are placed in step by step procedure which at this moment requires the steps of self awareness and self correction from reactive behavior and addictive nature to one of awareness and directive ability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that the basic point to consider when facing off against my mind is that where I CHOOSE in each moment whether to breathe or weather to participate within my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.
When and as I see myself not fully accepting myself within who I am in this moment and giving into the experience of despair at not being who I see myself as within a complex desire and vision of myself at some point in the future I stop the projection of that vision and breathe and bring myself back here and instead choose to be here now.
I commit myself to realize that being here now is the only real way to proceed with any sustainable point of motivation with a subject or self exploritive or self embracing manner.
I commit myself to see how moving back to the basics of breathing and stopping my minds tendency to project is really the way to stop the experiences that are created within suppression of the real ability of myself to direct me in any given moment through the supplementation of momentary direction with the woe is me experience of I am not who I desire to be.
When and as I see myself as this projection of unworthiness based within this vision of myself sometime in the future I stop myself and breathe, remembering that this experience is really taking place within my mind as a reaction of self judgment.
I commit myself to move myself out of the point of self judgment.
I commit myself then realize that this vision of desire to be something/someone of value within this world really holds no value within my experience of myself here.
I commit myself to realize and implement the understanding that to progress within my world and how I move through-out my life is dependent on the things that I do and how I do them. I commit myself to stop judgment towards the amount of time that something will take or if there is significant effort involved since it is proven that walking within self honesty and self commitment initially will require some effort and time.
I commit myself to see that with time and effort there will be/has been significant change and that moving myself within a consistent manner will open up new avenues, and new understanding of myself and what I am capable of.
I commit myself to see how being here consistently as breathe is really the fundamental missing factor that I have to remember to implement within my daily living.
I commit myself to see that within this bringing myself back to the basics of breathe I will be about to accurately gauge and direct myself in the way that will be the most supportive and most effective for me to follow through with.
So when and as I see myself falling into this point of despair/fear about how I THINK that I will never find out what I am able to do, and therein never really follow through or participate fully with anything I stop myself and breathe, and realize this experience for what it is, a mind possession that I have cleverly designed for myself to not move and give justification to stay within all of my addictions and distractions.
I commit myself to see that mastering something will take a active commitment to that point to see if it actually something that I can become good within and something that will be a practical use of my time and focus within my life.
I commit myself when facing learning/testing out a particular point to realize that just because initially I am not a master at it right away that I cannot/will not improve and to realize that this is the way that one has to walk to get anywhere, where there are no gifts, only learned action.
I commit myself to walk through point of exploring potential new opportunities within a clear starting point, and weighing out the pros and cons of each thing, being practical with my choices and what will be most supportive for myself to place me in the position to contribute to a world best for all.
I commit myself to move myself within all my daily activities and choices to a place of awareness and directive action, instead of being a mere reaction to the environment and my own perceptions of how I should be within that environment.
I commit myself to stop participating in self sabotage through reaction to the thoughts, feelings, emotions that I have built up about myself and how I have been approaching my life thus far.
I commit myself to realize the to get anywhere in my life I MUST make a decisive effort-ed attempt at things instead of focusing only on the aspect of what I do not yet have which really is what I have only ever done.
I commit myself essentially to myself within each moment to pay attention to who I am here within this breathe and then the next.