220. Worryworting over work, and who I would like to become.

So here I am going to write about, kind of a continuation of the last post, kind of not.
I am applying myself better at my work, and have definitely changed my approach to how I conduct myself there. And now something else has come to the surface about my current situation/relationship towards work/money. I am noticing that where when I look at my current situation within my financial situation, I am just about treading water. I am not moving anywhere really where-as my current income vs my expenses are basically even, in fact I notice that I may be in the negative in terms of cash-flow as it seems. I have not done a current audit of my finances recently so I am not so sure, I am living paycheck to paycheck at this time though. So all of this has had this effect of anxiousness within me again. Like, worrying and beating myself up on how I am supposed to achieve my goals, how am I going to make progress within my world. Now obviously I can look at what I am able to do practically within my world to make a difference like taking a detailed account of what my expenses actually are. The main point it seems that has thrown me off is how I have been planning to go and work as a cook in the oil camps in northern Alberta to gain some financial stability. But just this week I have been hearing about the fall of the price of oil worldwide. With this I checked out what jobs are available in the camps currently and saw that there was none where as few weeks ago there was several. I immediately went into a anxiety about what I was going to do to support my goals as this was the way that I was going to be able to make enough money to get my life going so to speak, and I had missed my chance, was the main reaction which strung out into a whole bunch of other internal backchat and simulations. And while this could simply be because there is no jobs at this time, rather me actually missing my out on a change/opportunity.  Today I started looking at job ads and wondering if I should just look to work two jobs until I can at least support the cost of becoming a techno tutor distributor, which is one of the main goals that I would like to accomplish. So yes there is this present worry about how I am going to afford everything that I need to and fit in the added cost of a distributor license, since I am already stretched so thin. Also comes up the point of how much time I can devote to work if I am staying here close to home instead of working and staying in the camp. Two jobs would mean two schedules, two commutes, not necessarily much more money, and where as I have done this before, its not the ideal situation time wise. So it looks like I instead have to firstly stop the judgment point of how I feel everything has to happen right away, and secondly focus on the variables that I have actual control over like what I am doing within my daily life that are not supportive and changing those things. Like for instance keeping a more detailed record of my finances and tracking my personal consumption of things and how I spend money and in which ways. This is the act of looking at who I am in this moment and self honestly seeing how I can change the points of myself that are not supportive in becoming who I would can become as the potential that I have and am capable of within myself to be a part of bringing about a world best for all.

So here I will pick up more tomorrow on this subject.


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