236. Everything is comparison, a blast from the past.

So tonight I had some people over for dinner, another skateboarding couple. One of them is quite talented, sponsored, been in magazines, videos and such. At some point in the night the conversation delved into skateboarding and I started to talk about my experiences within skateboarding. Going to Trinidad and my attempts to push the skate scene in that country. I pulled up some of the videos that I was a had a part in making while I was there.

After they left I found myself pulling up and looking at some skate parts and videos and found myself comparing myself to those times. I haven’t skated for about 6 months now after a injury and making a decision to take it easy, and learn to pay respect to my physical human body more. Within the comparison I noticed quite a bit of anxiousness coming up within those memories from the past. Things like a desire to get back into skating again, to push myself back to that level of skating and beyond again. Like a deep seeded vision of myself still making a impact in that world where I want to DO something in the skate world. I realized in that moment that what was happening is that I was viewing my current situation within a point of loss. I still have not let skating go to the point of it being some kind of self definition in which I totally base my own sense of self view, and self worth within success or talent as a skateboarder. And within that I was looking back at who I used to be and what I was capable of within skating and then comparing with who I am now, seeing myself as something less because I have not been skating.

Now obviously skating itself does not need to be or have some kind of “holy” symbolism within my life or how I view the world, but I have made it so, through the acceptance of skating to hold some special value within my mind, mainly just because of the particular feelings and emotions that it generates for me. And this brings up the question of the validity of those feelings as real. Is the experiences that are generated within skateboarding real? No. Simple. Skateboarding has never been within my own life ever fully been a point of simply enjoying myself. Personally it has always been a point of comparing myself to others, and to myself at other points within my life. Always trying to be something more, catch up, or improve myself. This has invariably lead me to a particular path of actual physical self abuse. Pushing myself beyond the limits that I have prepared myself. And not actually taking into account any sort of caution in that pushing. Now I do not see anything wrong with looking to improve myself within something like skateboarding, but just like anything else, the starting point should be observed and considered. Any time I have face myself within a particular situation where I become physically injured or fatigued within skating it has come from a direct result of following and desiring a feelings response. A longing for myself to achieve something or to “get better”

So the common sense thing to look at here is if I am considering skateboarding, I should be able to break down the actual starting point for why I want to skate, looking at if I actually just want to enjoy myself physically here, and in that take all the precautionary measures to make sure things are done to the safest that I am capable to. Or to see if all I am after is that emotional gratification of generating a experience within the act. One will lead to self satisfaction that is something permanent and safe and the other has always proven to yield short term excitement and “highs” but I can see has always lead down a path of physical consequences.

So I need to become clear on that point first before jumping back into something like skateboarding were the consequence can be swift and unforgiving here in the physical.

I will write more about this point in the next post.

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235. Is Feeling Living. Sc.

When and as I see myself not living a preventative lifestyle for myself I stop myself and breathe, reassess the reality of the situation where I look at what is actually going on. If I am behaving within a feeling based living or a practical living.

I commit myself to live prevention in seeing the difference in where I am basing my experience off of feeling.

I commit myself to instead ask myself if what I am doing as a feeling based living could be changed to a practical, preventative living through the practice of awareness and how I would make everyday choices.

When and as I see myself wanting to make preventative choices for others within my world I stop myself and breathe, looking at what is behind this drive to help/prevention need within me in response to other beings.

I commit myself first to discover prevention within myself and stop attempting to live both lives of saying that prevention is the best cure to others and then living totally different and within feelings in my own life and the then getting upset when others do not change.

I commit myself to stop the expectation that I hold on other to recognize the things that I have said, stop the frustration where I see that things within others lives could be prevented with some application of moderation, and instead just focus on how I am living. Really looking at if this is a principle that I live by within my world, and realize that living prevention is the best way to provide an example for other beings.

When and as I see myself thinking that living a preventative life is the same as living neurotically, I stop myself and breathe and realize that living neurotically is a way of living from within a place of where fear is the main motivation.

I commit myself to stop living neurotically where fear is the real reason why I am attempting to live in such a way where I looking at magic cures, and then trying to pass on this magic to others convincing them that is the want to be healthy they should follow me

When and as I see myself taking on feelings of guilt because I believe myself to have fail another being because I have not actual stood up within myself in the moment and allowed myself to step back and realize what I can actually do in any given situation involving another being, I stop and breathe and stop taking other beings choices in life as a personal reflection of my own abilities and choices.

I commit myself to realize that I cannot influence everyone, and much less realize that my personal process should not actually be about influencing others but rather to realize myself within and as oneness and equality.

I commit myself to see how this is only a reflection that I am experiencing when I think and believe that another being should be walking the way that I see could benefit them from my own perspectives.

I commit myself to see how my personal opinions and conclusions may not actually have relevance to and be useful within another beings life, and that all I should and can be doing is to live my life in such a way that is best for me, while remembering the principles of equality and oneness, treating others as how I would like to be treated and from there stand as an actual self-expression for and as an example, while not for the other being, but rather for myself under the understanding that this is what is best for all and making that one of my life guidelines for life.

When and as I see myself defining myself and my world within sets of feelings, emotions, and the thoughts that come along with those, I stop myself and breathe, realizing and seeing how these feelings and thoughts are the only thing that I have ever really lived under and within and that I will only ever end up at the same sum of separation within my world and relationships with others.

I commit myself to stop using thoughts, feelings, emotions as the central guideline to how I live my life, and see how to change my world I will have to let go of this pattern of behavior and start living practically with what is here.

I commit myself to see how another being can be truly assisted and supported if the other being is looking for and asks for assistance and that providing support cannot be a point of personal opinion that has its starting point rooted in a feeling about how something is, rather than basing the support on physical facts.

When and as I see myself becoming lost within and as my own creation as a personal polarity scale movement, I stop myself and breathe, and see how this system of self entrapment has caused me to live from within such a limited experience where not only am I requiring others to give up their own self discovery and direction, I actually am using emotions and feelings in such a way the deplete my own self as the physical.

I commit myself to see how I am effectively cannibalizing my own human physical body in the participation within the mind, through thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I commit myself to realize the this reality that I create for myself within my own polarity scale is in fact not real, and is only being generated within myself at the expense of my physical body through the use of and generation of energy.

I commit myself to see how energy while seemingly real is in fact something that cannot be sustained on its own and actually requires fuel by the sacrifice of my own cells.

When and as I see myself only ever accepting the guilt that I create for myself within and as the mistakes that I have made in the past, I stop myself and breathe, and see how when I hold myself within a pattern of guilt I do not allow myself to act on, learn from, or even see any and all solutions to how I could change myself within future events/situations.

When and as I see myself making a excuses for why I did something or behave/reacted in a certain way and for the belief within myself that I must feel guilty without looking first at where I stood at the time, and seeing if I was even capable of acting differently, I stop myself and breathe and see how in behaving this way I close all doors to change and actually promote a reactionary behavior pattern where I am eternally trying to fix the situation and make up for the perceived wrongdoing.

I commit myself to release myself from the guilt of past mistakes and instead take a look at myself within the time that the initial split with myself and the other being took place. And instead of automatically going into a created pit of pity about something I did, to take it apart and look at how I could learn from the experience and change the dynamic of the problem to one where the outcome could potentially be changed to something that would be actually best for all.

I commit myself to stop hiding behind excuses of why I need to apparently fix this person/s because I did them wrong in the past and realize that all I am doing is creating a situation where I am consistently trying to catch up with my mistakes and get back to “even” with the other being.

And thus I commit myself to act within and according to what is practical within my life here in the physical, and stop living from within a reactionary stance and starting point to my approach to the people that I apparently am trying to help.

I commit myself to stop the patterns of trying to help people from the starting point of satisfying my own egoistic need to feel vindicated and useful within myself to one where I actually utilize the approach of common sense and practicality of what works physically.

I commit myself to educate myself on what actually is supportive of and for the human physical body so I when faced with a situation of question I can express myself from a place of practical research and not from a starting point of opinion and feelings about what I see someone should be living their life-like.

When and as I see myself ignoring the fact that my personal feelings and emotions have real world effects and consequences within and as other beings worlds and experiences I stop myself and breathe, seeing how whenever I see myself WANTING to impose my opinion on another that is based purely within a feeling I can see that this is something that is more for myself and satisfying me rather than actually assisting the other being.

I commit myself to stop sharing my opinions that are starting from a place of where I feel like the other being should live their life a certain way because this is what has worked for me.

I commit myself to remove the dependence that is generated from within this platform and see how in placing this onto others is actually causing me to miss out on what is actually happening, where by I only will see the things that I want to see and in turn only actually interact from a place of self interest, either by forcing my opinion onto another or looking to preserve my stance by not interacting at all.

I commit myself to stop the fear that is associated with having my opinions challenged and broken by another being, where I do not want to accept anything that I do not feel is correct and instead of seeing each beings life experiences/turmoils as a lessons, I only see them as obstacles to be overcome and broken down to be replaced with my own.

I commit myself to stop shying away from the opportunity to have my opinions challenged because I do not actually trust myself to know what is best, and in such never actually learn from my interactions with others and place the memories of failures and past experiences in a place of complete superiority to how I am able to experience and express myself in any given moment.

I commit myself to see how this is not actually living, but is actually only a form of treading water within myself, and keeping up my own personal status quo.

I commit myself to stop building up my own self importance within and as this status quo where I only accept the reaction to fear and being wrong as the motivating factor to why I interact with other where I only push back within my knowledge and information base to which I am basing off of a positive/neutral/negative comparative scale rather than seeing and living within a stable point of expressing support for the other being as myself.

I commit myself to stop viewing lack of understanding in how to support another being as a weakness and instead simply seeing this as a point of focus that I have not actually walk through yet.

When and as I see myself spinning of into other realities of the mind where I continue to behave in old patterns and habits with others, I stop myself and breathe, seeing how instead of submitting to my own mind I am capable of changing my relationship to my experience in such a way that I can constructively learn how to be here in breathe instead.

I commit myself to breathe through the typical experiences of fear of lose when facing these situations where I am face with the idea that I may lose someone that is close to me.

I commit myself to see how the connections and definitions that are involved with losing someone close to me are/is actually only taking place within the mind in a format of viewing this other being as being more or less then other beings and that this is really only based within feelings inside the mind.

When and as I see myself believing/giving value to feelings/emotions/thoughts, I stop myself and breathe and see how when I based everything that I do within these mind points that I am never actually in control.

I commit myself to take back control of myself from the energetic responses that I am having to again being the directive force within my world by investigating the reactions and responses that I have and looking at why these things are happening and what is really the root source of the reactions and participation.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with other beings and how it seems so natural for us as human beings to live according to our feelings I stop myself and breathe and realize that through participation we are totally abdicating our personal responsibility for our actions and not actually ever realizing why we do/say particular things.

I commit myself to see how this can have a multitude of different reactions/consequences that will invariably affect not only ourselves but the other beings and life around us.

I commit myself to see how the allure of this is great for myself and for others because it seems so real and in such the allure of a positive response/reactions is so great against the opposing polarity of the negative.

I commit myself to stop the excuse that I am justified in validating my own pursuit of feelings/emotions simply because I see others doing so and it seems so “natural” and “real”.

I commit myself then to see how this process will take time for each individual to self realize, and that this will require particular prerequisite experiences to take place for each, and that for myself the formation of excuses where I compare myself to others is really only a way for me to not stand up within myself.

I commit myself therefore to stop wasting time in regards to trying to get others to see what I am seeing, and instead focus invariably on where I am standing, who am I within my process, and what principles I in fact am living by and within.

When and as I see myself not letting myself live up to the fullest that I realize that I am capable of, I stop myself and breathe and remind myself that any time that I waste with eventually need to be accounted for and hold myself in atonement for, so it is in my own best self interest to walk within and as the principles of what is best for myself as what is best for all in each moment of breathe.

I commit myself to continue to push myself through my process of self realization for myself and stop creating avoidable confliction and contradictions within myself that I will be required to walk later.

I commit myself instead to start taking on myself in actual self honesty in each moment so as to minimize the time that is required to walk myself free from my mind, realizing that in the application of self for self lies the actual key in supporting and assisting others.

I commit myself to see how in the application of myself in self honest I begin to avoid the common mistakes that I have always accepted and allowed myself to fall back within.

I commit myself to actually utilize the mind projections as a point of reference in what is still required for me to walk, instead of seeing it as some great enemy that needs to be killed/vanquished I can redefine my own mind as something of where I can see what I have chosen to accept and allow and change myself from there within that platform, so stopping the guilt that is carried around within seeing that still have a long way to go.

I commit myself to see how that redefinition actually can be utilized to remove the common pitfalls of procrastination and laziness that I see and accept within my world.

I commit myself to avoid the illusion that is the pursuit of happiness and instead realized that the ideas that are upheld within the idea of looking for happiness is actually only a response/reaction of not being satisfied within the current experience/moment that I currently occupy within myself.

Instead I commit myself to living from within a starting point of enjoyment of the moment where I enjoy being here, despite what that here moment actually entails.

When and as I see myself scoffing at and holding judgment over other beings who have apparently placed value on the allotment of money over their personal physical health I stop myself and breathe and see how this type of reaction really only highlights my own personal bias against money and how at this time I still do not fully understand myself in regards to how I view money in this world.

I commit myself to educate myself further about how the manifestation of money occurs and what money really represents within society and the relationships that many people and myself have towards money.

I commit myself to fully immerse myself in the possibility of money as the utilization of money as a preventative force instead of a force that is used to separate and enslave.

I commit myself to see how the only actual way to purify my relationship with money is to walk the point thoroughly through the utilization of the desteni tools, to fully understand how/what my relationship with money actually personally means to me.

I commit myself to change my relationship with money from one of personal survival to one where I view money as a tool to create a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to realize that the personal relationship that I have with money and how I am changing that relationship will take time for others to come to similar conclusions, and that I should be able to handle this without having any feelings or beliefs about money influence the way that I interact with others or view others.

When and as I start to downplay the nature of myself within this world where I give into the idea that I forgo my ability to make a difference in this world and believe that I am in fact to small of a piece to make have any real effect, I stop myself and breathe, and see how besides the point that the world is actually made up individual pieces, that in fact each idea that is passed along has come from and within the understanding of previous people and individuals, so it is important to not underestimate, and downplay the ability of myself to become an effective being/individual within this world.

I commit myself to fully realize that despite my potential that this process is one of practicality and that I can never really say that I am effective without actually excesizing my potential in a way that is actually measurable, tangible, practical, and permanent.

When and as I see myself closing myself off from the larger picture because there is some rough patches within my internal circle, I stop myself and breathe and realize the actuality of the situation, where standing up for life is a way of making sure that I am taking the point of prevention of something that was about what I could have done, to something that is real time, practiced and realized for and as all.

I commit myself to make prevention real, so all can reap the benefit of living within a world where all can express themselves fully without fear of falling into disparity, hardship, and struggle.

I commit myself to become a beacon to bring about a world free from fear of survival to stop the abuse of oneself here in the physical for all time.

234. Is feeling living? Some SF.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing prevention to play a role within my life thus far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand prevention and what that actually means, how to actively live a preventative life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that prevention is the same thing as living neurotically and not realizing that prevention actually is a course of action that is based within common sense and not within a feeling basis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can still help person when the preventative opportunity has past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on feelings of guilt because I believe that I have failed another in not being about to convince the other person to change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand the time and place that I was before and how I was conducting myself in the past and realizing that this perhaps is part and parcel of why I was not trusted with anything with credibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself that I know better then this other being and that they need my help to fix them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spin this situation around once again and make this about me rather then allowing myself to be/express myself effectively and recognize the moments where I am actually invited to share rather then making things about my opinion on what the other being should do that is really only based within memories that then generate a feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my world according to feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my entire life has been only really ever been based within and as series of emotions and feelings that I generate with the use of thoughts and memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand how the creation of my own polarity scale and the acceptance/use of that scale within my is actually been the thing that has been directing me from my indoctrination within the dominant “reality”. And never stopping to consider otherwise the the physical world is actually what is real and feelings and emotions are just energy that feeds off of the physical substance of my own body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ever realize that thinking and feelings are actually a form of self cannibalism.

Therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to live without the guilt that comes allowing with seeing how I COULD have behaved/expressed myself if I had a more complete understanding of myself at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I did not know any better at the time that I must live with eternal guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not actually give/gifting myself the ability to excuse and forgive myself for mistakes that I have made in the past, holding myself in self pity, and instead of being constructive, practical and utilizing the mistakes into a common sense solution I just have chosen to become sad and push that self responsibility to take action aside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself that feelings and emotions are harmless and only effect me, when it is plain to see that emotions and feelings are frequently and enthusiastically being exchanged and thrown onto other beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like feelings are something that is so important so as to let them get into the way of me actually really being aware of what is going on here.

I forgive myself for in that feeling to forget how I can affect the reality around me through the ignoring of instances and opportunities that come up as well as getting involved within other things that do not require my/any attention all because of and within a feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back in the past within my relationship with this other being and in such missed particular opportunities and cues to really connect with the other being.

I forgive myself to miss that opportunity because I was to busy chasing my own self importance as experiences of positive, neutral, and negative, and in such was not able to stand in as a actual pillar of support for the other, and in turn became guilty for my lack of understanding and ability to assist this other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for this other beings choices and not realizing that in the state that I was in, the age I was at, I actually did not and was not able to and be prepared to realize myself as being fully here.

I forgive myself for not accepting this experience as a lesson to take myself more seriously within the deconstruction of my mind instead of the easy way out which is just to feel back and go back into and within my old habits/patterns/addictions because I do not want to face the possibility of losing someone close to me and would rather pretend nothing is happening and just hide from it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the value and self evolution that is involved in staying here in breathe remaining present within this reality instead of allowing myself to just spin off into some alternate reality of the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the harm that I am able/doing to myself within believing in and giving value to feelings/thoughts/emotions and not seeing how everything that I do is really a reflection of those things, and that I am never really in control when I giving into those points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give over my actual power of self to a poser of energetic responses/

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how easy it is for others to forgo their actual physical human bodies for a feeling, and not seeing how I have actually done/doing the same thing through varies habits and addictions that I still accept and allow on some level within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how the temporary high of feelings are something that many people strive for because it seems so real, and that people will not stop until they are actually forced to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see or realize the extent of this problem/challenge from within my own process of self discovery/realization that this is something that will take/require particular prerequisites for some to get into and find for themselves or a being that has been able to become clear enough to effectively assist them with clarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize the importance then of walking this journey with the up-most self determined attitude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that anything that I do not do to the fullest that I am capable that I will be held accountable for, and that this is something that I will eventually have to atone for within myself so I might as well walk this process without creating to much excessive problems within myself and within others, until I am able to really assist someone in a effective manner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought to arise where I do not have to accept the process for what it is, and sort of trick myself into not pushing myself for fear of not being ready, and forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I will never really ever be fully ready to give up the mind or any of the programs that come along within it but I will need to push through that believe and just walk to process anyways and used the opportunities of imperfection to figure out where I still need attention in cleaning out my mind of all the useless bs that stays up there because I have some system of feelings attached to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the other reason for self abuse is lying within the system of feelings and emotions for the positive, where fun from within the field of pursuit of fun/happiness can actually lead one down a path of confusion, danger, self deceit, since the pursuit of fun/happiness is generally a response to not being satisfied with the current situations and a fear of survival where I would try to deal with the endless task of just trying to survive within this world and replacing it with all sorts of activities that are just based within trying to escape the survival mentality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to educated myself within the world of how to support myself within this world, and seeing others supporting themselves and scoffing because I did not realize the importance of money at the time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how money can/will be used to create a preventative force within the world where beings who are able to walk a process of self trust within oneness and equality will actually stand up and make changes because we can be used to create solutions that are truly freeing for all and are no longer a manifestation that is used to enslave.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how these changes will take some time to come through as the points to walk each person back from a point of separation to equality can be a difficult and challenging one as I am finding out for myself, so that in the meantime some within my world may pass away without really finding out for oneself in this life what oneness and equality actually means.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about that since I can see how I still would like everyone within my circle and family to get it and understand, without fully seeing myself and understanding myself first, not seeing the expectation within myself, where I don’t even really know how walk for myself yet, and in short not realizing the patience and application that it requires to walk process and that not everyone will get it no matter how much I feel I want them to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feelings that I have for those in my world to to be unique and special when in fact I am proving the ridiculous nature of this belief within these feelings when in application I cannot say the same thing about all beings and all life within my world currently where my feelings are based within specific conditions, and creating a platform for separation within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a system of interdependence on and as only a few select people within my world to the point where I placed more value in what happens to them then what happens to the rest of all life equally.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how I actually am a part of all life and that my contributions to what I accept and allow within my world is actually what I define real value as in this world, and as such forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue the system of abuse through the participation in the mind systems within my mind rather then living with the principals of what is best for all and preventing a world where all are living within separation with life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will never be able to make a difference within this world in terms of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am to small to be a preventative force within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into to the idea that it is to late for prevention and that just because something is happening within my internal circle of beings that this is a microcosm of the external world outside it and that I am giving up on the world and what I am walking because of my personal life, which is not realizing what is actually happening in the larger picture, and for not seeing that I am able to set aside my feelings and emotions at the door for a actually role of support within this world where eventually we will not need to go through particular hardships because of the basic fear of not being able to be certain of survival. Which leads up to the abuse of oneself here in the physical.

233. Is feeling living?

Sometimes in life we are faced with situations where we can see how certain things could have been prevented. And this point comes in where its like “I could have done more”, “what could I have done so this did not happen, or what can I do to fix this now”. Well obviously prevention is the best option but when we are dealing with other beings in this world it can get complicated quickly. So how can we exercise prevention within our lives in such a way that can translate into another’s life.

I am facing such a moment in my life now where another in my world is facing some quite serious issues. I want to help, I want to be there for him, but somewhere I can see that perhaps the time for prevention is past. This brings up some feelings of guilt, like why could I not be heard, how did I live my life in those times where my credibility as a person was stunted within this others eyes to the point where I could not be trusted. How have I define my entire life in such a way as to be living within a state of just feeling, trained in that formatting of perceiving the world and in such just totally fucked some opportunities to really reach out and connect with the other people in my life and this person.

On the other hand, it is not my responsibility to make another beings choices in life and in that I can look back and say in honesty that I have done what I can do within the capacity of who I was at the time. Now its like where I stand now its a point of viewing myself as being to late to make a difference in his life.

So yes it goes to show how just living life in and as feelings and emotions really can have real effects on the way that we move throughout life, I notice that we as beings tend to view them as being harmless or something that only us as individuals go through. But as life moves, I personally cam see how in so many instances in my life I have missed the moment of opportunity in life where I was able to fully express myself to the people in my world and just be in this world as a expressive being in general. It goes to show that when we as beings tend to hold ourselves back within feelings then the opportunity to really make a difference in one persons life is given up for that feeling or not even notice that something may need our attention because we are to busy feeling exalted about ourselves, high on energy, or low and out in depression, either way totally absolved within our own importance, and missing out on what is actually taking place and take action within that where it is needed.

From another perspective it is evident of the harm we are able to cast onto ourselves which is obvious within my own life and experiences within skateboarding and how that has been an through and through chasing of a feeling experience, where I disregard my physical body in for a temporary high, and now only within the face of an injury have I been forced/clear enough to recognize that point. So it is understandable how this being has reached this point within his life, where he continued down a particular road of behavior until he has literally been forced to stop and confront himself. That is like this process really where if we do not stop of our out volition then in death we face ourselves and everything that we have allowed within us.

Prevention is the key to this mess in the world. I see how the process within oneself is that important where each one stopping the belief in the illusions of the mind can make a small difference in this and from there we can collectively come to decisions together and create a world of preventative insight, where no-one has to have their lives cut short, or quality of life impeded because they just where uninformed, scared, rushed to support others, worried about money in anyway, and instead take value in informing ourselves about what really is best for us and not just making decisions based within a feeling or desire, and in fact understand ourselves to see what desire really represents within us in self honesty. I see that it will take time to get there and that this may mean that in that mean time I may lose some within my world that I have placed as being pivotal within my life, but I can also see how placing anyone one a position of grandeur is really just looking for a feeling, believing those feelings to be unique and special, convinced that they are actually life and what I truly want. The actual realization here is to place myself in such a position where I can actually see and realize all as equal and one, which includes myself, understanding that until I am able to do that I will always be looking to hide myself within my feelings for others and my interdependence with only a few rather then all.

OK I will go to there for now, and write some self forgiveness on this point tomorrow. Thanks.

232. Supporting myself in breathe.

Lately I have been attempting to be aware of my breathe more, I find it really challenging and come up to quite a few points of resistance and friction. Its like this constant snapping back and forth. Its interesting to be able to see and notice that point of where I would rather go into my mind and just spin off into imagination, judgment, etc. Its amazing how completely consumed I have become by so many different things. And moving myself through all the nonsense is really quite the task. Getting back to base level I suppose I still have not accepted myself fully as what it actually means to face myself, to let go of thoughts, and remain truly here. My mind always wants to put in some kind of erroneous meaning within thoughts. I keep directing things like all sorts of ideas and what if’s about how to figure all this out, like in the last post I constantly have these “pieces” I never really fully am sure if it is me that is speaking, or it is some fabrication of my own mind. I have not learned that entire distinction yet.

The simple commons sense conclusion to this is again, am I aware of myself breathing? Am I clear. Or is my mind cluttered up? What is my natural state even look like. Well looking at that I am not so sure. So many areas I look to “enhance”, looking to make each moment more then it actually is and in doing that I obviously reduce the moment to less then it is because I am not here in that moment. I keep looking to supercharge the moment with a illusion, the illusion that is energy and the energetic movement of thoughts.

I have not accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied with what is here I am always in a state of desire to “solve” myself, to create this better world and in such I am creating that very platform for myself to remain the same because I have not and am not yet living up to that platform/desire. And besides what is that desire actually standing in for within myself? Just another fear.

It is time that I really stop fucking with myself, I’ve been doing that for so long, I mean yes it is understandable that this process takes time, that I will continue to fall, forget to breathe, get distracted, and participate in the mind, but that really is no excuse to be using as the basis of what I am able to do, what I can do within my day and who I choose to be in each moment. Each missed breathe is a allowance, an allowance that I will have to take account of and forgive at one point and time. Why did I choose to participate, what was I trying to represent within me in that participation, how was I trying to make this moment more then what it actually is here as the physical.

So the next step in this process for me is really to get past the point of making up reasons for why I still give value to the mind, find out what it is that I am really giving attention to in my day to day life and how can I streamline that into the most effective way that will support me in this journey.

What am I willing to give up is the question. Because if I am fundamentally not willing to give everything up that is of the mind then it goes within saying that I am not willing to really live, and not willing to accept myself as this breathe as life as who I really am. I am not fully willing to accept and allow all as one as equal to be a actual self expressive principle in which I live by.

So no tricks, no games, just simple practical living, breathing and enjoying myself within breathing, not as a excitement or happiness that comes and goes rises and falls, but simple enjoyment of myself being here as this moment as the expressions of myself as breathe.

Lots of effort still to be made, but within that I commit myself to not fall back to a place of self dishonest, self deception, and instead focus on and give my attention to living and becoming a unconditionally accountable being, who will stand up for life no matter the situation.

Thanks.

231. Some observations on working at a homeless shelter.

Id like to take a moment to write about some observations from working within the shelter. Something that I have noticed is that the way this particular institution is set up and run is defiantly ineffective and convoluted, I mean it is basically just a holding tank for people to be shuffled around in. I hear that the other shelters in this city are similar if not worse. Those with good behavior can hope to land a room on the main floor and those with a particular situation can even gain a low income rental housing upstairs. Now none of this actually address’s the fundamental issues of why these people are in this situation, there are all kinds really, those coming from a background of drugs, from crime, from mental disorders, job loss, unforeseen circumstances. So it can act as a safety net to some for sure and some require it, but along with that there is definitely some that have placed themselves there and have refused to leave or believe that they are owed. And to some degree they are correct we as society own it to ourselves to make sure there is no one that is left wanting for a dignified life. There is a feedback loop that I can clearly see within this social service here in Canada, where some policies are made according and in response to particular behavior that is observed, and I am assuming that this particular model is the result of years on years of this particular reactive type modeling. But there seems to be a fundamental breakdown between some of the shelter staff and the people using the service, some of the staff themselves have come from a place of addictions, and some do not, so there is a range of predispositions about who, which, and what the homeless mean to them. and although on both ends of the equation there seems to be beings that really have no place being there, ultimately the system is what is dictating the entire reaction of having shelters at all. The way things are set up within society and economics make the only resources available, the equivalence of falling into poverty basically a trap, housing is hard to find when the landlords will not rent to those on welfare or disability. And a job is hard to get when you have no fixed address. And if you manage to get a job you are penalize on your welfare so the incentive to even work is lessened for some. I have seen how many just live in lives of hopelessness and frustration. And this frustration leads to careless choices, sometimes it gets them kicked out of the shelter, because they pushed that line of tested policy restrictions. So the support really isn’t there, the shelter is labeled as a “harm reduction” model which means that they do not have to stop using drugs to stay there and they are not kicked out if they are high/drunk in the shelter, only if you are seen using or selling drugs. The rules are very relaxed in general and there is a running joke with the staff that this is the Hilton of shelters. Overall though there is little consequence or incentive for people to change at this shelter. Mainly what I have noticed is that the focus is placed on providing beds, and food, and not really much in the way of real support and the options to better oneself and break out of the cycle is minimal, perhaps I am generalizing, and a better way to say it would be that the environment makes it extremely difficult to make progress since it is a very individually based platform for success, where one person can be totally fine and doing well, staying sober on the road to recovery, and one incident with another being in the shelter or the staff, sets them off and before you know it they are spiraling out of control. Tensions can run high. Now not to say that some are not able to make it out of the trap, there are success stories, but from my observation this is really like a moderate minority at best. The main thing that I have noticed is that while the staff working there are in general cool people with some compassion and in most cases are genuinely looking to provide support for the people they serve, some are ill equipped, others are held in behind restrictive policies, and some are coming from a place of unintended enabling. The main point within the whole picture is that it is run like a business, for profit to a few. This may be speculation, but I was told by the staff that the particular branch of shelters that I work within was started by a being that that was initially homeless and drug addicted, she just retired a millionaire. That’s well and good, and perhaps they earned it by setting this all up and fair trade for effort in this system currently, but what I am getting at in this point is how the system of “support” is really lying over a fundamentally for profit systemic institution. In a documentary about homelessness in Vancouver the figure was mentioned that it costs around $74,000 to the city per homeless person per year, this includes medical costs and policing costs. That’s more then double what I make working full time at the shelter, so obviously it is big business for some and it would be in their interest to design the system with as many breaks and flaws as possible while still maintaining the air of support for the people in the most vulnerable position in society, making it seem like like it may work but really placing blocks in the way to keep people on the streets. The industry of poverty.
I am not implying that those staying in the shelter are exempt from responsibility, we all make choices in life and are responsible for those choices, and while for some staying in the shelter it really is a safety net, they hit a string of unfortunate events and are left homeless, but these people usually are not there for long and do not show up again, they utilize the resource and move on. Then there are those that do not seem to be able or want to take the initiative to move themselves out of the homeless life. So yes there is responsibility for the individual to stand up within oneself and move oneself to a better position. But in this we as a society can be doing a whole lot more to assist and support this particular sector of society. Currently the largest contributing factor within this problem as I can see is simply a lack of money. The amount of money provided for someone on the welfare system is just not enough to be able to support someone in living a decent dignified life. And psychologically the ramifications of this can be easily imagined, despair, hopelessness, anger, fear, a sense of confinement and boredom with the lack of being able to do something. I have had many people come and volunteer in the kitchen simply out of boredom, there is nothing to do at the shelter other then watch the TV in the lounge, smoke, or do drugs and drink. As far as I can tell the amount of social programs that are offered are extremely limited. So the beings lash out often, and the natural response to this is to kick out the being due to policy infringement, which I assume is the grounds for more intensive policy development. So it is simply a tightening noose type scenario that is a by product of our current economic model.
So for one the issue of money really needs to be looked at within our current system where a basic income for all would defiantly go a long way in reducing the way people experience themselves within the homeless and poverty sector of society. I can clearly see now how much rides on just that one point. It just makes sense as well, its just flat out cheaper to just give these people a decent life, instead of labeling everyone off the bat as being lazy because the do not want to work for their money. I can say for certain that if I were to get a basic income I would not stop working, although I know that I do not want to work as much, I would prefer to have time to pursue, expand, and contribute myself in many other areas and would not have to spend most of my time slaving away for 40 hours a week just to pay bills and such. So in a progressively shrinking job market where the sheer amount of jobs is shrinking due to technological automation this paradigm that people should stop being lazy and get a job its really a outdated viewpoint, this is just where things are going. I would rather automate all the jobs that are not required to be done by humans and instead focus our efforts on doing and creating things that are of real value to the planet, the animals, and us, establishing the role of stewards of the Earth. So if everyone had a basic income were there was enough to live on there would not be this great pressure for myself as well as everyone else to work away or lives we could work less and more of us could work because the hours would open up for other people. As well as allowing other beings the opportunity to develop new and innovative arenas of business further expanding the jobs market, we essentially are current working our way into stagnation, working our way to the global grave.
Bringing me to the second point where this change really can happen and take place if each one of us stand up beginning with myself first where I can break down my own ego and tendencies to regard others as separate from myself, and actually stand beside all the others in my world regardless of where they are and what they are struggling with. I can work on myself to the extent where I can support another being with a common sense approach as well as providing solutions that have worked for myself. So sharing my experiences is a cool experience and one that I can see that the current system of institutions could really use. Instead of shoving all these people into a can and expecting them to behave or else, there could be a more holistic approach to the process of being in a shelter, where the focus is on activities that are done together, like a community gardening program, and regular discussion circles to find out what it is the beings could come up with to find solutions for there problems, maybe even a weekly jam. Most people I can see want to better themselves and their lives, but there has been a breakdown of the sense of brother and sisterhood within this particular group of people where the judgment is always the other guy is lazy. So fundamentally there could be a platform to reestablish the ability for beings moving through the homeless system to find actual support rather then the just bare basics of a bed and a meal. I cannot see it changing anytime soon since this ideology of us and them is strongly ingrained in the minds of both sides, but it working here has really shown me a lot about the current state of this particular section of society and my relationship to it, so it is something for me to work on within myself as well, as seeing the potential for change in this institution.

Thanks for reading.

230. Why I do not want to stand: I’m not good enough Sc statements.

When and as I see myself standing within a disbelief within myself about what I am able to do and how I am able to achieve change within myself and within my world, I stop myself and breathe, and see how I have always only ever been allowed myself to be a person who defines my existence as not having confidence within myself, and how this has lead to a series of habitual behaviors of just waiting and hoping within my world where I am have not ever actually stood up and placed myself in situations that will be supportive for myself and I am actually satisfied within myself.

I commit myself to follow through and actually realize my potential to change, and within that step up and take a active participatory role in creating my reality.

I commit myself to stand up and within the point of having confidence in the decisions that I choose to make so I can actually begin to trust myself in a daily manner where I am not swayed by the emotional experiences of feeling this way one day and that way another.

Instead I commit myself to stop the habits of just waiting around for things to happen and replace that with the active ability that I realize I have to create my world where I am fully satisfied, and at the same time remember that a world best for all is one that includes myself so it is pertinent to remember that in how I direct myself.

When and as I see myself basing my experience within my day to day living on from within the arena of the mind I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back to a place of self direction and realizing that I am choosing to be here or in the mind.

I commit myself to bring myself back to a place of awareness within each moment rather then allowing myself to be ruled over by the mind in allowing myself to place me in a place of no-action.

I commit myself to find out for myself what it is that I really would like to do within my world taking that directive initiative and work within that as a personal goal.

I commit myself to stop the self judgment that I have place on myself for so far not finding a situation where I am not satisfied with.

I commit myself to instead of looking back on all the “missed” moments/opportunities that I have had and stop the feeling of squandering my life away and changing the perspective from that of failure to one where I am able to see myself, my tendencies, points of weakness, and triggers and from there use those things to leverage me within creating a new way of living and expressing myself.

I commit myself to conduct myself as a person who is fully capable of walking through my life with confidence in myself what my abilities are and creating a world that is to my satisfaction where I am able to enjoy what I am doing and change the point that I do not see as being supportive, without resorting to the mind and judgment of myself or others.

When and as I see myself forgo the self initiative to look within myself to find out where and how I could improve myself I stop myself and breathe and within that push through the resistances to lay back within my life and limits that I have set for myself.

I commit myself to realize that the only limits are the set within my experience of myself are those that set by me within what I am willing to accept and allow myself to define myself by and those limits that are set by the nature of physical reality, which I can decipher through the application of practical common sense. (I should not jump of a building because I tell myself I am not limited by gravity, I CAN FLY!!)

When and as I see myself fueling the experience of falling within my process with this self judgment of not being good enough, and standing within a belief system that I will never succeed I stop myself and breathe, and realize that again this is only a possession of the mind where I am convincing myself to not move through excuses really when it boils down to it brought on from memories of not being good enough in my past.

When and as I see myself not realizing that these things are only reflections from the past and instead I choose to the belief that I am somehow inherently flawed on a existential level I stop myself and breathe and see how this is really just a way for me to justify the self judgments and make sure I cannot escape.

I commit myself to realize that the self judgment that I have subjected myself to is actually based in memories.

I commit myself to break down the barriers within myself about where these points stem from and and what specifically was the root of the self definitions of not being good enough.

I commit myself to see how the avoidance of taking on the root memories has stemmed into a experience where I belief myself to be “just broken” instead of something that I created through participation in the thoughts, feelings, emotions, definitions, experiences that have made up this idea, and within that codify and convince myself that it is useless to escape from that belief.

I commit myself to drop that belief and stop make excuses and for once and all realize that I am able to stand within myself if I so choose to be here present in breathe which is the key to this whole process.

When and as I see myself hiding behind the point of it being to hard to navigate the complexity I stop myself and breathe, realizing that since I got myself into this complexity, the only rational, logical solution is that I am able to get myself out.

I commit myself to walk through the complex nature of my process and understand that it will of course take some time to navigate myself effectively but to not fall within dismay and self judgment at where I currently stand, instead placing the attention to acceptance of myself of where I am and focusing on instead taking each step with awareness and breathing through the resistances when they come up.

I commit myself to see how this experience is actually really only occurring in my mind and that this is proven by the outplay of which is through the varies choices, acceptances, and allowances that lead me to arrive to this point here, so I am fully capable of making choices, and decisions for myself with awareness and self directive ability.

I commit myself to take the choice to participate within physical reality as breathe rather then making the choice to participate within and as the mind, seeing that this is where the experience of not being good enough really actually lies, within a choice to participate.

When and as I see myself fearing the belief in itself being true where I stand within a perspective of constant doubt about who am I and what I am capable of, and within that FEARING the worst about myself in all situations I stop myself and breathe, and realize that within this resonate fear of failing/not being good enough is the actual blue print for the actualization of that fear into a real manifested reality of myself.

I commit myself to stop pressing the play button on not being good enough within myself life through the participation and acceptance of the fear of not being good enough and instead recreate myself through the action of walking myself through physical reality, and supporting myself here in awareness, constantly bringing myself back into this moment through breathe.

When and as I see myself constantly suppressing this system of “I am not good enough” within a shroud of positivity where I look to cover up this point within myself so I do not have to deal with it, face it, or do something about changing myself, I stop and breathe and realize that in this respect I am just prolonging a situation to compound in on itself and not actually take any initiative within myself to really look to improve myself for myself.

I commit myself to instead of trying to cover up the self judgments that I make about myself with a positive experience to look for the root cause of such self judgment and become practical within find solutions, such as the tools of self forgiveness and self corrective application.

I commit myself to work through the memories instead of trying to bury them in positivity so as to not have to deal with them right away, and realize this as a form of laziness, procrastination, and avoidance.

I commit myself instead to bring myself back to being aware of myself here in the physical through breathing and in that to walk myself through the physical act of writing and speaking out self forgiveness so as to release myself from the energy bond within the self judgment of “I am not good enough”

When and as I see myself neglecting myself for not standing up for myself within myself and realizing that breathing is actually the real test of self of if I am able to be here existing without the mind, I stop and breathe, and if I still see the movement of thoughts, feelings, emotions moving within me I support myself through physical act of immediately speaking self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself making the choice to not be here, present within breathe because I find that I would prefer to be doing something else within my mind rather then walking myself through process and giving myself back my self respect and self trust, I stop myself and breathe and face this point head on and commit myself to being as direct as I can be at any particular stage within my process, not allowing myself to giving in and give up on myself.

I commit myself to understand that any movement of thoughts, feelings, emotions that I have not made within directive awareness, are only actually projections of the mind.

I commit myself to continues utilizing breathe to the point of where I am able to dissipate the energy of the mind instead of continuously participating and building up that energy within me.

I commit myself utilize the value of practical solutions within my day to day living and realize that acceptance of this new conduction of myself is really about beginning to trust myself again and not about what is going to stimulate me the most.

I commit myself to give up the experiences of energy to make way for the ability that I am really capable of when I remove the hold that the mind has held over me for so long and in such bring about the best that I am capable of consistently from here on.

I commit myself to walk myself out of the experience of not being good enough so I can really start to have fun within how I choose to express and direct myself instead of living from within a series of fear based motives.

Thanks.

229. Why I do not want to stand: I’m not good enough SF.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself within a disbelief that I am able to change, or achieve something of value within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always stand within the self definition of someone who does not have actual confidence, and that I will never be able to learn that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have always taken a backseat position within my life where I never actually take much of a active role in creating my world but instead I just generally wait for things to come/happen to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how this has lead to many situations within my life where I am not and do not find the situations/jobs/relationships to have been/are supportive and dynamic.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am actually allowing my mind to have free reign over me, and not become the directive force within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to convince me that I am not worth much in my life/world so I never have put forth any real substantial effort to change myself or my situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not actually finding a situation that I am fully satisfied with and in that realm to do/behave/express myself to the utmost that I am capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the focus only on the situations rather then looking at myself and how I conduct and direct myself within each and every moment of breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself as a person that is capable of placing myself in a position of satisfaction with my situation and where I can have confidence in my ability within my workplace or in day to day life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lay back rather then looking for the positions within my life that could stand to improve and walking those placements to find out what my actual limits are and what I can do to push through those limits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self definition of of not being good enough to be fueled and upheld by the experiences of falling within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am never going to succeed within it or be able to move past the walls that I have built up around myself within my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong within my where I do possess the capability or the where-with-all to be able to walk myself through this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up the excuses that this is to hard, or to complex, and use those as a reason/justification as to why I cannot figure myself out, and tell myself that on multiple occasions so as to keep myself locked into this experience of hopeless confusion and lack of motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is really only based within a choice of believing these judgments/definitions of the process and in such placing myself in a inferior position to them. Telling myself constantly that I will never be able to overcome the difficulty or complexity.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand how this is totally only occurring within my mind, where the proof of which is in the fact that everything that I have brought into my reality was a choice to participate within and make part of my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then not come to the understanding that the mind is really a choice to participate in or to be here in physical reality where I am able to breathe in each moment without constantly being moved by and within the mind.

I forgive myself then for accepting and allowing myself to fear the belief that I am not good enough to actually be something that is true, instead of realizing that this is really just a projection of the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how the creation of this projection is actually based within and as the fear where the fear will manifest the actuality of the result of me not being good enough, and then not trying to move myself and push myself and then the fear is confirmed and made into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself constantly doubt myself within my process and never actually place any real trust within me walking out of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for the continuous stream of suppression of myself as self doubt and always looking to hide this self definition within positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to constantly hide from my own systems of self doubt through avoidance, distractions, and procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize the value within standing up for myself, trusting myself, having faith within myself in the moment, stopping the self judgments that I place on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how much of the judgments that I have about myself within the “I am not good enough” system is actually from memories where I previously have neglected to stand up for myself and thus created a habit and pattern of not actually trusting within myself of what I am capable of doing/achieving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the real question within my day to day living which is actually not if I am good enough but rather if I am able to remain present within breathe, and able to stop my mind when I can see that I am being possessed by energy, and instead make the choice to participate in physical reality rather then the experiences created within my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize the practical solution breathing to stop the flow of energy within my mind when facing a situation where I would rather go into a giving up and giving in to the mind experience where it just seems easier to do something that I would prefer to do rather then do something that I know would be supportive within walking myself through my own process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing breathe as a viable solution of dissipating the building energy when I am face with scenarios within my that are a result of me standing within the belief that I am not good enough.

228. Why I do not want to stand: I’m not good enough.

Another point to the puzzle is that I have never really believed within myself that I am capable of achieving anything of real value, I have had only idea’s, projections of the mind. There has always been some fundamental point of not viewing within my own eyes that I am capable of changing and being able to be a person who has confidence within myself.
I have mainly sabotaged myself and always taken a backseat approach to my life letting things just come into my world through indirect participation and consistently standing within the idea that things will come to me if I wait. While this has worked in just getting by, but just not making much ripples within my world and I can see how overall this has caused me to be in many situations that I do not actually enjoy or find supportive. Just accepting them as they are because of the belief that I cannot or am unworthy of something better, and am scared of actually being the directive force within my world. Instead just letting things happen to me, and letting my mind walk all over me.
A reinforcing feedback loop where I ended up within situations that are less then expanding and I start to believe within myself that this is all I am worth so I never reach out for more and just wait for something “better” to come along, but what typically happens is I just end up within another situation where I am unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and wanting something better/more. The point rarely comes up of doing the best that I am capable of in any and all situations, regardless of what that is. Or to trust in myself to be a capable person who is willing and able to direct myself into a position in which I am satisfied with, instead of settling for something that benefits another being at my own expense. Never trusting withing myself to push though the self doubt to a place where I can say, “yes, I am good enough for that (position…)”. I constantly downplay myself and tell myself that I am not there yet, instead of saying to myself “while I have plenty of room for improvement, I am fully capable of giving this a shot and finding out what my current limits are.”
So another prominent aspect within this self definition of not being good enough applies to and within the experience of falling. The Desteni process is something that I have been attempting to walk for quite a while now and I keep coming up against the same walls within it. Interestingly enough it really has nothing to do with my capability. It is just a point of like walking for a while getting to a particular point and then just giving up and giving in to the mind, like this is to much or to complex for me so I do not want to do it, its TOOOO HARD. Now within that the point really is only a belief that I choose to give a weight to, I am choosing this belief within my own mind over the practical physical action of standing, and even just doing something. Walking and making that commitment to walking, and pushing through the self doubt that I have been living with for my entire programmed life.
And stepping one step further is like within that point of “I am not good enough”, the real point underneath that is like this fear of that being true. Which is odd (or not so odd really) because its a recipe for a self fulfilling prophecy. And the more/longer I continue to give into these experiences, the more I have gone into myself and been like “hmm, you know your right you aren’t good enough, your fucked, you will never make it”, and it gets HARRRDER. Harder to move myself, harder to start walking again, harder to push through and see the truth. So it makes sense to make the initial efforts to finding the real source of why I really do not want to stand.
And this is really something that I do not even realize that I am doing, because on the outside everything seems normal, like I go through my day at work, write, working through some of the points, yet yielding the actual progress and results that I can see that I WANT are like quite difficult to accomplish, and the consistency is sparse. And I can see here that this is mainly because of the above reason of, “I am not good enough.” And there it goes to show that within the entire process so far there has been this component of never really trusting and giving myself the self confident to walk with me for me, and in that I have always been suppressing myself in and towards that belief of “I will never get past this”, “I will never make it”. And walking in self trust and honesty when operating within suppression I am seeing is really like looking for a needle in a haystack…. in a blizzard. Uncomfortable, and basically impossible, until I choose to stop suppressing.
This process is difficult at times, but at the same time I am realize that there is great value to standing within self where I can begin to respect myself for the first time and within that stop the judgments that I make on myself for all the memories and habits from my past experiences. Walking process has reached a point where the choice is now a moment to moment choice, where the real question is not “Am I good enough?”, the real question is, “Am I going to be here as breathe?”, since that is really the only thing that will indicate that I am choosing what is real and not a belief system.
So a practical solution to utilize would be in those situations to constantly remember to stop the mind whenever I am faced with a situation that I find I would rather just ignore my own self discovery and self realization within process for the mind created illusion of energy experiences and instead choose to just breathe through it allowing the energy of doubt and fear to dissipate and move myself physically throughout this world within the principles of equality and oneness so I can fully trust that I am walking a path that will result in that which will be in the best interest of all.

OK so I will do some self forgiveness on this point in the next post.

227. Why I do not want to stand. Pt 3 Life is boring SC.

When and as I see myself define my life as being boring and place a definition of life as boring because I adhere to a definition of life from a starting point that is based within energy or the lack of energy, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is actually a unsustainable way of approaching my day to day living and that I will always face issues within myself if I am basing my foundation of self within energy.

I commit myself to stop using energy as a guideline of where I am within my process and realize that energy as thoughts/feelings/emotions of a positive nature are unsustainable as they are only representations and reactions to the negative polarity spectrum and from there never find motivation that is sustainable and directed from self.

When and as I see myself translating the positive energetic experiences into memories in which I desire to recreate I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is really not a self directed form of motivation but is actually only a ploy I play within myself to try to gain positive experiences and run from the negative ones.

I commit myself to stop using memories as the point in which I base my choices of what I am willing to do within my world where I choose only the choices that give me a positive feedback experience within myself as being the only option.

I commit myself to realize that many times I will need to face the possibility of doing what I would ordinarily place in a category of not wanting to because it gives me a negative feeling/experience within myself, and realize that this is really the point of transcending my own mind limitations and conditions of comfort/effort that I have set for myself.

I commit myself to stop defining boredom as anything that is not capturing my life within memories or in the lack of recreate the experience of previous memories.

I commit myself to stop reacting to negative memories/experiences within my world, and not realizing how the relationship of the polarity equation actually work where fear of the negative leads to the avoidance of those experiences through the desire and pursuit of the positive.

I commit myself to stop using positive memories and experiences as a system of suppression of the negative ones where I do not want to do something so I just go off and do something else that give that feel good feeling.

I commit myself to push myself through those moments and breathe and realize that breathing is really the point of taking self directive ability where I bring myself back here.

When and as I see how what I have done is really create a system where I link back events like doing schoolwork from the past and place them into my world today and then link that experience into and as all other congruent experiences as being boring and not enjoyable, I stop myself in these moments and breathe, realizing that what I am doing is really just creating a classification system within myself for what events/experiences/tasks are boring/negative and which ones are fun/positive, and in such making some tasks much harder to walk through then necessary.

I commit myself to remove the charges of things that I am faced with in my day to day living and instead look at the situations that come up with the question of what is best for all in these cases, what can I do within my own life that will lead to and expand into a area that will benefit all life, and stick to this as a real substantial, sustainable guideline for motivation.

When and as I see myself not allowing myself to discredit the simple solution of just breathing to stabilize myself within the moment just because it does not fulfill the requirements of keeping boredom and negative experiences a bay, I stop myself and breathe, and remember that breathe is the only real indication of if I am here, and that the here moment is really the only thing with value from the perspective of not participating in the mind.

I commit myself to utilize breathing in a consistent and aware manner to confirm to myself that I am actually here.

I commit myself to stop playing tricks within myself by giving value to thoughts/feeling/emotions as points of charge and thinking that these are what is real.

I commit myself to stop discrediting breathe as boring because it does not stimulate the suppression of negative experiences.

I commit myself to stop using comparison of my past experiences with every moment and giving up the ability to actively participate and be here in each moment instead.

When and as I see myself acting within the belief that I am going to miss out on something within thinking and churning through idea, projections, etc I stop myself and breathe, realizing that when I am constantly absorbed within the importance of a train of thoughts I am actually missing out on what is real within that/this moment observing and participating in what is happening around me in awareness.

I commit myself in those moments of being absorbed within thinking to STOP, and bring myself back to stillness and within that stillness see that any movement within me is actually of the mind.

I commit myself then to in those moment take account of the things that are coming up within me within the mind, and to take responsibility for those things either through self forgiveness in the moment or if I am unable to in that moment, then to flag point the movement and work through the thought later.

I commit myself to stop believing in the idea that I am missing out on something within my thoughts and to realize that the vast majority of things that I am thinking about or scheming about within my own mind are only a response to a fear of survival, looking for a way out to safety where in I have not fully understood how to actually walk within my life/world yet and that only through a consistent application of the principles of equality and oneness in my daily living will I truly find and implement my true potential as a responsible human being.

I commit myself to realize that real life exist here within the physical reality of the moment in breathe and not within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions/etc.

When and as I see myself standing within a belief that walking process is to difficult, and that stopping thoughts is to hard, I stop myself and breathe and take a look at what this really is saying where all that is actually going on is I am allowing and accepting myself to stand within a choice to not pay attention, to not be aware of myself in each moment. A choice that I am making to remain in the mind rather then here as breathe.

I commit myself discontinue the idea/belief that I am not strong enough to walk process, and that stopping my thoughts is to hard, and instead realize in the moment when I notice that I am preoccupied withing a stream of thoughts that I am able to make the choice to stop, and be here within breathe instead of giving into self doubt and self sabotage.

I commit myself to stop the self abuse of myself as the physical through the depletion of myself as substance within and as the creation of thought energy.

I commit myself instead to stand within myself as breathe and bring myself back to breathe whenever I find myself drifting into thought streams. No matter how enticing it may seem to do so.

I commit myself to realize that in time I will develop a deeper understanding of when I am the actual force that is directing me within my world and when I am being directed in and by the mind consciousness system.

I commit myself to recognize the value and stability to my life/world that developing and realizing my awareness of myself within breathe will provide and gift myself with.

I commit myself to stop the abuse that is allowed when I am ignoring life as breathe, and the use of the mind as a tool of/for self interest and to instead bring myself back into a place of eventual nothingness so as to rebuild myself within the image and likeness of equality and oneness.