So looking back on what I wrote about yesterday, I can see that basically what is happening is the point just giving into the mind. I am not standing absolutely within myself in making a honest attempt at being here. This is something that is continuous within this process. I find it hard, I find it tricky, I find it challenging. I get lost in the complexity of this world and start to panic about where I can possibly fit in. I latch on to the belief that I am meant to be something more then a cook, and judge myself as being a second rate cook who dropped out of cooking school, when in fact I know that I am able to cook very well. And then go into a pit of pity and worry about where I could ever make more then $15 an hour. There is this mixture of fear, and desire, which really is only a reaction of the fear. I desire to be safe, and stable and I say that I want to do what is best for all. Internally though I can see that there is a fundamental point of self interest that is still holding on, wanting things for me. Wanting safety for me. Wanting a easy perfect life. And where I can see that self expression and learning to create my world can be/become/are supportive, I mean if the point of what I am doing is where I only seek the things that will be best for me only then I am deceiving myself, and not realizing how those things like self expression and creation are really the natural outflow of being a being who is willing to accept myself here in breathe. To not give into the mind and the incessant prerequisites for contentment and fulfillment.
The natural outflow of when I choose to be here in each moment in breathe because when I make that choice I am really saying to myself that I accept this moment as all there is, and in that make that moment the absolute expressive possibility that it can be. Now obviously I am not at that point yet, and while I have see some small progresses, I still bog myself down with so much backchat and addiction to stimulation. As much as I would like to pat myself on the back and say I am changed, TADA, I can see that this will take more effort and more time, a willingness to take things slowly and actually start accepting the moments that come up and move through them with awareness instead of just aching to pass through them on my way to my personal success story, and all the while missing out on my actually story of being here with myself and the physical world around me to which I am equal and one with. Funny how I am in this great hurry to get myself in this position of wealth and influence to save the world that I want to be one and equal with, but ignoring it as one and equal to me in the mean-time. So yes basically it is a failure to stop the mind consistently and actually commit to myself as this moment. Something that I will have to work on and practice and remain dedicated to within my daily life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my fears and worries about what I will do on a self judgment, where I leave the moment in breathe and instead choose to partake in all sorts of scenarios and backchat about how I am not sufficient a person to actually obtain all the desires that I have set out for myself to achieve.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to only be those desires and achievements where I place all the emphasis of this process of getting to somewhere else in the future, instead of realizing that I am missing the whole point of what/why I am walking this process, which is really to bring myself back to a point of equality and oneness with this physical world around me, by being here in breathing and taking in each moment in breathe.
When and as I see myself becoming lost in a web of self judgment towards myself about what and where I will fit into the big picture of what will play out in this world and only really focus on how I will survive in what is best for me, I stop and breathe and remember that in trusting myself with this moment that I will naturally find and move myself through the points that will come up in what is best for all.
I commit myself to realize that this will not always be the easiest choices to make or the most simple or enjoyable path to walk, but to see how in moving through the initial resistance in stopping all participation with the mind my initial reactions and reactions can be investigated and understood to a point where I do not have to go there anymore, and I am able to stand free from, in time, all the things that I current fear and worry about myself in.
I commit myself to realize that the most difficult thing to do initially is to stop participating in the mind and and to find the focus and consistency to not wait in facing the points when they come up, which means using the tools of self forgiveness and self corrective statements when I am face within a moment that I am not here in breathe.
I commit myself to see that while this is simple in theory I have proven to myself that this is has not been the case in practice, so I will have to make a adamant decision to work through the things that are most prominent and relevant to me during the day and focus on keeping the points simple rather then trying to tackle things to complex or aetheric
Right I will call it a night for now and pick it up here tomorrow.