So I would like to dig a little bit deeper as to why I desire this point of personal success that is based withing self interest and desire fundamentally. Where did this come from?
So on the surface here I suppose it comes from a few points like survival, competition with others and my parents, things like spite and anger towards my current situation. So within that all of these attachment points all basically stemming from a negative fear starting point. And if I look at how successful this model has been for me I can really say that for all the effort and planning that I have put into the aspect of thinking about and coming up with ideas on how I am going to get rich and be able to do all this great stuff, nothing has ever really panned out. And I wonder why to myself, a few times it was convenient to place the blame elsewhere like it was this persons fault they did not work hard enough. But what it came down to is the hard fact that my motivation was based within a fragile range of emotional starting point or well being. Like my being only had so much water in the well and once the was used up the well was dry and there was no more water to go around for anyone or anything.
It is interesting to see how the motivation to move myself through a daily commitment and stick to that is currently still based within this, based within a feeling, nothing practical with substance, in fact the opposite where I rob myself here as the physical of substance, and give it all up through thought, through doubt, through fears of death really. Since what is survival, and competition, but just fear of death and vying for a spot on the Darwinian ledger.
Interesting how the motivation is only a response, a reaction, to and within a deep seated fear that I am not good enough, that I will not make it, that I am not worthy.
Never has this ever been about a real movement within me, never has it actually been about taking a stand for anything other then vesting in my own personal self interest, or actually become a true movement of myself within a principle that has actual integrity, instead of a flip flop type of experience where I give up the movement as soon as the clouds roll in.
And so obviously this will take some serious diligence and perseverance within how I choose to walk my life and what I will do within it, how to conduct my time, and deciding for myself where and how I make myself the most useful within the larger group. And also building a trust with myself to follow through with my commitments instead of breaking myself in two continuously.
So the solution here would be to stop using the emotions as the guidelines within my world, even if at first I only see the neutrality within myself. Where neutrality is like the stepping stones between the positive and the negative, where I am still buying into that who system rather the do what I can in doing the best that is possible of me in this time. And in time I will begin to see how things are really only based within this point of fear state within me, pushing and pulling me within my mind to make me believe that I have to do this and I have to become that because this is what I FEEL is that correct path or thing to do, and base it all on gut, not even stopping for a moment to see if this is actually practical or viable within my world, or how much of the things that I want to do or spend time on are actually not in the best interests of anyone but myself. So obviously this needs to and can be changed to a expression of my life that is best for all, it will only take time and a application of me to find out the real me underneath the fear.
OK I’ll continue with self forgiveness on this post later.