225. Why I do not want to stand up for myself. Pt 1.

It is a curious thing. I am surrounded by so many examples of why this world needs to change, countless moments within my own personal experiences and daily life where I can see that the situation could stand to be improved to a better way or method. I am back into a corner of myself unable to move, and when I do move I only seem to make the bonds of my own enslavement even tighter. I tend to move only in dire consequences, only when the last moment calls for this, only when I am faced with the result of my own inaction to face myself and what I have become. I can see see the world outside of myself and see life all over the planet in struggle, people starving, wars, genocide, extinction, and on and on. This is all happening right under my nose and I still cannot seem to get myself off the couch at times. I still find it hard to push through myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to be as the mind. And here it is as this is only this thing that I have created called the mind. It is the mind that has gotten us all to this position in history through the illusion of time as the passage of events.
Why could this be? What is hold me back from facing this? It is to big? “I am not big enough to take this on”, is a frequent thought phrase I speak myself into submission with. But I know I am big enough. I created my mind-work so obviously I am able to recreate it. From there then it shows that I am obviously capable of change. So why then? Boredom, clearly it is partly this point. All I have ever really known is stimulation, energetic stimulation, where I am so used to the ups and downs, highs and lows. That is all life has become, and all I know it as, I am not at fault for this, at least not from the perspective of not realizing what I am doing or have been doing, but since I do now realize to some extent of my own capability, a question of responsibility comes up. Am I able to hide behind this point of continuing to participate in the mind, hide behind this idea of boredom with actual reality as what is around me in the physical world. On a daily level of not being aware of and paying attention to when I am not actually present and I am preoccupying myself within projections of so many various forms and natures, fears and desires. But if this is all I have ever known that does not actually eliminate the possibility that I am capable of something else. And from what I have walk so far I have proven that to myself. I may not have perfected the application of myself yet. But I have shown myself that I have the ability to change. So this is another step in the journey.
The next step it seems is to really start to look at the specific definitions that I have been living by and why I still believe in the idea of thinking. Why do I still believe that thinking has more to offer then what is here right in front of me staring me in the face, as the real world. The physical world.
So yes I have been seeing myself recently again on a slide within myself to some degree giving into the idea that the mind needs to be entertain to some extent to deal with it, where I have not realized that even this is really another trap I set for myself where, actually the only thing that will effectively deal with the mind is active application in a consistent manner, where each time the mind comes up I take action, simple. I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the mind, and to not lose faith within myself that this will become easier to deal with in time and with consistency.
So what does all this really point to? Fear. Fear of loss. Fear of losing everything that I am used to, of everything that I believe that makes me me. Fear of losing that which I have defined myself as making me a human being, and in this totally ignoring the indicators that are showing me what is really being lost is me as this moment in breathe. That I am making the choice to regard this opportunity to take charge of this present gift of life as myself as the physical reality around me.

So in this I commit myself to push myself through the resistance and fear that I face in which I decide to regard the reality as life as nothing but a factor of boredom because life does not provide me with the energetic fuel that I am so used to and addicted to.

I commit myself to see the reality of the physicality of life where I can actually recognize and respect myself as a being who is able to become whole through the commitment and consistent application of myself in each moment through this life that I have been given.

I commit myself to remember each time I am faced with a moment of self doubt and self degradation towards what I have really placed myself here to do which is to stand up for life, and stand up for and as myself here as physicality as substance.

I commit myself to stop abusing life, as myself through the participation of the mind and instead take that stand seriously and do what I know I am capable of through the proven tools of self forgiveness and self correction, choosing to walk this journey for myself as all as one as equal.


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