Another point to the puzzle is that I have never really believed within myself that I am capable of achieving anything of real value, I have had only idea’s, projections of the mind. There has always been some fundamental point of not viewing within my own eyes that I am capable of changing and being able to be a person who has confidence within myself.
I have mainly sabotaged myself and always taken a backseat approach to my life letting things just come into my world through indirect participation and consistently standing within the idea that things will come to me if I wait. While this has worked in just getting by, but just not making much ripples within my world and I can see how overall this has caused me to be in many situations that I do not actually enjoy or find supportive. Just accepting them as they are because of the belief that I cannot or am unworthy of something better, and am scared of actually being the directive force within my world. Instead just letting things happen to me, and letting my mind walk all over me.
A reinforcing feedback loop where I ended up within situations that are less then expanding and I start to believe within myself that this is all I am worth so I never reach out for more and just wait for something “better” to come along, but what typically happens is I just end up within another situation where I am unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and wanting something better/more. The point rarely comes up of doing the best that I am capable of in any and all situations, regardless of what that is. Or to trust in myself to be a capable person who is willing and able to direct myself into a position in which I am satisfied with, instead of settling for something that benefits another being at my own expense. Never trusting withing myself to push though the self doubt to a place where I can say, “yes, I am good enough for that (position…)”. I constantly downplay myself and tell myself that I am not there yet, instead of saying to myself “while I have plenty of room for improvement, I am fully capable of giving this a shot and finding out what my current limits are.”
So another prominent aspect within this self definition of not being good enough applies to and within the experience of falling. The Desteni process is something that I have been attempting to walk for quite a while now and I keep coming up against the same walls within it. Interestingly enough it really has nothing to do with my capability. It is just a point of like walking for a while getting to a particular point and then just giving up and giving in to the mind, like this is to much or to complex for me so I do not want to do it, its TOOOO HARD. Now within that the point really is only a belief that I choose to give a weight to, I am choosing this belief within my own mind over the practical physical action of standing, and even just doing something. Walking and making that commitment to walking, and pushing through the self doubt that I have been living with for my entire programmed life.
And stepping one step further is like within that point of “I am not good enough”, the real point underneath that is like this fear of that being true. Which is odd (or not so odd really) because its a recipe for a self fulfilling prophecy. And the more/longer I continue to give into these experiences, the more I have gone into myself and been like “hmm, you know your right you aren’t good enough, your fucked, you will never make it”, and it gets HARRRDER. Harder to move myself, harder to start walking again, harder to push through and see the truth. So it makes sense to make the initial efforts to finding the real source of why I really do not want to stand.
And this is really something that I do not even realize that I am doing, because on the outside everything seems normal, like I go through my day at work, write, working through some of the points, yet yielding the actual progress and results that I can see that I WANT are like quite difficult to accomplish, and the consistency is sparse. And I can see here that this is mainly because of the above reason of, “I am not good enough.” And there it goes to show that within the entire process so far there has been this component of never really trusting and giving myself the self confident to walk with me for me, and in that I have always been suppressing myself in and towards that belief of “I will never get past this”, “I will never make it”. And walking in self trust and honesty when operating within suppression I am seeing is really like looking for a needle in a haystack…. in a blizzard. Uncomfortable, and basically impossible, until I choose to stop suppressing.
This process is difficult at times, but at the same time I am realize that there is great value to standing within self where I can begin to respect myself for the first time and within that stop the judgments that I make on myself for all the memories and habits from my past experiences. Walking process has reached a point where the choice is now a moment to moment choice, where the real question is not “Am I good enough?”, the real question is, “Am I going to be here as breathe?”, since that is really the only thing that will indicate that I am choosing what is real and not a belief system.
So a practical solution to utilize would be in those situations to constantly remember to stop the mind whenever I am faced with a situation that I find I would rather just ignore my own self discovery and self realization within process for the mind created illusion of energy experiences and instead choose to just breathe through it allowing the energy of doubt and fear to dissipate and move myself physically throughout this world within the principles of equality and oneness so I can fully trust that I am walking a path that will result in that which will be in the best interest of all.
OK so I will do some self forgiveness on this point in the next post.