Lately I have been attempting to be aware of my breathe more, I find it really challenging and come up to quite a few points of resistance and friction. Its like this constant snapping back and forth. Its interesting to be able to see and notice that point of where I would rather go into my mind and just spin off into imagination, judgment, etc. Its amazing how completely consumed I have become by so many different things. And moving myself through all the nonsense is really quite the task. Getting back to base level I suppose I still have not accepted myself fully as what it actually means to face myself, to let go of thoughts, and remain truly here. My mind always wants to put in some kind of erroneous meaning within thoughts. I keep directing things like all sorts of ideas and what if’s about how to figure all this out, like in the last post I constantly have these “pieces” I never really fully am sure if it is me that is speaking, or it is some fabrication of my own mind. I have not learned that entire distinction yet.
The simple commons sense conclusion to this is again, am I aware of myself breathing? Am I clear. Or is my mind cluttered up? What is my natural state even look like. Well looking at that I am not so sure. So many areas I look to “enhance”, looking to make each moment more then it actually is and in doing that I obviously reduce the moment to less then it is because I am not here in that moment. I keep looking to supercharge the moment with a illusion, the illusion that is energy and the energetic movement of thoughts.
I have not accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied with what is here I am always in a state of desire to “solve” myself, to create this better world and in such I am creating that very platform for myself to remain the same because I have not and am not yet living up to that platform/desire. And besides what is that desire actually standing in for within myself? Just another fear.
It is time that I really stop fucking with myself, I’ve been doing that for so long, I mean yes it is understandable that this process takes time, that I will continue to fall, forget to breathe, get distracted, and participate in the mind, but that really is no excuse to be using as the basis of what I am able to do, what I can do within my day and who I choose to be in each moment. Each missed breathe is a allowance, an allowance that I will have to take account of and forgive at one point and time. Why did I choose to participate, what was I trying to represent within me in that participation, how was I trying to make this moment more then what it actually is here as the physical.
So the next step in this process for me is really to get past the point of making up reasons for why I still give value to the mind, find out what it is that I am really giving attention to in my day to day life and how can I streamline that into the most effective way that will support me in this journey.
What am I willing to give up is the question. Because if I am fundamentally not willing to give everything up that is of the mind then it goes within saying that I am not willing to really live, and not willing to accept myself as this breathe as life as who I really am. I am not fully willing to accept and allow all as one as equal to be a actual self expressive principle in which I live by.
So no tricks, no games, just simple practical living, breathing and enjoying myself within breathing, not as a excitement or happiness that comes and goes rises and falls, but simple enjoyment of myself being here as this moment as the expressions of myself as breathe.
Lots of effort still to be made, but within that I commit myself to not fall back to a place of self dishonest, self deception, and instead focus on and give my attention to living and becoming a unconditionally accountable being, who will stand up for life no matter the situation.