236. Everything is comparison, a blast from the past.

So tonight I had some people over for dinner, another skateboarding couple. One of them is quite talented, sponsored, been in magazines, videos and such. At some point in the night the conversation delved into skateboarding and I started to talk about my experiences within skateboarding. Going to Trinidad and my attempts to push the skate scene in that country. I pulled up some of the videos that I was a had a part in making while I was there.

After they left I found myself pulling up and looking at some skate parts and videos and found myself comparing myself to those times. I haven’t skated for about 6 months now after a injury and making a decision to take it easy, and learn to pay respect to my physical human body more. Within the comparison I noticed quite a bit of anxiousness coming up within those memories from the past. Things like a desire to get back into skating again, to push myself back to that level of skating and beyond again. Like a deep seeded vision of myself still making a impact in that world where I want to DO something in the skate world. I realized in that moment that what was happening is that I was viewing my current situation within a point of loss. I still have not let skating go to the point of it being some kind of self definition in which I totally base my own sense of self view, and self worth within success or talent as a skateboarder. And within that I was looking back at who I used to be and what I was capable of within skating and then comparing with who I am now, seeing myself as something less because I have not been skating.

Now obviously skating itself does not need to be or have some kind of “holy” symbolism within my life or how I view the world, but I have made it so, through the acceptance of skating to hold some special value within my mind, mainly just because of the particular feelings and emotions that it generates for me. And this brings up the question of the validity of those feelings as real. Is the experiences that are generated within skateboarding real? No. Simple. Skateboarding has never been within my own life ever fully been a point of simply enjoying myself. Personally it has always been a point of comparing myself to others, and to myself at other points within my life. Always trying to be something more, catch up, or improve myself. This has invariably lead me to a particular path of actual physical self abuse. Pushing myself beyond the limits that I have prepared myself. And not actually taking into account any sort of caution in that pushing. Now I do not see anything wrong with looking to improve myself within something like skateboarding, but just like anything else, the starting point should be observed and considered. Any time I have face myself within a particular situation where I become physically injured or fatigued within skating it has come from a direct result of following and desiring a feelings response. A longing for myself to achieve something or to “get better”

So the common sense thing to look at here is if I am considering skateboarding, I should be able to break down the actual starting point for why I want to skate, looking at if I actually just want to enjoy myself physically here, and in that take all the precautionary measures to make sure things are done to the safest that I am capable to. Or to see if all I am after is that emotional gratification of generating a experience within the act. One will lead to self satisfaction that is something permanent and safe and the other has always proven to yield short term excitement and “highs” but I can see has always lead down a path of physical consequences.

So I need to become clear on that point first before jumping back into something like skateboarding were the consequence can be swift and unforgiving here in the physical.

I will write more about this point in the next post.

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