237. Everything in comparison. Sf.

237

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become triggered by this other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing skateboarding to occupy a place within my mind still in terms of wanting something more out of it my life.

I forgive myself for accept and allowing myself to not see the design of this system which is really a lust/desire for some kind of greatness, or power, through accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that accomplishment to gain the respect of others is really quite worthless since I am actually not acting within what is self expression but only looking for acceptance from external sources.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am still supposed to make some kind of impact within the skate community.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is simply just in a point of self interest still existent within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be OK with leaving the dream of skateboarding as a career possibility, or being a part of the industry, as something that may or may not happen, and instead use this dream as a point of comparison and self judgment that I use against myself in the present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself now with all the experiences that I have had in the past, and view my world as missing out, being boring, without excitement, in comparison to those times in the past when I was skating most days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become triggered when I am around other beings who are in the skate industry and are able to gain some recognition for there abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what I am really experiencing is jealousy, where I see something that another being has and I compare it to my own life and my own dreams of gaining a particular life and life style.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the idea that to be in that life style of a sponsored skater is something to strive towards because that is what will make me cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the possibility within myself to live dynamically, where I do not actually strive to define myself within certain things like hobbies or activities and in that call myself that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to arrive at this conclusion that skating is something that is cool and that I want to define myself as this coolness by being a good skater, and not seeing how this is actually making a broad comparison with society where most others things that are not skateboarding are not cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define cool as things that are both dangerous and exciting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how my definition of cool has only ever been within and as a point of stimulation of the mind and the generation of energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place some special value within my mind where skateboarding takes on a almost holy aspect to it where above all else skating has been what I value most.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that these things are actually values that are based only within feelings and emotions, where I create a particular experience in accordance with skateboarding and this actually reinforces the belief that skateboarding is “SO COOL” within me and I refuse to let that go or look past it as the end all to be all.

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to never give skateboarding a chance as something where I am actually just able to step back from all the definitions, friction, and pressure of getting better, and secretly moving myself towards a belief that I can make it as a skater. And instead of realizing that all of the those feelings, desires and dreams are not actually something that is real, or that can be equated to actual self enjoyment of myself in the/each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the point of within skateboarding to always try to be something more, catch up to others within comparison or be a part of that team to the point where I push myself beyond common sense, into the realm of physical abuse, ignoring my body and the signals that it is trying to communicate to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that improving myself is wrong and have broken down my relationship within skateboarding to a psychological activity rather then the physical one, and in such through out most of the acknowledgment of caution within my world in skateboarding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not considering the starting point within my relationship to skateboard where I am clear of my intentions and clear of the reasons I have for wanting to take part in skateboarding.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take a common sense approach to skateboarding and put a stop the maniacal lusting after short sighted high and ignoring the physical consequences of what skateboarding entails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only let others around me have the effect of triggering me within my mind due to my own systems of comparisons with other beings, and within that totally disregarding my own self expression and self enjoyment within anything I do, and instead have been only ever reacting to and from how I will look in contrast to other beings.

thanks more in the next post.

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