Here I would like to do a little exploration within my own definition of happiness, what happiness has come to be within my world and what it actually requires to be “happy” within my world.
Happiness is something that I can see has been set to and dependent on certain things taking place within my existence. It is something that has been and continues to be a point that is solely based within how or what I do within my day to day living.
For example, I was talking to my buddy about this point and he clarified that happiness could be simply defined as being a point of contentedness, where there are particular things that I am able to do, have, or achieve in which if these things are fulfilled I become contented within my personal experience and I am happy. Something striking about and within this is how this point then becomes a set of limitations on which I must meet to have this experience of “being happy”. The issue then is where when these conditions are met or in the striving for, or pursuit of these conditions I actually limit my ability to see what is actually best for all, and instead stand within a series of situations where I only strive for what will be best for me only, and my own personal gain, to stimulate this “happiness”.
So, where in lies the self honesty within this point, where does the actuality of myself reside within this? Obviously the pursuit or desire for this personal satisfaction is not in the best interest of all and as a equal expression of life in each moment. The key it as it has been made apparent is not within happiness, but rather within and as a satisfaction within myself to see, realize, and live my actual self potential, seeing how within myself I am able to live up to and express in each moment the real true ability that I am able to wield. Where I forgo just the desire for satisfaction of only myself and my own desires within the emotional response as happiness. Instead realizing where I am actually able to stand in each moment and consider the implications of, and the real ability that I am able to utilize for all, in each breathe.
So something that I am able to work with in my day to day living is moving away from and stopping the reactions that I having in and towards doing the things that I have committed to, and the points that I have made my responsibilities and in this realize that these points are how I will be actually satisfied within my life/world. And letting go of things that are only for the purpose of happiness, because I can see that only doing something for the purpose of happiness is really about creating a ideal situation within my bubble only, I will not be able to see the what is happening in the world as a whole in a constant pursuit of happiness, my personal happiness has no actual tangible bearing on what is happening across the globe, I will not be able to effectively be a force in this world that can enact or catalyze change. In fact in many cases I will prevent it or slow change down because I am neglecting to partake in real solutions, and act against things that would be for the benefit of all. At this stage that would be a even more extensive example of evil, since I can already see the call for action, while others may not be at that stage yet, and are unaware of their potential. I am aware that I am able to be more, do more, apply myself more, be here more every day, and in stepping up and taking a stand I can by proxy stand as example for others to become aware of what they can do. This has been how I have gotten here, through the examples laid down by others walking within their process’s.
The solution here is to find the daily activities within my world that are practical common sense in changing myself to allow me to be more effective, write more, become more revolutionary in my insights. That is the goal here, to bring my world back to basics in which I stop chasing some dreams of a happy and content lifestyle where all the things that make me comfortable are met, but rather finding the things that hold me back from being effective at living, at living here within each breathe and being present, and take them on head first, become accountable for myself and take practical action towards that/them.
This is not to say that I cannot partake in things I enjoy as this is not about denying myself, but rather finding the personal integrity to put the responsibility that I have as a being of equal and one values/principles in the forefront of my focus, there will be time to have some fun but this comes after I am able to effectively form self honesty and self trust within process. If I keep placing the happiness reward in front of my commitments I will get nowhere, but I will be happy from a limited perspective for a time, but it will fade and I will have to generate more happiness over and over in this cyclical fashion.
Also if I can attend to a set of daily responsibilities I may find that I can be more satisfied and accepting of myself then if I was to strive after feelings of happiness, as happiness is still only a mind fuck where the acceptance and allowance of energy is the primary starting point. It cannot be sustained permanently, and is not a permanent way to conduct myself or express myself equal and one here with the physical reality around me, we may have seen those that seem to always be happy can be facing some of the most turbulent internal struggle with self alternatively. I have myself been through this many times where riding the waves of happiness and tribulation towards life and my world and then something happens and it all come crashing to the floor. It cannot be sustained within any sort of integral principle, merely conditions that must be fulfilled. Which is what I am finding so cool about the Desteni process, in which I am receiving and practicing the use of common sense tools to realize myself to be able to actually change myself into a being of principles, and in a way that will lead to permanent solutions within myself. It is not easy, I am not having a easy time within it and am facing much of what I continue to allow to exist within me, but the short time I have been earnestly walking I have noticed small changes which just show me that this is in my court, my relative change is equal and one with how I look/decide to live my life. It is up to me to choose who I would like to be in any given moment, someone who is a equatable to and one with my mind, or here in the moment of breathe, in reality as it stands all around me, aware and present, equal and one with life.
So yes happiness is really something that I will have to decide in the end if it is something that I can give up, for the sake of becoming and maintaining myself as a being of principle or if I will continue chasing after a feeling based experience of myself where everything I do is defined and based within obtaining something for my own self interest. Obviously within my personal process it is not apt to chase but putting that into practice will be a challenge since I have allowed myself to be addicted to that positive feeling and the many things that generate and provide the “solace of happiness.”
Maintaining focus on breathing is really a matter of coming to terms with what is relevant within each moment. The decision of allowing myself to be in the mind or here as breathe is paramount. So what is really holding me back from making that decision, well firstly it is that awareness of when I am looking for fulfillment, most of the time these days when I am participating within the mind it has to do with somewhere I want to be, or something that I see myself wanting to do instead, or absorb my imagination within, and this is a alluring and distracting experience where sometimes/lots of the time I don’t even notice it is going on until, bam, I snap out of it and realize I was just in the mind, not present. Again/as well, this has to do with the boredom factor where I make my imagination more than what is happening around me. And in imagination I always allow the fantasy to reign supreme, it always becomes better then what I am doing within that moment in physical reality, why is that? Also sometimes it is flat out avoidance, still living within and definitions of self explorations/realizations as being somethings that I do not want to do/take because then I have to take responsibility for myself = not fun = not happy.
Another aspect of this happiness point is how within this process I have associated the end goal within it as being some kind of happiness. I can see how I have throughout my life I have identified and placed myself within negativity as the normal position of my self view. For a long time hated and looked down on my life and experience as being “suckworthy”, as the first word that comes up, And within that vantage point I have defined this process as a way out, a way to eventually become happy. Missing the entire purpose within my personal journey. That purpose being to stop the mind entirely. Bringing myself back here from a place of mind to a starting point of nothingness. Rebirthing myself here in the physical, and being satisfied with myself in realizing that I am standing up and doing what I can with no excuses why not to bring about a world that is best for all, something that I am still working on.
These are words I have learned, and have yet to live by. But I will get there as I can see whenever I doubt myself, and doubt my process, I can just stop, and breathe, and for that moment all that fear stops as well. It is just a matter of facing it, instead of trying to run and cover it up underneath a reactionary addiction to the positive happiness bubble. Because I realize that bubble always will burst eventually and I’ll just be right back where I was before.
Alright I’ll go to there for today. I will continue investigating this point with self forgiveness in the next post.