So interrupting my previous posts on happiness I would like to write about something that came up at my work today.
A couple weeks ago I had one of the shelter clients volunteer in the kitchen, everything was quite cool and he was very helpful, helping out for the whole day. The next day he came in and was helping out as well. But was telling me about the pain in his back that he had mentioned previously. I asked him why his back was hurting him so much and he said that he was unable to access his money so that he could pick and pay for his prescription because of the holiday seasons he was not able to go to the bank. I asked him how much his prescription was and he said $20. He ended up asking me if I could lend him the money, at that time I was unable to lend him money as I had taken out the total about of cash from the bank for the day to pay for a deposit on a place, but told him that my partner would be picking me up later and if she had the money still that I could lend him the cash and possibly a ride to get his prescription. So yes she did and we dropped him off and lent him the money. He had promised me that he would have the money for me the next time that I saw him. Since then I have seen him multiple times but he has come up with a excuse each time why he does not have the money. I did not think to much about it and did not really take it personally or make a big deal about it, but I have noticed that he has be avoiding me and has not helped in the kitchen at all since this happened, although I have talked to him and he has given me reason to why this is, assuring me that it is not because of the money or that he is avoiding me assuring me that he has the money, and will get it to me the next time he sees me. On the surface I did not take this to personally or become upset about it, but looking back I can see how something about it was bothering me.
But today, I had another person volunteer in the kitchen who was telling me that he was upset about something that happened to him yesterday involving another person where they did some moving work for a woman and her younger son where the other person that was helping moving had stolen the money that was paid to both of them for helping move, and run away to another shelter.
I mentioned that something similar had happened to me with someone in the shelter and I could somewhat empathize with him. I did not mention any names but he immediately he ask if it was “this” person guessing the person that I had lent money to, and taken aback I confirmed with my body language and then conceded it without considering the ramifications. And that moment has created the issue that I am facing. He told me about how this person had been doing this to others in the shelter and such and proceeded to tell me about how this was so common within shelter life, and to not trust anyone. I told him that I was not really to concerned with the situation and that I had learned that even if the person seems honest and trustworthy that it may not reflect what is really going on underneath it all.
Now this is where things kind of spiraled further downward. After dinner service and I was cleaning up, one of the shelter staff approached me about a situation that was going on in the shelter. Apparently one of the OTHER shelter client who often volunteers in the kitchen had gotten wind of the conversation I had earlier and was on a rampage, was extremely irate and upset about what this being was done to me, saying that he was going to take matters into his own hands for taking advantage of me, and how he was so appreciative of what I do for the shelter in the kitchen and cold not stand this other being taking advantage. The staff member asked me what had happened and I told him what was said and that I had lent this being money. He asked me if I was aware that there was barriers that where not supposed to be cross when dealing with the clients, which I was not aware of but looking back on it makes sense. I began to feel quite ashamed about the whole thing where I could see how this situation was actually due to my negligence and also from the perspective of sharing what had been going on, as well as not being present when being asked about who the situation had been about when speaking about it with the other being.
So within all this there are several points I can see where I was not actually acting within what was best and in that have been confronted with the consequences.
For one I allowed myself to feel sorry for the other being initially when he asked me for the money and did not actually stop to consider if it was acceptable to get involved within another beings affairs, crossing the employee/client line. Secondly I took the fact that I had not been paid back personally on some level where even though I did not become angry or vengeful, I obviously was slighted by it to the degree to see it as a problem or a conflict enough to bring it up with another being. From there I can see how I was attempting to use the scenario to console or compare my scenario with his to de-escalate the reactions going on within that other being, a point of trying to control the situation or perspectives of another which, I can see it quite ridiculous and again looking to gain some kind of experience/acceptance within my world from the beings around me still. Again the point that I did not react clearly, and taking responsibility when the name of the other being was brought up and I was not able to deny or keep the name confidential within my body language firstly and then giving up and admitting that it was him secondly. Continuing down to the point where when confronted by the staff member about the situation I felt ashamed and confused about what to do next about the situation. And in dealing with the being who became angry being timid in my attempt to diffuse the situation.
So yeah kind of a mess. It is interesting to see though through all of this how important it is to be present within each moment in this journey and within my life. Where one moment can really have a compounding effect on reality and how others are living there lives. Up until this point at the shelter, it has not really occurred or come up within a situation where there I have had such a profound effect on how others are conducting themselves. I mean in the grand scheme of this its quite a small example but I can see how within this momentary lapse within my own expression that a whole slue of events and consequences have taken place. And I am sure that this will continue in the next few days to come. The manager of the shelter will have to be notified and I will have to talk with him. So yes it has been a important lesson to learn within keeping my awareness of what is best in each situation as a living principle, and seeing how within the larger world scope how small events can have such profound effects on the large scale.
So I will write some self forgiveness on this event here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for another being within my workplace when they come to me about how they are in financial need, and realize that there are particular guidelines put in place to prevent conflict within the shelter system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I should help any being that comes to me with problems, and in that moment stop and access if it really is acceptable to offer monetary support to another being that I do not really know the back story to, and realize that I may be enabling and encouraging particular behavior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my emotions to rule over me when making decisions about lending money out within the shelter where I place trust in another beings word about medication and drugs.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take personal responsibility by not standing up and saying no, and showing myself that it is OK to set limits within the way that conduct myself towards people staying in the shelter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of investment within other beings well-being and health/pain management.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my sense of self identity in the space of helping others be OK within there world when I do not actually know the entire story, and if they may or may not be using the money for self abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed and slighted when faced with another being staying true to their word and paying back he money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then use this experience as a point of sympathizing with another being about their situation in trying to gain that beings acceptance and trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the ramifications of sharing this information with another being beforehand and only think about myself within that moment where I was attempting to befriend this other being in another attempt to help the second being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the self interested starting point of my actions where I am only really looking to gain another beings approval wherein I want to show the other being “the way” and in that disregarding any limits or barriers to where to draw the line in my digression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize my mistake to late after the point of releasing the information into the public arena.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be aware of my body language in the moment of being asked about who it was that I had lent money to, and not seeing how this body language was in that moment a confirmation of the blame and personal anger that I felt about the situation with the other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then have a giving up within myself and admitting to who it was that had done this with the other being asking.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how I had actually been denying myself about how I was bothered and reactive within myself about the situation with the initial being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny responsibility to keep my personal interactions with other beings confidential and in this allowing the creation of a expanding scenario of consequences to unfold.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shameful towards myself for creating this problem within the shelter and placing myself within the position at the central focus of the conflict for others to build upon.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as the “bad guy” in this situation for not being able to keep my mouth shut, and in this create the opportunity for gossip to come up within the community of people at the shelter despite the beings “taking my side” so to speak and not seeing how sides are really irrelevant in this situation but is in fact occurring because I was not able to remain present in breathe in consecutive moments dealing with the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see how not being present hold the potential for extreme cases of separation within and as how other beings within my world express and perceive themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being punished for my actions and in such fear reprisal from the other beings involved, the staff, and the initial being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to be the dominant factor in how I will take action and responsibility for how I will deal with the situation from here further.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that things that are said in light can still have a extremely potent reaction within the minds of other beings even though they actually have no direct connection with the situation going on, and that the way that I handle and react to specific events in my world can trigger other beings dramatically strongly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what comes next.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself from the respect of being the cause of a series of events within the shelter and take the weight of what others have chosen to do with what has been expressed by me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only feel shame about the situation and not see the lesson that has been provided within this event, and see how I can stop myself, and direct myself differently the next time something similar happens.
Also I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to paint myself as being a horrible person for instigating this situation, and not allowing myself to realize that I just made some mistakes, and that I am able to correct myself and the situation by standing up and taking responsibility for my actions, taking my mistakes on head first and addressing the beings involved where I see it is necessary to do so, learning from this event and not allowing myself to repeat this type of mistake in the future.
OK I will write corrective statements for this in the next post.