250. Its me.

Like in the last post I made about writing from the mind. I have been having some difficulty in seeing myself with some clarity lately.

I had my chat last night and I mentioned that I was still facing some point of depression. I can see that with my application there is this aspect of polarity existent where I am trying to almost force the realizations to come forth. Within that I experience friction with myself like I have to constantly push for self expression, which really is not self expression, or not in the sense of being totally open and unprojected self expression. All within a response to this depression point.

So my buddy suggested to me within that point of depression to look for the point of blame. I considered this later that night and realized looking around the neighborhood of brand new house where I recently moved to the basement of one. In that moment it hit me that what I was depressed about was me. There is/was this underlying point of failure within me. I was blaming myself for not being what I expected of myself. I was not living up to the dreams that I have/had for myself. I was not living my actual potential, and within that all these points came up about desires, and dreams.

I feel helpless in the face of these things and create my own personal hell through the failure of my ambitions. And within that I create this climbing out of hell scenario that must take place for me to walk my process.

Focus on writing out these points. Why do I feel like I have failed myself? What are the specifics on what I have desired within my life that I have not fulfilled. This is what is making me depressed, this is what I am having this climbing out of a pit experience for.

.The relationship I have had with myself through-out my life where I have never really followed through with anything to the point of committing to something with integrity. In school I just stopped caring about making myself something of value, learning or seeing that education was about making myself aware. This was all in a response to my upbringing, I was punishing my parents through punishing myself, lashing out in the only way that I knew how or felt natural.

Now the repercussions have caught up to me where the point is that I am not where I would like to be, I am judging me for those decisions and wishing/desiring to have another chance. Well that chance has always been here, just buried under the thoughts/feelings/emotions that come up from this belief/idea of myself as this character of failure. I have the opportunity to take up directive ability within myself and my life and start living from a point of true potential, I just have to stop the mind.

So finding the potential for change within how I have chosen to blame and belittle my situation is the actual point of what I can do within my world. To stop judging myself for where I am at now, and instead start working with what I have accepted and allowed up to this point. That is the key, first accepting my situation and working with that. Seeing what I am practically capable of now and see how I can best utilize my capabilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I am facing is difficulty in seeing myself with clarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this difficulty is anything more the my mind and a unwillingness to face myself as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be subject to and be ruled by a feeling of depression where I do not stand up within that projection of myself and seek out and realize the true nature of this feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead just give into the feeling to the extent to where I make the choice to not take action within writing out the point in practical application and self forgiveness of the point and within that taking revenge on the ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to my ego as the mind and allowing myself to place myself in a inferior position to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I give into the mind I will always experience the act of self expression to be within a starting point of friction because I do not allow and accept myself to be here within breathe in oneness and equality within physical existence as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to see how within this the writing will always become a act of pushing and not a actual self expression that I enjoy and view as something that do for the benefit of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the act of writing to become a threat because I see it as something that will interrupt the current mode of how I experience me within consciousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the con that consciousness represent because it is always within and as the relationships that I form within my mind to the present moment within writing and within how I conduct myself with other beings.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that acting and walking within the point of belief in depression within myself is not actually self expression because it is not open and free from projected ideas of myself and others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this point is all in a relation of this point of depression where i condemn myself to experience me within this con.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the simplicity of the situation where what I can do practically in the face of depression is to look for the source of it. Look for the point of where I blame my current situation on particular factors and requirements that dictate my experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my experience to be only a set of defining requirements/criteria to be able to experience and view myself as being OK/happy/positive about how I view myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how within my observation of the world around me I look and view the things around me only from a point of desire/lack and comparison/competition with what others have and how I have not actually been able to manifest these things/conditions for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my past as the reason why I do not have these things.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself for realizing that it is actually me that is/has been responsible for what I have and have not created/allowed to manifest within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a experience of negativity/friction to/about the things that I see around me and within this based my solution on/in the procurement of these things/conditions to apparently be OK/content/happy within myself by creating a “more” experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in this “more as me” experience and to not realize that this is actually just a point of greed which is only a experience that is base within and as a fear of death/survival by creating and latching onto the experience of maintaining a life that fulfill particular conditions to my personal comfort only.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “who I am” as the attainment and maintenance of my dreams of myself as being more, wherein this is the foundational self definition of success to me, and within this I have viewed myself as failing to attain these dreams and therefore view myself as a negative self view.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this failure experience to be the point of comparison that I use to create and manifest my experience where I constantly compare where i am in life to where I believe myself should be, and in this create a endless cycle of non self acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless in the face of this depression, wherein I feel like I will never obtain what it is that I desire, in this never stopping to see or realize that what I am really desiring is life, but have instead given the value of life to particular material possessions and within the generation of security of self within money.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to create a self contained hell within the belief in/of my convictions about what is really valuable and not actually realizing the ACTUAL gift of life I am able to give to myself through the tools of self forgiveness, self corrective application and stopping the mind from creating a experience of myself within polarity instead of being able to remain here stable within each moment as awareness in breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within this to create a experience of myself within process as being more then it actually is where I have myself created a experience of me within and as myself in hell. And never stopping to see/admit that I am the one that is creating this hell through the belief and generation of the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that make this hell experience real within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this walking out of hell experience to be a definition of my process where it has become something that I must OVERCOME to actually walk my process, not seeing how within this belief of having to overcome something within myself that I can/am creating more obstacles for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the truth within the matter where I will face points within my mind that will be challenging and require me to push through them but within this giving into the definition that this entire process is something that is of/as hell that I must climb out of is really making my process more difficult then it has to be.
But truth be told this is only me, I am creating it all, I am really the one to blame, I can only be the one that can change me, so the common sense move is to just stop, be practical, breathe, and focus on whats here in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the one to blame for the existence of and generation of these feelings, and not stopping long enough to see the point of commonsense where within this if I am creating the situations that I am the one who can, and should be able to stop them and walk myself out of such blame, and shame.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down long enough to bring myself back to a point of simplicity and walk through the self definitions of desire/lack, regret/shame, and instead focus myself here within breathe, and what is physically around me in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the feeling of failure towards myself and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in this because I simply do not see that it is because I do not have the things that I desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within regret and resentment towards myself and those that I have interacted with in relationships over the course of myself life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the specifics how the lack of money within my life has been the primary cause and point of blame in why I am not able to direct myself within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my fiscal position in life for the failure of all other areas of myself where I belief and give energy to the belief that if I had more money that ever area of my life would magically improve.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never realize that my situation in and towards money is actually within reverse of this wherein if I am able to take the time and focus to develop myself as a clear and stable being that the point of money will itself become more stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing therefore to blame the money within my world for the root of my hell, instead of learning directly from my past experiences as seeing how I have squandered, and still continue to squander money and within such am creating this situation/mentality of lack within my world instead of take actual responsibility for my choices and actions.
For one the major point is money of course. Never having enough money. And probably this is what many of the other points link back to and trace back to within the relationships that I have with other beings.

OK. That’s all for today I will pick this point up again tomorrow.

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