261. The small things.

I have noticed this tendency within myself to make things so much bigger then they have to be, within my ability to write and direct me I notice that there is this inherent belief that I must find the big points and work on those first, the profound points. But I am seeing that within this I have this overwhelming experience where I at times just end up getting lost, feeling like I am repeating myself many times, missing the real points within it…etc. I am not clear, and within all this I am spending a lot of time writing about certain things because to me it seems like they are good things to write about but really what I noticed is that this process is about walking within a set of principles within my daily life. That should be the main focus within my process of myself, and basically all points about how the world functions will always lead back to those principles of equality and oneness anyways, THAT is how the world will change to one best for all, when we all walk within principle for ourselves. It does not matter how profound “I” am lol. In actuality what is really going on is I am just looking for some stimulation within my writing, some excitement, which is kinda bonkers and backwards since that is not what this process is about.

So something to remember here within my daily experience is to always keep the basics at the forefront, I will always be able to get around to the big picture at any time, so not to rush into things that will really only tempt me to antagonize myself. I can just relax and walk through my day with ease instead of just feelings of needing to write something “AMAZING”. Through this I will be able to better find my timeline within where I am at. I will not go off on tangents about things that I see as important to write about. And as my buddy has mentioned, its not like my mind is going anywhere, until I face it.

So some things that I can see have been working for me are slowing down my experience of myself within any given time, like when I notice that things are getting hectic I am always able to slow myself down and just breathe and pay attention to that. Stopping my participation within things in my life that only exist as a point of stimulation. Smoking for example has been a tough one to let go of and while I have done some writing on this point previously, I can see that sometimes I just have to walk through these points and stop the behavior and then I can look at what is holding me back from changing from a different perspective. I can see that sometimes it is just that initial push to stop sometime that will be the most difficult part as with my weed addiction in my mind I was convinced that I could not stop, this just who I was and who I would remain. But once a decision to stop was made then it was like OK…what was that all about, because this is not nearly as bad as I was making it out to be within my head. As my buddy has told me as well. Actions will always follow the decision. So it is obviously about a point of just trusting self and walking the point through to completion.

Something that I have noticed the is not effective is where I allow myself to make something a particular center of my attention and focus. Again a example is within my addiction to smoking where within stopping this point I have allowed myself to be convinced that I cannot handle it and cannot stop totally, I make/made it the central focus of my day where I actually place that as a point where I look forward to and place as the times during my day where I am most “stable” which is really bizarre and backwards because it is showing that is actually the least stable because I have yet been unable to stand firm within every moment, and continuing to make smoking the most important “me time” proves that.

So within this I am able to see that within these small points where I give up my self directive ability to stand stable, I am giving up on my entire process, where I say to myself OK you are able to take this small point of separation as a REWARD for doing something else, or OK I will stand, but only after I go for this smoke.

Most of the time this has not worked out very effectively wherein the point of smoking and inhaling the smoke especially creates this tiredness and fuzziness within myself where I make it harder to focus on the things that I need to do. This is clearly evident where I have made it a point until very recently to stay up very late so I can smoke, pushing back my writing until late into the night so I can use smoking as a point of stability within writing without bothering my partner, rather then committing myself to getting writing done earlier in the day. This has left me tired in the morning and waking up just on time to go for work where I am constantly rushing out the door. So it is plain to see that this point of putting my energetic habits and addictions as the central focus of my days really has a effect on my ability to direct myself effectively. This is not only limited to the smoking point though it goes for everything where I continue to procrastinate on directing myself in carrying out my self commitments and responsibilities that I have made for/with myself. Watching TV or playing games are other examples even things like cutting my fingernails or cleaning up the house while are perfectly reasonable things to do get used as a excuse to distract and push back other things like writing my blog, doing my dip assignments or reading other blogs and listening to interviews podcasts. Those things that are like daily things that I am responsible for doing for the maintenance of a normal life are used as a weapon against myself in working on the journey that I have undertaken to bring myself back to life from this being who is free from living only within energy. Even things that would normally be beneficial to me like watching documentaries (on war for instance) where I would be able to educate myself have become simply something to fill in an waste time that I KNOW that could be used for walking my process with effectiveness.

Something that I see as a solution to all of this is observing myself within the simple things that I do each day and REALLY look at why I am doing something, where I can be self honest about something like washing the dishes. Am I doing this because I really need to do the dishes now or am I doing it because I see that I am avoiding doing my assignment, and within that looking to make myself FEEL good about doing the dishes to mask the fact that I am avoiding something that I have committed myself to walk.

So within this the simple point is to become self honest within everything that I choose to do within my day and sloooow myself down when I see myself wanting to run off and do something to occupy my time rather then remaining self honest and directive within my point of walking process.

I see how this point is very subtle and has this point of self denial that runs in tandem with with the point of pushing myself to work on myself. I know that there are points within my personal activities that I would like to explore, and some things that I can choose to do that are just for fun, but the point remains to become more and more self honest with the things that I do so I can reach a point of being completely satisfied with what I am able to accomplish during each day that I have been gifted here. Like the staying up late thing for example, I know within myself that I am more effective in the mornings, I am a morning person in actuality, but I have been forcing myself to be a night person through this point of not wanting to give up my habit of smoking at night. I realize that if I just stop that habit, and give myself more time to sleep I can wake up much earlier and instead of rushing around to get out the door I am able to give myself time, start my blog in the morning, eat a breakfast before 10-12 and really support my physical body by being well rested, rather then constantly being tired and FORCING myself to do all the commitments I have undertaken. Changing the way that I experience myself within my process from one of being a chore and struggle to one where I am prepared, and dedicated to those commitments.

OK I’ll continue with self forgiveness and self corrective statements tomorrow.

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