So my internet was out for the past few days, and I have done some writing but not as much as I see that I could have.
I wrote some more about the point that I was working on before but I reach a point and really kind of “lost it”.
So here I am going to write about a point of blockages, I can see the potential within myself to form a trustworthy walking point. I see that point but keep running into this blockage where I just cannot quite get past sometimes.
I want to find out what this is all about, since I have done quite a bit of writing about this already, the point of just writing that is. I mean I am at a dead end on why I am still making it a point of forcing myself to do this rather then it be something that I enjoy.
I get bored I guess. I long for that distraction. When I know that I have time to work on my writing I will just always push it unto later. Turn on the game or something instead. I see that I have made a lot of progress so far, but in self honest examination of myself this is a real problem for me in the long term, I will not be able to be a effective force if I do not sort this out.
I do see that within a lot of what I am facing now it really stems from a negative self view, where I am constantly judging myself for my current failures, mistakes, and acts of separation. And from there I just punish myself internally, and call it even and move on but not really looking at why?? Why am I doing this to myself and to others? And in the question of asking why I can open it up and take a honest look at myself.
Slowing down and really focusing on what is really happening within this moment. I notice that a lot of the time I keep putting so much stuff above and beyond this moment when it come down to importance that I get sooooo messed up internally like this constant worrying aspect of myself, and within that I just keep looking at ways to escape from that worrying by adding something else to it, or distracting myself from it by forms of entertainment.
I have been having a lot of internal friction lately about what I see myself doing in terms of money/work/career, and I have had quite a few idea’s about this I wrote about it, but I have not wrote about it just for me. What would I be satisfied with? Where would I be satisfied within myself and what I can do? Where does my potential lie. I see that I have been carrying around this idea that potential is something that is akin to a dream, and my dream has morphed into this super rich mega human of some kind hahaha.
But dreams do not match reality, I see that I hold a desire to know all kinds of information, or rather I desire to hold that information now, like learning about chemistry fascinates me, but I just get bogged down with doing the actual work that is involved with actually making that a reality within my world.
Or for instance I got involved with a fledgling political party of which I was unfamiliar with the literature at the time, eager for change within the world I did not realize how much I would have to read, on a subject that I do have come to realize is not compatible with the principles presented within the desteni material.
So again it comes down to forming a routine that I can trust, something that I have committed to within myself to do every day, and within that making every day a step towards more awareness of myself. I have to stop placing myself in positions that are a reaching out grasping at something to give me self trust, when in actuality it is sometimes that I have to learn and walk within my own life first before I can start getting involved in earnest with other things. Not to say I have to wait within me to make moves and try new things or get involved but to recognize where I stand and for what I stand and make that the starting point of how I choose to move within my life instead of lusting after some dream of fame or riches in the name of equality, oneness, and freedom. To recognize what is the potential of myself in each moment rather then the potential of myself within a dream of who I desire to be within my mind. That is the difference that could use a investigation.
So I will stop there for tonight. I see what it is that I can be doing to work through these points and finally take a stand within myself. So I will push myself a little harder to see the edge of where my potential is at any given moment and strive for that. And remembering that the key to all of this is really within breathe. This moment in breathe is really the only thing that matters and is real, and from that breathe is my platform from which I then walk from.