I went for a open interview the other day and during the actual interview, or right before actually I was quite nervous.
I was doing my best to stay calm, breathe, started to do some self forgiveness in the waiting room.
I suppose the reason why I was getting nervous had to do something with like a fear of not getting the job, or really not knowing what to say or how I would answer the questions. So a fear of the unknown, or uncertainty of the situation, typically in the past I have really been quite security based what it comes to working and money. I do not like to feel like my income is uncertain, or not guaranteed. I’m sure many people are the same in this, but some I know are more willing to take risks and live on commissions for example. This historically is not me, and so I see how this crosses over within other areas of my life like going for interviews or asking a girl out on a date haha.
In this example of going for this interview I can see how I had placed this particular interview on a higher pedestal since it was for a cooking job in a large hotel, and it was not a typical pub kitchen job so I was pushing myself outside of my experiential range and comfort zone in that sense. So that is one point to consider where I make a job a point of superiority to myself.
So coming up to the building I was fairly calm, remembering to breathe, but there was a growing sense of nervousness the closer and closer that I got to actually going for the interview. In the past this would be for like days before I would start getting nervous and projecting all sorts of things about what could go on and scenarios that could happen, and within this current experience I noticed that as well, but at a much reduced scale, I for the most part noticed when I was projecting and stopped it, but I suppose the damage was done so to speak, I had already inserted that self doubt in there. while sitting in the wait area with the hundred or so others applying for various positions I was noticing the difficulty that I was having remaining calm. I had to really pay attention and bring myself back to breathe every few seconds, my hands would start to become sweaty whenever I would start thinking about what could happen and what was going on within my mind.
I was trying my best just to remain here, I had to keep myself focused on the room around me, looking around at the setup, the architecture (it was a old but extravagant building), as well as all the people that was in there with me.
When I was called up for my interview, I my keys accidentally fell out of my pocket and although this was embarrassing, it kind of snapped me out of the nervousness as I was able to just laugh at myself. In the interview I was still a little bit nervous I shortly calmed down and relaxed and noticed that it was not such a big deal as I made it out to be, which is usually the situation that I face within interviews. So I just did my best to answer her questions and smiled and made a few jokes.
So it goes to show how I made the situation much greater then it really was. Why this is generally I have noticed is because of the situations that I have had within the past where I constantly do not feel at ease when I am placing myself within a situation where I have to express my own sense of self worth.
Obviously this is only happening within my mind, but locating the reasons/triggers as to why, is not immediately apparent to me, so I will do some exploration within self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous when faced with the situation of going for a job interview.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing not getting the job, or messing up the opportunity to get the job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future about how the interview might go, as a reflection of the past experiences that I have had within interviews, and try within my mind to go over all the different scenarios that might come up so as to minimize the nervousness.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how this projection is actually a way for me to highlight to myself all the things that could go wrong, and within that project the point of failure within myself and actually create the nervousness within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the main point of fear about not getting the job is based within and a fear of survival where I have place this particular job in and as a position of paramount where its all or nothing when it comes to getting this opportunity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this fear is about gaining a opportunity to gain more security within my life by getting a better job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as this job where I see this as THE opportunity to further my growth within my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a exaggerated value of this job, where I make it the only opportunity at hand to further myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sense of self worth within a job that provides the feeling of security.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus see this job as the pinnacle of opportunities available to me currently because I have been unable to accept myself as someone who is able to take risks within my work life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this personal dogma to interfere with all the other areas of my life where instead of pushing the boundaries I have set for myself I instead look for the most comfortable option of least resistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realized that the unwillingness to step outside of, and push myself beyond my comfortable zone, is what is really keeping me trapped within the same cycles of work and living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this position as something that is greater then myself and by not realizing this have placed it within a position outside of what I am comfortable with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as valuable enough to put myself outside of my comfort zone.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have faith within myself as the ability to learn and adapt to a position outside of my experience, and within this make the situation/prospect of looking for a job outside of my comfort zone something that is difficult or impossible to see myself within.
I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to live within a set of limitation within myself based solely on my past experiences with work and within that do not actually trust myself and my ability to push through the difficult moments where I am face with the point of failure, and making mistakes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as nervousness when faced with that prospect of failure within the point of being interviewed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by another being within the interview and not realize that this is directly a point of not fully accepting me as self trust and confidence within myself about my abilities as a cook and within my ability to express myself within the interview.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and angry towards myself when I notice how often I have to bring myself back to breathe and remain calm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become embarrassed within myself for becoming nervous.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the projections of what could happen and what could go wrong overwhelm my ability to remain present and calm within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not been completely present within my physical body and allow the energy of nervousness and fear to overwhelm me to such an extent that I lose control of my physical functioning where my hands would become sweaty and I would fumble with my keys.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just be easy on myself within this situation, and within the experience of nervousness and fear make out the situation to become more intense and bigger then it actually is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear justifying my self worth in and to others, and within those situations not see how I have programmed myself as a inferior being where I do not actually have self trust within those situations of point myself in the spotlight and highlighting myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to first understand that this inadequacy is really based within a uncertainty of who I really am as a person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forgo the step of ever really asking myself the questions that will lead me to really get to know who I am, and within that I merely stand in those situations as a point of projection of who I would like to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the nervousness that I experience when expressing things about myself therefore is really a form of guilt since on some level I do not actually believe everything I am saying, or I feel like I am embellishing what I am saying about myself since I have not fully created myself in total clarity yet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then just feel like I have to lie about myself to get a job and thus am always going into these situations within a previously constructed set of guilty self definitions.
I forgive myself for not first accepting and allowing myself to become clear within me who I really am and what I stand for and then realize that this would be the starting point of self trust and learn to work within and express myself from that starting place.
Ok I will pick this up next time.