275. Job hunting nervousness.

I went for a open interview the other day and during the actual interview, or right before actually I was quite nervous.
I was doing my best to stay calm, breathe, started to do some self forgiveness in the waiting room.

I suppose the reason why I was getting nervous had to do something with like a fear of not getting the job, or really not knowing what to say or how I would answer the questions. So a fear of the unknown, or uncertainty of the situation, typically in the past I have really been quite security based what it comes to working and money. I do not like to feel like my income is uncertain, or not guaranteed. I’m sure many people are the same in this, but some I know are more willing to take risks and live on commissions for example. This historically is not me, and so I see how this crosses over within other areas of my life like going for interviews or asking a girl out on a date haha.

In this example of going for this interview I can see how I had placed this particular interview on a higher pedestal since it was for a cooking job in a large hotel, and it was not a typical pub kitchen job so I was pushing myself outside of my experiential range and comfort zone in that sense. So that is one point to consider where I make a job a point of superiority to myself.

So coming up to the building I was fairly calm, remembering to breathe, but there was a growing sense of nervousness the closer and closer that I got to actually going for the interview. In the past this would be for like days before I would start getting nervous and projecting all sorts of things about what could go on and scenarios that could happen, and within this current experience I noticed that as well, but at a much reduced scale, I for the most part noticed when I was projecting and stopped it, but I suppose the damage was done so to speak, I had already inserted that self doubt in there. while sitting in the wait area with the hundred or so others applying for various positions I was noticing the difficulty that I was having remaining calm. I had to really pay attention and bring myself back to breathe every few seconds, my hands would start to become sweaty whenever I would start thinking about what could happen and what was going on within my mind.
I was trying my best just to remain here, I had to keep myself focused on the room around me, looking around at the setup, the architecture (it was a old but extravagant building), as well as all the people that was in there with me.

When I was called up for my interview, I my keys accidentally fell out of my pocket and although this was embarrassing, it kind of snapped me out of the nervousness as I was able to just laugh at myself. In the interview I was still a little bit nervous I shortly calmed down and relaxed and noticed that it was not such a big deal as I made it out to be, which is usually the situation that I face within interviews. So I just did my best to answer her questions and smiled and made a few jokes.

So it goes to show how I made the situation much greater then it really was. Why this is generally I have noticed is because of the situations that I have had within the past where I constantly do not feel at ease when I am placing myself within a situation where I have to express my own sense of self worth.
Obviously this is only happening within my mind, but locating the reasons/triggers as to why, is not immediately apparent to me, so I will do some exploration within self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous when faced with the situation of going for a job interview.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing not getting the job, or messing up the opportunity to get the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future about how the interview might go, as a reflection of the past experiences that I have had within interviews, and try within my mind to go over all the different scenarios that might come up so as to minimize the nervousness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how this projection is actually a way for me to highlight to myself all the things that could go wrong, and within that project the point of failure within myself and actually create the nervousness within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the main point of fear about not getting the job is based within and a fear of survival where I have place this particular job in and as a position of paramount where its all or nothing when it comes to getting this opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this fear is about gaining a opportunity to gain more security within my life by getting a better job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as this job where I see this as THE opportunity to further my growth within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a exaggerated value of this job, where I make it the only opportunity at hand to further myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sense of self worth within a job that provides the feeling of security.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus see this job as the pinnacle of opportunities available to me currently because I have been unable to accept myself as someone who is able to take risks within my work life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this personal dogma to interfere with all the other areas of my life where instead of pushing the boundaries I have set for myself I instead look for the most comfortable option of least resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realized that the unwillingness to step outside of, and push myself beyond my comfortable zone, is what is really keeping me trapped within the same cycles of work and living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this position as something that is greater then myself and by not realizing this have placed it within a position outside of what I am comfortable with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as valuable enough to put myself outside of my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have faith within myself as the ability to learn and adapt to a position outside of my experience, and within this make the situation/prospect of looking for a job outside of my comfort zone something that is difficult or impossible to see myself within.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to live within a set of limitation within myself based solely on my past experiences with work and within that do not actually trust myself and my ability to push through the difficult moments where I am face with the point of failure, and making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as nervousness when faced with that prospect of failure within the point of being interviewed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by another being within the interview and not realize that this is directly a point of not fully accepting me as self trust and confidence within myself about my abilities as a cook and within my ability to express myself within the interview.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and angry towards myself when I notice how often I have to bring myself back to breathe and remain calm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become embarrassed within myself for becoming nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the projections of what could happen and what could go wrong overwhelm my ability to remain present and calm within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not been completely present within my physical body and allow the energy of nervousness and fear to overwhelm me to such an extent that I lose control of my physical functioning where my hands would become sweaty and I would fumble with my keys.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just be easy on myself within this situation, and within the experience of nervousness and fear make out the situation to become more intense and bigger then it actually is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear justifying my self worth in and to others, and within those situations not see how I have programmed myself as a inferior being where I do not actually have self trust within those situations of point myself in the spotlight and highlighting myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to first understand that this inadequacy is really based within a uncertainty of who I really am as a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forgo the step of ever really asking myself the questions that will lead me to really get to know who I am, and within that I merely stand in those situations as a point of projection of who I would like to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the nervousness that I experience when expressing things about myself therefore is really a form of guilt since on some level I do not actually believe everything I am saying, or I feel like I am embellishing what I am saying about myself since I have not fully created myself in total clarity yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then just feel like I have to lie about myself to get a job and thus am always going into these situations within a previously constructed set of guilty self definitions.

I forgive myself for not first accepting and allowing myself to become clear within me who I really am and what I stand for and then realize that this would be the starting point of self trust and learn to work within and express myself from that starting place.

Ok I will pick this up next time.

274. Seeing what I have to do.

I see the problem here within myself. Baseline I just do not want to work hard to figure myself out. I can see and I realize things easily when I apply myself, but moving myself through the resistance is something that I continue to struggle. I do not fully want to give up the mind, which I suppose is natural from the perspective of that is the great con within that consciousness. So I should stop blaming myself in that area.
I can see see many of the connections and the categories in which I still define myself within, I just kind of go “ohhh, hey that’s there”, but I do not move into the next step of writing it out. Getting it out and doing the self forgiveness. Doing the effort involved. I still see this point as work instead of a self movement, self communication, self understanding and self expression.

So mapping out the mind is something that I can put forth to further understand myself. Its something that I have put off for so long now and never really gave much attention to. I can see how this would allow me to just move through the points that I am still facing in a more organized way. And just allowing me to see what I have to do still within my process is a less cerebral way.

One of the other problems I have faced is where I will see something and then moments later I have forgotten what it was that I realized, or wanted to write about later, etc. So writing it all down would really support me in just seeing how the flow and connections of my mind is functioning at this stage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue struggling within myself with resistance to writing out my mind, and organizing all of the systems within myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully give up the mind as of yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to block out the point that this unwillingness to give up the mind is something that will be continuously faced throughout my process if I continue to blame and judge myself within that area.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of the this position that I have given myself where I am able to actually see and give myself another chance through changing the way that I life my life each day.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to view process as a point of self expression and self communication through movement rather then just simply work, and within that holding the idea of work as a negative charge within the concept of effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how all of the points/connections/categories within myself that I see and do not act upon simply will just continuously loop around within my experience of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing self forgiveness as the way to clear out and work through those self definitions, and within that not seeing or utilizing methods that will work for me within my own process of self rediscovery.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take everything that I see as movements down when ever that I can and within this start mapping out the mind so as to realize where I actually stand within me.

So when and as I see myself still postponing and delaying myself walking within my process I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back within the moment and ask myself what was this that brought me out of equality and oneness with breathe.

I commit myself to take notes, write down the points that I see and if I am able to start working within self forgiveness in the moment or if not to take note of the point for a later time where I am able to explore that point in more detail.

When as as I see myself not really wanting to give up the experiences of the mind, I stop myself and breathe and have a look at what it is specifically about those experiences that I do not want to give up, or how I feel like I will be losing something by not participating within them.

I commit myself to walk a new path by stopping the desire to still experience mind constructs.

I commit myself to take on the constructs through practical means which means to stop allowing myself to just let those things pass through my mind without really taking any action towards them. Instead I commit myself to write as much as I can about the points and constructs that I still participate within.

I commit myself to realize the gift of self forgiveness in which I am recreating myself and no longer allow me as a separate self interested consciousness to reign control over my decisions.

I commit myself to utilize this gift to stop the feedback loops of the systematic self definitions within myself, and instead start standing and taking action in which ever way possible.

When and as I see myself worrying about the extent of work/effort that has to go into this process, I stop myself and breathe, recognizing that this is a matter of making myself real, and self honest.

I commit myself to work and walk through all the worrying points so I no longer have to push so hard to move myself through this process, and instead start walking within it with more confidence about what my real direction should/can be.

I commit myself to map my mind so I can clearly find the path that I took to bring myself to this point and then work through it backwards so as to first work within what is coming up daily primarily and then just work through the memories and events, definitions and fears.

I commit myself to this task as I can see that this is what I need to do to become whole as life once again.

I commit myself to the understanding that I am whole and that the only thing that is stopping me from realizing that is my own mind holding me back within itself.

273. Denying myself the change.

Self denial. I am going to right about how I always just deny myself the opportunity to actually form trust with myself. I have always just sabotaged me. I have always just allowed myself to take the easiest route through my life. I have always told myself that I am not good enough, or the moment is not right, I am not ready to change.

I have to stop this habitual laying down of myself, where I deny within myself a knowing, a realizing, and continuous self movement within myself where I take charge of me, where I am the one leading me within my life and make the decisions where i will inevitably come out within a situation that is best for me, and in that I will start to realize where I am walking within the context of what is best for all. Because so far nothing has really work, placing this idea of what is best for all in front of me has only really given me a sense of guilt within myself where I am comparing myself against this idea.

That it is only a idea. I formed an idea about what is best for all rather then looking at myself and understanding and acting on staying present, stopping my mind, and breathing. And within that idea I made me inferior, not worth, evil, awful, terrible, etc, without stopping to realize that this is the mind, this is the ego, this is me accepting the ego, and not really understanding where I should really be able to stand within me. That is the reality of the evil within me, it is a choice and has always been a choice.

So I suppose the point within this point is to stop being and standing within denial about who I am, and what I am capable of. I have to trust me to walk, if I am within a constant starting self view of not trusting that I can do this, that I can move through this process, if at every hiccup I am convinced that I will not make it I am just fucking with myself, and it just loops that way.

I have to stop using all these words trying to convince myself that this is who I am now. Just get back to basics and start focusing on breathing, working with the points one at a time and stop the judgment of myself within these up and down moments. Those moments are there to allow me to see where I need to apply me, as the directive self, push through the resistance to do that and just walk for myself.

When I try and convince myself that I am these words that I spit out as a response/reaction to where I really see myself, that’s just a point of denial, I am trying to cover up the real me as I have allowed me to build. I am not taking real responsibility, I am not accepting me to heal for real. And that’s a problem.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in a state of self denial through the use of judgment of me against equality and oneness as a idea that I have come up with in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the real point of self movement which is about me find me, and looking at my life so far and learning how to work through each of the moments that I have just pushed to the side in favor of the easy road.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always choose that road because I never believe within myself as a point of self faith and trust to work through all of the “I cant’s” and see that these are actually only “I will not’s”.

I forgive myself for holding myself in the same positions as always for the simple reason that I am unsure of where to walk. Unsure of where to place myself against this self defining judgment of being a evil, grotesque person. And never stopping to see how this is only ever a choice where I accept or decline the option to participate within this belief and self definition.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take up the self integrity to move myself out of that limited starting point and learn to walk, learn to for trust and stop the idea that I cannot do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that this is first and foremost taking place in my mind, and that every time that I choose to participate I am really only giving power to the mind, and diminishing my own ability to stand, and really just making things harder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Desteni words as a like a “get out of jail card” where I just using those words as like to make it seem like I have changed more then I actually see myself changing. Not realizing that I am just pandering a image/illusion of me and that this will not actually lead anywhere except to the places I have always been.

So when and as I see myself denying me the opportunity to take real and immediate charge of my life, I stop myself and breathe and within that breath ask myself what is really important, the feelings that come out of taking the easy way or standing within this life as that best that I can be and share that through my walk back to life.

I commit myself to take that immediate opportunity as that actuality of what it really means to walk this process and work with it, even when I find myself wanting to do something else where it is to take my mind off having to face myself.

When and as I see myself comparing myself as I stand against “equality and oneness” as a idea that I make up within myself, I stop myself and breathe and realize that it is within the breathe that this is really what is going to lead to a more complete understanding/realization of equality and oneness. Not and idea within my mind.

I commit myself to stop judging me against my own mind construct of what equality and oneness is, and realize that within that I set me up for all sorts of failure and time loops, and instead focus on breathing, look at each point of where I do not stay within breathe and focus on why that is, why that is happening and what is the point of separation within those points.

I commit myself to stop making this a emotions game with myself where I get all caught up within the emotions that are generated within how I am doing within my process against this invisible idea of equality and oneness in my head.

I commit myself to thus realize that the process is one of breathe as the starting point for all other realizations of myself within that.

When and as I see myself becoming down within myself over these points of self judgment and standing within as self belief that I am not able to walk effectively, that I cannot do this, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that within that breathe is a choice between I am doing this and I will not do this, and there is no cannot within the equations.

I commit myself to work within myself to push myself to choice the choice that will lead me to walking process, to making the choice of I am doing this, I am this, I am breathe. And within that breathe stand as this moment and work within that.

I commit myself to stop taking the points of failure as a point of personal definition and instead own those points, own up to them and take the seriously where I see that this is what I still accept and allow myself to be within my world but it does not have to be, I can own those deviations from the path, and change myself, its just a choice.

I commit myself to realize that every moment is choice.

I commit myself to make the choices that will allow me to form self trust and build intimacy with me for real. Realizing that the longer that I deny and delay this process is the harder it will be.

When and as I see myself using the Desteni words as like a way make it seem like I have changed, I stop myself and breathe and realize that the process of change is not about knowledge and information, it is about how I choose to conduct me within myself in a consistent and meaningful way.

I commit myself to move past the point of just writing from knowledge and information and instead focus on the actually realizations that I am having.

I commit myself to see that within this it may/will require more time spent just writing to myself and forming that trust and with me rather then fixating only on the blog post.

I commit myself to let go of the idea that I should make the blog the priority, when in all common sense the blog should be the reflection of my actual walking of my process.

I commit myself to realize that this is one of the reasons why my world is not changing at its potential wherein I am not living the words I am writing in the blog.

272. Signatures.

So I just wanted to touch on something that I realized while talking within another being at work the other day. I was talking within another being and this person was talking to me about how one of the tenants that lived in the building was dying of cancer.

What I noticed within that moment was how I reacted within a point of not really giving to much “caring” towards the being that was dying. How I have come to view disease within myself is through my own personal experiences where both of my parents are facing some life threatening diseases. How I have come to see this is where I can see that the problems that my parents are facing are actually resultant, and of consequences of their personal choices in life. I have spent much time within my life worrying about them and fearing losing them. But something that I noticed when talking to my coworker about this other being was how when I asked her why she was so bothered by the prospect of this being dying from consequences of this beings choices she mentioned that it was because she had known him for so long.

It got me considering why it is that we care so much about particular beings fates more then others in this world. I realized within that how we all carry around these signatures in and as the personalities that we have created, and within that we as the observers within our lives see these signatures and become attuned to them within ourselves. We start to accept other beings signatures as a set of specific feelings and emotions within us, and form personal attachments to those specific signatures. Now, within that it made sense to me that this is really only all illusions, it allowed me to see how I still do this all the time, I still am placing some beings signature above and beyond others, which is kind of bogus since this is all points created in relation to mind personalities of others beings. It also allowed me to see how I still am putting forth my own signature for others to take hold of. I stand as this “Alex” signature within and as other beings, I noticed that this is almost like a reliance, or requirement within myself where I have to fulfill this persona for others so they can “care” about me. So I can create this idea of a person that can be liked, stand out, and be remembered.

Now. Whats the point within this? I mean something that I have learned from within my own relationships with my parents and friends is that if we do not stand for anything in particular, and we are just creating these signatures for for others to see and hold as “us” within our minds, what is this? I can see that this actually leads no where, since all we have is a idea about others, process through our own filters. It really does not revel anything tangible about a being. It only shows the mind.

So where within this all lies the common sense point? I mean if all I am is a signature, what does that actually say about me in terms of practical change and solutions in this world? Nothing. I see that there is really a emphasis on this “signature” of others rather then anything that would involve reality. We seem to associate this signature with life, when it really has nothing to do with that. So the common sense solution is to realign oneself with the basics fundamentals. What is life? Where does the physical reality around oneself actually come into play when we talk about who we really are? How does the way that I behave, and conduct myself lend to the actuality of the situations and choices that I make? Often we get lost within other peoples signature based solely in how they make us feel, when really this has nothing really to do with how one actually experiences oneself on a daily basis, and interacts with physical life. This is something that I am currently just starting to understand and be able to see myself within. Its difficult to break free since I have been so convinced within me that all this crap is me, that I am the signature that is “Alex” when really what that signature says about me is only a extremely limited portion of who I could actually be and stand as in alignment with life.
Who could I be if I was not me as my signature? Who could I paint myself to be as a blank canvas?

So I have to ask myself. Am I just this signature that I have learned to sign my whole life? Or could I be something else? Can I authenticate myself authentically as life?

271. Coming out of orbit. Sc.

When and as I see myself pointing Astronomy above the things that I realize are going to be the most helpful within my life in assisting me to become effective and stable, I stop myself and breathe, and put into practice the discretion to stand and place the points that I see will actually assist me in realizing my potential first.

I commit myself to stop placing points ahead of the points that I realize will really support me within my world.

I commit myself to use the discretion of what is most practical and useful to me in a placement of priority within my world and within that understand that the points that will be most useful will not always be the things that I WANT to do or spend my time on.

I commit myself to thus use the ability within myself to exercise discipline when I notice that I am just spinning my wheels in areas that will not actually assist me in stabilizing me here.

When and as I see myself using this interest in certain areas to generate a false sense of importance and relevance where I allow this importance to overshadow the common sense and realistic path within myself, I stop am breathe, bringing myself back down to earth and accept that certain areas are not going to really help me change my situation in any real way.

I commit myself to lay my desire to know about certain things aside and take up the point to walk a lifeline of realistic goals where this path leads me to walk through the points of disinterest and realize that this will ultimately allow me to place myself in a better position financially and allow me to formulate a new me that is able to make a tangible difference in this world.

I commit myself to move past the initial disinterest in the areas of finance and work with the capabilities that I see that I have where I utilize those abilities to the utmost of my potential for a the goal of equality and oneness within this world.

When and as I see myself being a subject to and a observer of myself within a feeling that is generated within certain areas, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this does not mean that I have to stop learning about points that I am interested in, but to form a understanding of where I am allowing and accepting myself to be only the observer of such knowledge and information where I am actually only in pursuit of some desire point within myself.

I commit myself to stop the addiction to the desires within me to know about how the universe functions and that this is really irrelevant at this stage, and that even within the current scientific understanding that the things that I am learning are not fully understood to any kind of accuracy or completeness.

I commit myself then to see how this pursuit of knowledge and information within this field are in fact generated within a as a point of desire for knowledge, information, and understanding, and within this stand as a point of lack of understanding of how I myself actually function and operate.

I commit myself to realize that this is really about placing my focus elsewhere, and not actually facing me as I have created and allowed myself to become a separate entity within this world where I only give something importance when I see that it interests me alone.

I commit myself then to stop designing myself around points of personality, where I place on category of study and pursuit as something that is good/fun, and another as tedious/bad, and instead realize and implement the knowing that get to a place of stability within myself I will eventually have to move past the resistance to look at myself and how I choose to conduct myself and my time here and actually walk a different path.

I commit myself to stop squandering my time and my capability to apply myself within the abilities and strengths that come to me naturally and instead use them for a purpose within my life that will lead me to the highest possible outcome for all life always.

I commit myself to realize that each choice is that which will lead me to this point or lead me to a point of falling and stagnation.

I commit myself then to continue taking this ego apart and working within the tools of self forgiveness and self correction so as to walk myself free from the mind and its trappings, and realizing that my time and opportunity is few and so I will need to exercise discipline within my life to see real change.

When and as I see myself using up my time within this point of interest rather then making it a point of pursuit within me I stop myself and breathe, and understand that I do not have to deny myself the interest in Astronomy and space related things but making it a priority in my life is not going to help me change.

I commit myself to recognize where I am allowing myself to use up the time that I have in pursuing Astronomy, when I really could be using my time for something more productive.

I commit myself to designate specific points and responsibilities of where I am going to apply me within my process, and within the things that I need to do to take myself out of the point of just survival and then allow myself the point of enjoyment within the interest that Astronomy provides.

I commit myself to see that currently how I use Astronomy is within a place and point of distraction of what is happening around me and within that not even actually fully giving the attention required within Astronomy to become effective within that, and therefore just wasting time.

I commit myself to stop wasting time and instead of using Astronomy as that excuse to waste time, actually give the attention that is required to it to really see the information effectively and see how if I am placing a specific time aside within my life for that interest I am able to enjoy it fully and actually pay attention rather then abuse it for a point of distraction from time for self investigation.

When and as I see myself looking at myself now within a position of guilt about what I have let myself become and within seeing the point of Astronomy as a point of ultimate failure within myself as the ultimate point of missing the ship as it were, where this represents all that I could have been, I stop myself and breathe, seeing that this is just not the time period in which many people are able to go into space, and that this just is not what I am here to do and what I CAN do.

When and as I see myself holding myself within a point of sadness about this apparent missed opportunity within myself I stop myself and breathe, and remember that I have plenty of opportunities that are available to me that will allow me to ensure that in future we can choose where to place our focus as a species and give the opportunity to those that are yet to come to actually hold the option to explore and investigate the universe.

I commit myself to stop realize that I need to stop placing all my dreams outside of myself and instead make them a tangible reality in which I work within and accept the opportunities that are available to me realistically.

I commit myself to stop getting down on myself about this point of not being able to go into space and to be a astronaut to the point where I look at any point of sci fi material or Astronomical material with a point of sadness that I will not be able to experience this now, and realize that if human beings in general will every be able to become space faring species as a common place normality, then we as individuals will have to work through all points of ego and self interest here, now.

I commit myself to stop using this sadness within myself about a apparent missed opportunity to fuel a desperation within myself to catch up within that field, and realize that this is only a reaction to a self definition of failure within myself in a point where it is just not really realistic to have been possible in the first place.

I commit myself to walk through this process to see that if I actually do care about this point of going to space then I should be able to put aside any point of self interest within myself and walk myself out of the mind to ensure that future generations will have that reality available to them, and realize that this is a realization that all those that will come after me are in fact me, and that I would be standing up within myself for the benefit of all as myself.

When and as I see myself holding myself withing a point of stagnation I stop myself and breathe and realize that within this point of constantly looking for something better outside of myself to focus on, I am actually only squandering the abilities that are available to me within myself.

I commit myself to stop looking for better experiences within point that are not realistic within my world, and instead focus on the things that I actually have control over within myself and realize that this is the real area that I can influence instead of looking for some experience out there in space as the ultimate point that would complete me.

I commit myself to stop the stagnation of my true capabilities and to instead use those capabilities to work through the points of separation within myself.

I commit myself to stop the stagnation of myself based on a feeling of resentment that this dream may not something that is realistic within my world and that I have to work on myself instead of getting what I want.

I commit myself to stop using this feeling as a excuse to not move myself because I still look at this as being unfair, instead of wanting to take personal responsibility, self honesty, and practice self movement.

When and as I see myself continuing to believe that I am able to make some significant change to the field of Astronomy I stop myself and breathe, and consider the complexity that others beings who are in the field have and the experience within that field and realize that within myself I am only coming from a place of mind, of projections, of ideas, and I really have not anything concrete to offer up within that group. And really all this is about is fame and recognition where I do not take value within myself first.

I commit myself to see that if I really capable of contributing something to that field of study that it would not come from a point placement of just desire this but a aware movement of myself through the steps in learning what is actually real, and what is just made up, which is actually a self movement.

So within this I commit myself to realize how the key to all change within myself is self movement and not the self definition in reaction to a desire for fame or praise from others and the world.

I commit myself to move myself for me, within the recognition that moving within the understanding of the principles that all are equal and one is imperative to the starting point of each moment that I move through.

When and as I see that I could be using my time within any given moment in a more effective, relevant, and meaningful manner I stop myself and breathe, and within this realize that what I a choosing to do is just delay the process here that will allow all to pursue the ultimate expression of themselves within a equal and one world.

And so I commit myself to realize the importance of walking as a real expression of myself where I see that I am really capable of and considering the impact that myself as a responsible being will be able to contribute to this world by giving up the desires and dreams of going to space as well as the feeling of needing to gain knowledge and information in that areas of study.

I commit myself to place Astronomy as nothing more then a hobby in which I can enjoy myself within in my free time if I so choose instead of making a self definition within myself in wanting/desiring to learn more about it, in a point of desperation.

When and as I see myself judging myself for where I am at within my life and gauging my success by things like money and fame, I stop myself and breathe and realize that those points are only relevant to the propagation and generation of those same points within my own mind, and that the real point of life here is how I am walking through within principles or without them.

I commit myself to let go of the idea of moving myself only from within a point of desiring fame and wealth.

I commit myself to see how those desires are only mind systems that compel me to dream about lavish lifestyles and judge myself from within where I am not, and hold me back from what I am able to really do within a layers of self judgments and anger towards my situation.

I commit myself to move past these mind and instead walk a life path that is within the principles of equality and oneness with life.

When and as I notice myself looking at other beings within a point of comparison with what they have and within that react in jealousy and self pity about what I do not have, I stop myself and breathe and see how this life is really what I make it and how I choose to conduct myself in each moment really is the key.

I commit myself to conduct me in such a way that fully understands that I am the one responsible for me and that i will ultimately make the choices that will allow me to stand or continue falling.

I commit myself to make the choice within my life that stand within the principles of equality and oneness, and remember that when I am faced within a comparison point towards others, in asking me if that is really something that I would like to experience within my world and within that how can I integrate myself PRACTICALLY instead of just reacting emotionally to this other being and what they have.

I commit myself to stop the jealously that I have towards Astronauts specifically because I have build up a idea within my mind about how cool it would be to go to space.

When and as I see myself fearing being seen within my world, I stop myself and breathe, and make a note to push myself to become more visible and that the jealously that I am experiencing towards other beings is really a point of not feeling totally satisfied within myself in where I stand and my inconsistency in and towards moving myself through my life within principle and self motivation.

I commit myself to stand up within myself as someone who can be seen and heard and push myself to overcome the hesitation within myself to remain the same within my own comforting bubble.

I commit myself to realize that when I look at people within jealousy it just means that I am not satisfied with myself and so within that I should be able to walk through the point of fear within myself that I will never reach what others have within my own world and instead just focus on what I can do in each moment to keep walking, and keep living within principles, breathing and remaining present.

270. Coming out of orbit.

Continuing with the last post I have been working with a point of how to prioritize and designate my time better, so as to become more effective within my ability to really live out my potential. Over the past couple days I have not succeeded. I spent quite a bit of my time learning about Astronomy. I like this idea of space. I am curious about how everything functions. I have a desire to go to space, and although I realize that this is fairly fruitless desire, and more about fun then anything else, it still exists, and is fuel for some kind of sadness. Perhaps its like one more point of “what I could have been” within me and I hold that against myself.

So the point within this blog is that things like studying astronomy is not something that I realize is going to really change my life in any significant way. I am able to become more effective and stabilize within my world if I focus mostly on the areas where I can actually show some change. I can work on myself rather then looking out there for this something better.

Astronomy is a cool area to learn about as a point of interest but it will not allow me to place myself within this world as any real point of influence. I will not be able to sufficiently move myself within that field in any sort of prevalence to support real world change.

So in this I see that this is a area that I should let go of to the point of not lending to much of my active time in pursuing. I should instead focus my time on grounding myself here on earth designating my time into areas where I see myself actually placing myself in a position to make my world stable first. It is undoubtedly apparent that this involves money. It involves standing where I am effective in money and time management to the point where I place myself in this world where I can actually have a voice. This does not mean I have to become immensely rich like I see other beings within society and remove the point of comparison to these beings, and instead bring back the focus once more to a placement of myself within facing the true potential of me and having courage to face the fear points that come up within those areas.

I know this will take time. I know that it will take patience with myself, but will also require me to stand in each moment and reevaluate what is really going to be the best for all as best for myself in each moment. I can see where I will have to step beyond my mind in those areas of fear and walk through them, creating a new me, a me that can handle the fear of standing up and being seen. This is the main point for me where I still fear being seen and heard, which is not acceptable.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place importance on astronomy within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself this importance to overshadow my willingness to walk a realistic path within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this interest in Astronomy within myself to be driven and generated within a feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my capability within that interest to absorb knowledge and information, and use that ability to confirm to myself that this is something that is worth pursuing when actually this is point of squandering my time and focus within a area of study that will ultimately not stabilize my life in any way.

I forgive myself for letting this become a point of priority rather then something that I can give attention to when I have free time, making this a point of interest rather then pursuit within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a feeling of guilt and shame about my vision of myself and my capability within Astronomy where I view this as a missed opportunity within my life and hold myself within that guilt for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself within a point of sadness about this and thus move myself within a starting point of desperation, to learn as much and as fast as I can, to “catch up within that field”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Astronomy as a point of distraction within myself to not apply me within the areas of my life where I actually see that I could be and am effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase the dream of going into space instead of realizing and coming to full acceptance of where the world currently stands within space exploration.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the realization that if I REALLY do care about going into space that I should be able to place myself within this world as so as to make that opportunity a reality for other beings as myself in the future.

And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself stagnate because I consistently am looking for something better to pursue within my life instead of working with what is actually available to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief within me that I can actually make some kind of significant change within this field, and in the grand scheme of things not accept the point that space exploration flight is not even a point of relevance to the human condition as it stands today.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ground me, and realize that my time could be used in a much more relevant and meaningful manner which starts with learning the skills and dedication that it takes to stabilize myself within my own world first, in relation to life as equality and oneness, as well as to money which will allow me the ability to move myself and make influence a possibility within the starting point of myself in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must become totally wealthy to have a voice within this world and not accepting that the main point to consider within this is HOW I conduct myself within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not see how this belief/desire to have tons of money is actually based within a comparison wit other being in this world and that I and actually just putting myself in a position of self-pity, where I view those with money with jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen within my life, and realizing that the jealousy that I hold towards people that are successful is really only highlights my own hesitation to stand up within myself and be counted one vote for equality. Be heard as one voice.

OK I will stop here for now and continue with the self corrective statements in the next post.

269. Interests vs Potential.

Last night I was doing some investigation into financial literacy. I was looking at banks, credit unions, (I did not realize even what a credit union was), online banks. I have recently been really attempting to figure out which path I should walk, and where I can be most effective within my life, what I would be satisfied with, and how I would best fit into bringing about a world that is best for all. I mean I can see that I have the potential for many things. I suppose the battle that I have in the past always fought with myself has to do with motivation and procrastination. I am getting much better with this, and while I am going to continue improving and refining myself in those areas now I can see that the biggest point that I am facing within this search is time. How to identify the points of priority and how to practically schedule myself.

I was looking at financial literacy courses last night on those free online courses, and invariably got pulled into the vast slew of resources, and class subjects. It was like “WOW, there is always so many interesting things that I could learn and pursue.” I was trying to figure out what would be useful to me, how could I benefit from physics knowledge? Chemistry? City water planning? So many things that would be potentially useful, but I mean really I noticed in the end that all of those are well just interesting things to learn. I realized that I don’t have the time to start more then one or two of these classes at a time as even though they only average from 2-6 hours a week that would really tighten up my schedule already. So I decided to go with one course that was more to do with getting my reality on track within my financial world, expand my financial literacy and one more of a exploratory course to see if I am actually interested in engineering. I also see it that is it will be necessary explore the aspect of public speaking at some point to face the fears that I see I have become programed as, and define myself by. I see that these points especially have much to do with expanding myself, facing myself within my fear of rejection and ability to work hard at things that I would not normally pursue. I see the points within my financial and public speaking areas as the most prominent in facing since they are the areas that I have the most friction towards, whereas engineering would be more about learning a new area of interest and working hard to apply myself in a new field.

So within all this I am going to have to really continue to become more effective and regimented with how I use my time. What I choose to do and when I do it. And to start realizing the actuality within my world about what is really relevant to my ability to experience myself effectively and what are only points of interest.

I will have to learn the skill of self management and learn to practice the self honesty and integrity that is required to make the most out of my time each day, stop wasting my time within areas that are of no practical use. I can see the potential for becoming overwhelmed and ultimately giving up but I must realize that the point here is really about finding my potential as a being here. Becoming effective within my life is not about denying the things that I enjoy, as I am frequently giving into as the prominent point of fear as why things in my life never get done, but to actually highlight my appreciation of those things by realizing myself within the things that I see will allow me to become a actual life force within the world, and will allow me to make bigger movements within my world and expand my influence, and ultimately design my life so I will have more time for things that I enjoy in the future, as well as create that reality for others.

The first step which I will cover over the next few days is what is it that I would actually be satisfied with in my life. Where would I be cool seeing myself, as it stands I have large dreams about money and within that I see that I have somewhat blocked myself from ever even starting to walk in any practical sense towards those dreams because they are so large. So firstly organizing my internal world, letting go of the dreams and instead working with what is realistic and available to me today.

So in the posts to follow I will start investigating the points that I see as real possibilities for me to walk, and why I still stunt myself from walking within them. As well as taking on those big dreams and figuring out what is the real reasons for holding value within those dreams.

Thanks for reading.