273. Denying myself the change.

Self denial. I am going to right about how I always just deny myself the opportunity to actually form trust with myself. I have always just sabotaged me. I have always just allowed myself to take the easiest route through my life. I have always told myself that I am not good enough, or the moment is not right, I am not ready to change.

I have to stop this habitual laying down of myself, where I deny within myself a knowing, a realizing, and continuous self movement within myself where I take charge of me, where I am the one leading me within my life and make the decisions where i will inevitably come out within a situation that is best for me, and in that I will start to realize where I am walking within the context of what is best for all. Because so far nothing has really work, placing this idea of what is best for all in front of me has only really given me a sense of guilt within myself where I am comparing myself against this idea.

That it is only a idea. I formed an idea about what is best for all rather then looking at myself and understanding and acting on staying present, stopping my mind, and breathing. And within that idea I made me inferior, not worth, evil, awful, terrible, etc, without stopping to realize that this is the mind, this is the ego, this is me accepting the ego, and not really understanding where I should really be able to stand within me. That is the reality of the evil within me, it is a choice and has always been a choice.

So I suppose the point within this point is to stop being and standing within denial about who I am, and what I am capable of. I have to trust me to walk, if I am within a constant starting self view of not trusting that I can do this, that I can move through this process, if at every hiccup I am convinced that I will not make it I am just fucking with myself, and it just loops that way.

I have to stop using all these words trying to convince myself that this is who I am now. Just get back to basics and start focusing on breathing, working with the points one at a time and stop the judgment of myself within these up and down moments. Those moments are there to allow me to see where I need to apply me, as the directive self, push through the resistance to do that and just walk for myself.

When I try and convince myself that I am these words that I spit out as a response/reaction to where I really see myself, that’s just a point of denial, I am trying to cover up the real me as I have allowed me to build. I am not taking real responsibility, I am not accepting me to heal for real. And that’s a problem.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in a state of self denial through the use of judgment of me against equality and oneness as a idea that I have come up with in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the real point of self movement which is about me find me, and looking at my life so far and learning how to work through each of the moments that I have just pushed to the side in favor of the easy road.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always choose that road because I never believe within myself as a point of self faith and trust to work through all of the “I cant’s” and see that these are actually only “I will not’s”.

I forgive myself for holding myself in the same positions as always for the simple reason that I am unsure of where to walk. Unsure of where to place myself against this self defining judgment of being a evil, grotesque person. And never stopping to see how this is only ever a choice where I accept or decline the option to participate within this belief and self definition.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take up the self integrity to move myself out of that limited starting point and learn to walk, learn to for trust and stop the idea that I cannot do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that this is first and foremost taking place in my mind, and that every time that I choose to participate I am really only giving power to the mind, and diminishing my own ability to stand, and really just making things harder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Desteni words as a like a “get out of jail card” where I just using those words as like to make it seem like I have changed more then I actually see myself changing. Not realizing that I am just pandering a image/illusion of me and that this will not actually lead anywhere except to the places I have always been.

So when and as I see myself denying me the opportunity to take real and immediate charge of my life, I stop myself and breathe and within that breath ask myself what is really important, the feelings that come out of taking the easy way or standing within this life as that best that I can be and share that through my walk back to life.

I commit myself to take that immediate opportunity as that actuality of what it really means to walk this process and work with it, even when I find myself wanting to do something else where it is to take my mind off having to face myself.

When and as I see myself comparing myself as I stand against “equality and oneness” as a idea that I make up within myself, I stop myself and breathe and realize that it is within the breathe that this is really what is going to lead to a more complete understanding/realization of equality and oneness. Not and idea within my mind.

I commit myself to stop judging me against my own mind construct of what equality and oneness is, and realize that within that I set me up for all sorts of failure and time loops, and instead focus on breathing, look at each point of where I do not stay within breathe and focus on why that is, why that is happening and what is the point of separation within those points.

I commit myself to stop making this a emotions game with myself where I get all caught up within the emotions that are generated within how I am doing within my process against this invisible idea of equality and oneness in my head.

I commit myself to thus realize that the process is one of breathe as the starting point for all other realizations of myself within that.

When and as I see myself becoming down within myself over these points of self judgment and standing within as self belief that I am not able to walk effectively, that I cannot do this, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that within that breathe is a choice between I am doing this and I will not do this, and there is no cannot within the equations.

I commit myself to work within myself to push myself to choice the choice that will lead me to walking process, to making the choice of I am doing this, I am this, I am breathe. And within that breathe stand as this moment and work within that.

I commit myself to stop taking the points of failure as a point of personal definition and instead own those points, own up to them and take the seriously where I see that this is what I still accept and allow myself to be within my world but it does not have to be, I can own those deviations from the path, and change myself, its just a choice.

I commit myself to realize that every moment is choice.

I commit myself to make the choices that will allow me to form self trust and build intimacy with me for real. Realizing that the longer that I deny and delay this process is the harder it will be.

When and as I see myself using the Desteni words as like a way make it seem like I have changed, I stop myself and breathe and realize that the process of change is not about knowledge and information, it is about how I choose to conduct me within myself in a consistent and meaningful way.

I commit myself to move past the point of just writing from knowledge and information and instead focus on the actually realizations that I am having.

I commit myself to see that within this it may/will require more time spent just writing to myself and forming that trust and with me rather then fixating only on the blog post.

I commit myself to let go of the idea that I should make the blog the priority, when in all common sense the blog should be the reflection of my actual walking of my process.

I commit myself to realize that this is one of the reasons why my world is not changing at its potential wherein I am not living the words I am writing in the blog.

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