274. Seeing what I have to do.

I see the problem here within myself. Baseline I just do not want to work hard to figure myself out. I can see and I realize things easily when I apply myself, but moving myself through the resistance is something that I continue to struggle. I do not fully want to give up the mind, which I suppose is natural from the perspective of that is the great con within that consciousness. So I should stop blaming myself in that area.
I can see see many of the connections and the categories in which I still define myself within, I just kind of go “ohhh, hey that’s there”, but I do not move into the next step of writing it out. Getting it out and doing the self forgiveness. Doing the effort involved. I still see this point as work instead of a self movement, self communication, self understanding and self expression.

So mapping out the mind is something that I can put forth to further understand myself. Its something that I have put off for so long now and never really gave much attention to. I can see how this would allow me to just move through the points that I am still facing in a more organized way. And just allowing me to see what I have to do still within my process is a less cerebral way.

One of the other problems I have faced is where I will see something and then moments later I have forgotten what it was that I realized, or wanted to write about later, etc. So writing it all down would really support me in just seeing how the flow and connections of my mind is functioning at this stage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue struggling within myself with resistance to writing out my mind, and organizing all of the systems within myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully give up the mind as of yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to block out the point that this unwillingness to give up the mind is something that will be continuously faced throughout my process if I continue to blame and judge myself within that area.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of the this position that I have given myself where I am able to actually see and give myself another chance through changing the way that I life my life each day.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to view process as a point of self expression and self communication through movement rather then just simply work, and within that holding the idea of work as a negative charge within the concept of effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how all of the points/connections/categories within myself that I see and do not act upon simply will just continuously loop around within my experience of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing self forgiveness as the way to clear out and work through those self definitions, and within that not seeing or utilizing methods that will work for me within my own process of self rediscovery.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take everything that I see as movements down when ever that I can and within this start mapping out the mind so as to realize where I actually stand within me.

So when and as I see myself still postponing and delaying myself walking within my process I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back within the moment and ask myself what was this that brought me out of equality and oneness with breathe.

I commit myself to take notes, write down the points that I see and if I am able to start working within self forgiveness in the moment or if not to take note of the point for a later time where I am able to explore that point in more detail.

When as as I see myself not really wanting to give up the experiences of the mind, I stop myself and breathe and have a look at what it is specifically about those experiences that I do not want to give up, or how I feel like I will be losing something by not participating within them.

I commit myself to walk a new path by stopping the desire to still experience mind constructs.

I commit myself to take on the constructs through practical means which means to stop allowing myself to just let those things pass through my mind without really taking any action towards them. Instead I commit myself to write as much as I can about the points and constructs that I still participate within.

I commit myself to realize the gift of self forgiveness in which I am recreating myself and no longer allow me as a separate self interested consciousness to reign control over my decisions.

I commit myself to utilize this gift to stop the feedback loops of the systematic self definitions within myself, and instead start standing and taking action in which ever way possible.

When and as I see myself worrying about the extent of work/effort that has to go into this process, I stop myself and breathe, recognizing that this is a matter of making myself real, and self honest.

I commit myself to work and walk through all the worrying points so I no longer have to push so hard to move myself through this process, and instead start walking within it with more confidence about what my real direction should/can be.

I commit myself to map my mind so I can clearly find the path that I took to bring myself to this point and then work through it backwards so as to first work within what is coming up daily primarily and then just work through the memories and events, definitions and fears.

I commit myself to this task as I can see that this is what I need to do to become whole as life once again.

I commit myself to the understanding that I am whole and that the only thing that is stopping me from realizing that is my own mind holding me back within itself.

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