280. Learning about knowledge.

What is the purpose here in learning and knowledge? As I see within my own experience it’s always been like a race of some sort. I have in the past really thrived within myself as the mind and considered the accumulation of knowledge to be the prime thing that would get me ahead in this world and give me that edge over others in competition. This obviously is all based within fear, fear of survival, fear of obscurity, and fear of death. I want to stand out, live on in time, be immortal.

An interesting thing within this as for all the accumulated knowledge within my brain, firstly I would be hard pressed to remember much of it in any coherent way, and secondly there is point of what use has it provided within my life? What is the purpose of learning and knowledge? Currently it was mentioned within one of my chats to let go of all knowledge. Let go of what I have learned is my idea about my life, what I should be doing, where I should be, how I should be. And see what remains.

Interesting, I have always been of a cerebral set of the mind, intellectualizing¬†everything. I see how this has really backed me into a corner, were the old adage “knowledge will set you free”, has actually locked me up and misplaced the key.

So where/what does learning and knowledge come into play within this process. Self honesty is the point to remember here. Oneness and equality as life is the other. Where I can walk through my day where I can express within any given moment the equality with life. This I realize is currently not fully implemented within my life, I have not figured it out yet. But that is the point of self honesty where I can ask myself if I am doing as much that I can to bring this to fruition within myself. That I see is the role of learning and knowledge within my life. What are the areas of learning and becoming knowledgable that will allow me to become the most effective in becoming clear within myself. Like downloading the information that is required to learn how to stop downloading and delete the already downloaded.

Learning enough within my process to see the relevance and common sense in taking action within my day-to-day living to stand as my actual potential. Do I know what that potential is? Currently, no. But that comes within the act of walking, already I see that I am capable in moving past entrenched belief systems of “I can’t/I’m not” within me. So it is about the action, the self honest movement of myself. And this really requires no knowledge, just understanding of myself as a part of the whole, and not only a singularity.

Obviously this singularity is unique within the points where I can choose to apply myself within, what will be the things that I enjoy, and pursue within my life, but it does not have to be because that is something that I am preprogrammed to like/enjoy. Not something that I convince myself that I only capable of this or that starting within a self limitation. If I come to a decision about looking into a certain area then I can utilize my attention, time and focus to a certain area, and learn about it. But all the shit that has been force-fed to me, or more appropriately that I force feed myself because I believed that is what I needed to do to become something superior to the other beings out there, stand out and be live a worthwhile life. All that can/must stop. Interesting, as I have continued my reading into the heavens jtl blogs and right where I picked up it says it all where all positive self experiences are rooted within the negative/friction. So realizing that this thirst for knowledge and learning is actually based on a view of competition and superiority, which is actually a fear of survival at a base level, it puts a lot in perspective.

I do not need to know everything, I do not even need to know slightly even close to everything, but I do need to know how to apply myself in an effective way to stop the separateness of myself with life. That is the point of self honesty. Firstly stopping participation within the mind, following my thoughts, giving into the addictions that are fueled through my emotions and feelings. And from there continue to break down the underlying layers of self-deception that I have built around myself. Learning PRINCIPLES that will allow me to live my life within oneness and equality, cutting out the rest of the bullshit that has been holding me within this state of limbo for so many years. Correcting the limitation with self-trust.
Correcting addiction to energy as the awareness of myself here.

So there is the point. Accumulating knowledge which poses no real relevance to how I am choosing to live out my life in equality and oneness, is something that I have to become self honest about. Applying principles within myself which will be my standing point. Remembering when the mind starts to interject to breathe and slow myself down.

So here I will stop for the evening.

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279. Hiding myself from others. Where do I fit?

It occurs to me that this is really to big of a point to try to take on fully here so I will just open up on it and flagpoint this for future reference.

For a long time I have had this pattern of sinking into the shadows of social scenes, as well as society. I have not really seen myself as this being who fits in well. I’m to shy, I am to nerdy, I am to unlike others. The point being that I have designed all these reference points to set conditions for me to fit into society in some way and it moves into all areas of my life. I have difficulty with my relationships with my parents. Subsequently I have had trouble opening up and being intimate with partner, allowing myself, and my expression to be fully heard or seen. I constantly bury what I am really experiencing so as to not upset the relationships, and this I have notice really does nothing but breed internal resentment within me.

In the social arena I typically do not engage people, and in the past when invited out to socialize I have always done so as a last resort if I could not get out of it, and while there would rather be on my own.

I have held the stance that I am someone who just prefers to be alone. With walk with Desteni for some time this has become clear that this is not much more than an avoidance. A hiding of myself where I do not have to concede myself as this character to others and explain or put my preprogrammed self on the line.

I noticed however that I crave the interactions with others at times. Mainly with close friends. But friends from the perspective that these are beings that I have come to common understanding with to maintain the existence of my systems within me. I never go much deeper than this, within most of my interactions with other I face the point in which I fear saying everything, like I have to censor myself from speaking about the points that I have realized. On one level I see this as suppressing myself to please others, and on the other hand I see this as a desire/lack in the sense that want others to understand/see me for someone who I wish to be. I see the missing piece within myself represented as this desire to fit in somewhere. To have some kind of purpose. But that purpose is misguided by the thinking that it comes with the acceptance of the other being within my life and the ones that I come in contact with, not realizing that society as it stands currently hold life in a place of inferior value to the mind, and so allowing myself to base my self view and self wellness in direct relation to what popular society and in turn those that I have deemed close to me and care emotionally for, actually in reality is only an acceptance of the same separation from life. Now to clarify I do not see that just leaving those in my life in the dust is the answer, rather the opposite where I actually stand up within myself and value my realizations enough to say things as I see them, to call out when I see that something can be realigned and also to have the tact to realize where to avoid creating unnecessary conflict. So it will be an interesting point to walk over, but one that has played quite a large part of the way that I interact with other beings in my life.

And there comes up the point of investigation where I can do this for myself once again. Standing up within myself to find out who it is I wish to create myself as within principle. Do I need others acceptance of me within the realization of myself walking with Desteni? Or can I do this for the actual reason of self honesty which is to recreate myself here as life?

So as I learn to walk, as I learn to trust me in more and more moments through my day. As I learn to become self honest about how I am choosing to live, the experience of myself being separate from others and the NEED to hide these realizations from others may become lessened. I could assume that they do, but I cannot say for sure until I take action and walk the path consistently within myself which is really the point.

And so I commit myself to walk within the principles of equality and oneness by utilizing the tools of Desteni, to deconstruct the limitations of the mind in believing myself to be separate from life as an inferior/superior personality creation in comparison with other beings and life itself. And instead recreate myself here as life through the realization of myself as breathe in each moment.

I commit myself to walk this within full realization that I will have to make this decision to stand for myself and not on the pretense of gaining or losing something from the interactions that I have with other beings.

I commit myself to stop hiding myself from others within the pretense that I do not have a spot that fits for me with others, and that I have to mold myself to the people around me to gain acceptance within there world and not realize that in doing this I am really giving myself up and not actually giving myself a chance to really discover me for myself.

I commit myself to stop fearing rejection for other despite who they may be and instead realize that all I really should have to focus on is if I am satisfied with myself in walking myself through this journey back to life and moving myself to participating in making a world that will be best for all.

278. Hiding from myself 2.

Ok continuing.

So when and as I see myself hiding myself from me, I stop myself and breathe, slowing myself down and realizing that this is really a reaction some kind of fears within my world. Some of them more about being in the spotlight and some other about having to take action or accountability of myself, so what I can do is really take a step back when I am looking to hide myself away and whole myself up and have an honest look, asking myself why? And what is really behind this point of hiding.

When and as I see myself considering myself to be fake or disingenuous and begin judging myself over this I stop myself and breathe and within that make the realization that this self judgment is an allowance that I am permitting within my world to reinforce the excuse to not take practical action in my life.

When and as I see myself not considering the role of action within myself and my world I stop myself and breathe remembering that action is what is going to take me out of hiding and will open me up to many new possibilities within myself, as well as outside of myself.
So within this I commit myself to step outside of hiding that I have lived by my whole life, make myself known to me and work with what I find there, no shame, no blame, just honest application with an understanding that I need to see me to be able to change me.

I commit myself to stop using the external world as an excuse as to why I am unable to get to this process on a daily level and within that realize that the reason why is because I am hiding from myself and not wanting to admit that.

I commit myself to step past the desire to let it all slide and move myself towards the habits that I realize will foster change within me through the evidence of the writing and application that I have already made within my life.

I commit myself to because honest with myself about what is really important within my day and apply myself to those this vigorously because I realize that the bigger picture is not just about myself but about the whole world/universe here as life.

I commit myself to stop fearing the changes, and to start having fun within my process of change, and realize that for something new to be born within me that something else must be cleared away. I am clearing the way for something unknown to be possible and that this start to the journey back to life.

I commit myself to breathe through the tough moments where all that I want to do is hide myself away, and wait out the storms within me, not realizing that the storms will keep coming unless I stand and face them.

I commit myself to stop the self judgment about what I should or should not be doing and instead just work on understanding myself clearer and making steady progress within myself.

I commit myself to see how consistency is really one of the main keys to walking this process and that the tendency is to turn my back on myself at the first sign of trouble/stress/distraction.

I commit myself to realize that at the stage that I am at I am really only stunting myself and my ability to grow in this world and that I will only ever find more uncertainties if I refuse to face myself in each moment.

I commit myself to work through the fears of discovering the possibilities that I will have to face others and interact with others which ties into hiding myself from others.

So that will be all for this post and I will work on the point of hiding from others within the next post.

277. Hiding from myself.

So here I will go into further detail about why I hide myself from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide me because then I do not have to take action within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself because I do not wish to change myself from what is familiar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself because then I can use the excuse that I do not know what to do and place myself behind a cloak of uncertainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base the idea of who I am as the things that are familiar to me and thus fear stepping to far outside of what I have been all along instead of stepping into the unknown and working on moving myself in a dynamic way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my fear or facing myself, limit my ability to be self expressive and self honest/ self-determined.

I forgive myself for accepting myself to exist in and as the shame that the past events that I have participated to the point where I allow this shame to stunt my action in facing those events, and instead look to just hide myself away from those event/habits suppressing and avoiding them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am incapable of effectively dealing with my shame and then push it into a superior position to myself, making it difficult for me to stand up to my own creations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the simple point that I am creating, accepting and allowing my actions/habits/thoughts/patterns/emotions through my participation in the energetic allure of them when they arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only believe that I am the past events that have happened to me, and thus leave no room for myself to see myself as anything other than a reflection of the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-hatred, to blind me from possible solutions, and look for short-term fixes to my shame, rather than find a sustainable solution in living an accountable life within the action of walking my process for myself and looking deeper within me to deal with my points rather than ignoring them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself where I sit in a pool of my own self importance and give value to the idea that I am special in my pain in some way, not ever stopping to realize how this is really just another creation/trap that I set and imagine within my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiral down into depression through the self confirmed decision of “poor me, I am the victim here”, not stopping to realize that this is a decision that I created this and then hold myself to and consequently hide myself from.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to yet realize the role of action within my life where I am constantly and consistently faced with all of the opportunities that I need to grow and place my myself but instead hold myself back because of the way that I view myself and conduct myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am fake because I have not fully figure myself out yet and for letting this feeling of being fake determine my motivation within my process, where for example I don’t do not see myself being effective and when faced with doing an assignment or writing then I carry that into those points as well. Instead of just writing despite the position that I currently occupy within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not have what it takes to walk this process because of my mental capabilities when this is really determined within the level of effort I am willing to place into my process and not with my ability to cognate information since my process is unique to my situation and pre programming so I am capable of the cognition that got me here and within that am capable of getting myself out.

Ok I will stop here for the evening and pick this up again tomorrow.

276. Really good at hiding myself.

Well after an extensive time from my last post, I am back here. I was sick a few weeks ago and I stopped writing while I was sick and I just did not pick it up again until a few days ago. I just did not find anything that I was writing to be a explanation of what I was going through.

Though within that, I made a realization within myself yesterday, where I was talking to one of the shelter clients and I was really intent on working my shift alone, and just focusing on my work. I was being kind of recluse and not really engaging anyone in the kitchen because of an event the previous day with him. He mentioned this and asked if I was ok and I did not seem like normal. I told him it was because of tiredness, because of the commute to work. In truth though it was because I did not want to deal with him, or people in general. I latter realized that this is the common experience for me through out my life up to this day, where I always hide myself, my intentions, the reality of what is really moving inside of myself. How I never find the words to really express myself in a way that is cogent to each situation. But most prominently and importantly I hide myself from myself. And I am really good at it. I do not even know that I am doing it, I don’t realize the level of self-deception and self deprivation that I am going through. I have not blogged for weeks now and I have been wondering why that is, I have been writing on my own and looking for this missing piece within all this. It occurred to me that much of what I am writing is valid points, but much of the time what I am facing within the act of writing is like this tendency to write and then realize that the writing is not really expressive of something that is fully here. I am not writing/speaking as myself as the here moment. Then yesterday I realized that this is all because I am hiding from myself, I am not getting down to the point of what this is about which is to look deep within me and admit to myself everything that needs to change, to stop telling myself it will be ok as long as it sounds like I am changing and am ok to other people, when its chaos and storm clouds within. I mean this is my relationship with everyone really, I try to make it seem like I am ok and stable and pass this of to others but I am hiding and suppressing the storm underneath, evident in my lack of application of late.

The truth is that I am really sad with myself, I am pitying myself, I am rageful towards myself all in consecutive turns flowing into one another, feeding of each other. I don’t know who I really am because I hide it, I am frustrated with that and it just loops around on me constantly to the point where now I basically stopped participating once again. Who is writing this? I am unsure of myself that even now I can tell that much of this is written still within some degree of knowledge and information mixed into expression. The truth of who I am remains to be seen within me, for me. So the practical common sense thing to do is to stop dwelling on the poor me attitude, step out of my hiding spot and just start examining myself in detail, I realize that this will be as hard as I make it, there is really only a few daily things to take care of but when the desires come into play then this is where I begin to lose my focus and miss my purpose.

Another point to consider within this is how I am fearful of what I could be. I am scared of stepping outside of what I know, letting go of all the knowledge and information that I have believed makes up the personality that I call me. I am fearful of the unknown potential that lies within me. Today I got on the wrong bus to work and it took me on an alternate route that I did not know, and while I was a little late for work the simple point of letting go and just riding out a situation where I did not know where I was going actually was quite cool. It does not specifically fit the same as walking this process or the process that humanity is facing but I mean the point of just accepting and going with the flow, being there moving through something outside of my habitual routine was a reminder of how programmed I/we can become. I have this tendency to wait for the perfect moment to start walking process or write or do my responsibilities in life. I hide behind the fact that my situation is not perfect yet, my living space not clean enough, or most prominent, I do not feel right about it at the time. So there is always a reason to excuse myself for something else ready to step in the place of me walking through my day with awareness and integrity. Instead I choose to live a life of predictability all based upon my programming.

So to wrap up for now I simply need to ask myself if I am living my life in such a way that will allow me to realize myself as life. And if not to stop, slow down, and start breathing pay attention to what is happening internally and move myself to take action on those thoughts, feelings, reactions, and not just attempt to hide myself from them. To realize that I should give myself the chance and opportunity to change by utilizing the time I have in this one life to do as much as I can, seeing that the time that squander and use just for self deprivation, self-abuse, and self honesty is really just unacceptable to the expression of life here, and not the least to myself.

So here I will make a stand to push through the resistances that I have been facing late and work through this point of hiding myself from myself and other in the next series of posts.