Well after an extensive time from my last post, I am back here. I was sick a few weeks ago and I stopped writing while I was sick and I just did not pick it up again until a few days ago. I just did not find anything that I was writing to be a explanation of what I was going through.
Though within that, I made a realization within myself yesterday, where I was talking to one of the shelter clients and I was really intent on working my shift alone, and just focusing on my work. I was being kind of recluse and not really engaging anyone in the kitchen because of an event the previous day with him. He mentioned this and asked if I was ok and I did not seem like normal. I told him it was because of tiredness, because of the commute to work. In truth though it was because I did not want to deal with him, or people in general. I latter realized that this is the common experience for me through out my life up to this day, where I always hide myself, my intentions, the reality of what is really moving inside of myself. How I never find the words to really express myself in a way that is cogent to each situation. But most prominently and importantly I hide myself from myself. And I am really good at it. I do not even know that I am doing it, I don’t realize the level of self-deception and self deprivation that I am going through. I have not blogged for weeks now and I have been wondering why that is, I have been writing on my own and looking for this missing piece within all this. It occurred to me that much of what I am writing is valid points, but much of the time what I am facing within the act of writing is like this tendency to write and then realize that the writing is not really expressive of something that is fully here. I am not writing/speaking as myself as the here moment. Then yesterday I realized that this is all because I am hiding from myself, I am not getting down to the point of what this is about which is to look deep within me and admit to myself everything that needs to change, to stop telling myself it will be ok as long as it sounds like I am changing and am ok to other people, when its chaos and storm clouds within. I mean this is my relationship with everyone really, I try to make it seem like I am ok and stable and pass this of to others but I am hiding and suppressing the storm underneath, evident in my lack of application of late.
The truth is that I am really sad with myself, I am pitying myself, I am rageful towards myself all in consecutive turns flowing into one another, feeding of each other. I don’t know who I really am because I hide it, I am frustrated with that and it just loops around on me constantly to the point where now I basically stopped participating once again. Who is writing this? I am unsure of myself that even now I can tell that much of this is written still within some degree of knowledge and information mixed into expression. The truth of who I am remains to be seen within me, for me. So the practical common sense thing to do is to stop dwelling on the poor me attitude, step out of my hiding spot and just start examining myself in detail, I realize that this will be as hard as I make it, there is really only a few daily things to take care of but when the desires come into play then this is where I begin to lose my focus and miss my purpose.
Another point to consider within this is how I am fearful of what I could be. I am scared of stepping outside of what I know, letting go of all the knowledge and information that I have believed makes up the personality that I call me. I am fearful of the unknown potential that lies within me. Today I got on the wrong bus to work and it took me on an alternate route that I did not know, and while I was a little late for work the simple point of letting go and just riding out a situation where I did not know where I was going actually was quite cool. It does not specifically fit the same as walking this process or the process that humanity is facing but I mean the point of just accepting and going with the flow, being there moving through something outside of my habitual routine was a reminder of how programmed I/we can become. I have this tendency to wait for the perfect moment to start walking process or write or do my responsibilities in life. I hide behind the fact that my situation is not perfect yet, my living space not clean enough, or most prominent, I do not feel right about it at the time. So there is always a reason to excuse myself for something else ready to step in the place of me walking through my day with awareness and integrity. Instead I choose to live a life of predictability all based upon my programming.
So to wrap up for now I simply need to ask myself if I am living my life in such a way that will allow me to realize myself as life. And if not to stop, slow down, and start breathing pay attention to what is happening internally and move myself to take action on those thoughts, feelings, reactions, and not just attempt to hide myself from them. To realize that I should give myself the chance and opportunity to change by utilizing the time I have in this one life to do as much as I can, seeing that the time that squander and use just for self deprivation, self-abuse, and self honesty is really just unacceptable to the expression of life here, and not the least to myself.
So here I will make a stand to push through the resistances that I have been facing late and work through this point of hiding myself from myself and other in the next series of posts.