279. Hiding myself from others. Where do I fit?

It occurs to me that this is really to big of a point to try to take on fully here so I will just open up on it and flagpoint this for future reference.

For a long time I have had this pattern of sinking into the shadows of social scenes, as well as society. I have not really seen myself as this being who fits in well. I’m to shy, I am to nerdy, I am to unlike others. The point being that I have designed all these reference points to set conditions for me to fit into society in some way and it moves into all areas of my life. I have difficulty with my relationships with my parents. Subsequently I have had trouble opening up and being intimate with partner, allowing myself, and my expression to be fully heard or seen. I constantly bury what I am really experiencing so as to not upset the relationships, and this I have notice really does nothing but breed internal resentment within me.

In the social arena I typically do not engage people, and in the past when invited out to socialize I have always done so as a last resort if I could not get out of it, and while there would rather be on my own.

I have held the stance that I am someone who just prefers to be alone. With walk with Desteni for some time this has become clear that this is not much more than an avoidance. A hiding of myself where I do not have to concede myself as this character to others and explain or put my preprogrammed self on the line.

I noticed however that I crave the interactions with others at times. Mainly with close friends. But friends from the perspective that these are beings that I have come to common understanding with to maintain the existence of my systems within me. I never go much deeper than this, within most of my interactions with other I face the point in which I fear saying everything, like I have to censor myself from speaking about the points that I have realized. On one level I see this as suppressing myself to please others, and on the other hand I see this as a desire/lack in the sense that want others to understand/see me for someone who I wish to be. I see the missing piece within myself represented as this desire to fit in somewhere. To have some kind of purpose. But that purpose is misguided by the thinking that it comes with the acceptance of the other being within my life and the ones that I come in contact with, not realizing that society as it stands currently hold life in a place of inferior value to the mind, and so allowing myself to base my self view and self wellness in direct relation to what popular society and in turn those that I have deemed close to me and care emotionally for, actually in reality is only an acceptance of the same separation from life. Now to clarify I do not see that just leaving those in my life in the dust is the answer, rather the opposite where I actually stand up within myself and value my realizations enough to say things as I see them, to call out when I see that something can be realigned and also to have the tact to realize where to avoid creating unnecessary conflict. So it will be an interesting point to walk over, but one that has played quite a large part of the way that I interact with other beings in my life.

And there comes up the point of investigation where I can do this for myself once again. Standing up within myself to find out who it is I wish to create myself as within principle. Do I need others acceptance of me within the realization of myself walking with Desteni? Or can I do this for the actual reason of self honesty which is to recreate myself here as life?

So as I learn to walk, as I learn to trust me in more and more moments through my day. As I learn to become self honest about how I am choosing to live, the experience of myself being separate from others and the NEED to hide these realizations from others may become lessened. I could assume that they do, but I cannot say for sure until I take action and walk the path consistently within myself which is really the point.

And so I commit myself to walk within the principles of equality and oneness by utilizing the tools of Desteni, to deconstruct the limitations of the mind in believing myself to be separate from life as an inferior/superior personality creation in comparison with other beings and life itself. And instead recreate myself here as life through the realization of myself as breathe in each moment.

I commit myself to walk this within full realization that I will have to make this decision to stand for myself and not on the pretense of gaining or losing something from the interactions that I have with other beings.

I commit myself to stop hiding myself from others within the pretense that I do not have a spot that fits for me with others, and that I have to mold myself to the people around me to gain acceptance within there world and not realize that in doing this I am really giving myself up and not actually giving myself a chance to really discover me for myself.

I commit myself to stop fearing rejection for other despite who they may be and instead realize that all I really should have to focus on is if I am satisfied with myself in walking myself through this journey back to life and moving myself to participating in making a world that will be best for all.

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