281. The end and beginning.

Its been some time since I last posted a blog. Something that I realized the other day is this point of self honesty about my life, this process, my starting point within it.

I noticed that much of what I am doing is based still within this point of compulsion. I have not been willing to fully give up the mind, I do not WANT to change, but I have been seeing that doing the writing, doing the assignments, apparently changing myself has not been for me as me. Rather it became clear that not much within my life has been a point of being self supportive in this way, rather it being something that I do to just to fit in, or to appease another being/the group, or to make it seem like I have passion or skill in an area so as to give myself some kind of status. But that status is all based in competition. Underneath it I am scared, scared to fail, and scared that I have already failed and I am not worth a damn. The writing so far has given me a feeling of some release from this but still its just a feeling and has not really been something that I have found to be a point of walking with self-trust and self honesty. I keep falling back into doubt.

The negative point of fear around failing is really the driving point here, the point where I look for areas where I can have success, influence, and fame, to drown out the fear of being worth nothing. I instead always going into this point of being accepted, and valued by others as my primary point of self-definition.

So it stands to reason that I should be able to see that this needs to stop. I have to stop feeding the way that I live my life by way of the acceptance by others. Stand up and live for me as the starting point, realizing that as life, that is the way that I will actually become satisfied with myself.

This I can see as one of the points that has been holding me back within my writing lately, not really knowing where I am going. Where I stand. Because I just realized, that most of the time the writing was not really coming through as myself, as my true realizations. I have just been placing an image up to gain others acceptance and in the background just doing my own thing still carrying on in the mind.

I see that on some level I do not want to subject myself to the effort, and just remain comfortable. That has been my way for some time. And in starting this process I found that comfort would be challenged, I was going to have to face these points all eventually. And recently it has been more challenging because I realized that I have been doing the process so far without self honesty, only suppression of the points that I have held addictions to. I have made a little progress, but not much. The break being that I have not really come to a decision to live here as life. Yet.

Skateboarding has been one of those areas where I have seen the most complete change, I do not feel compelled about going skateboarding, I have left that area of myself behind in sense, where once in a while I will go riding but the NEED to get better, to place myself in that world is mostly gone, there are a few remaining points left to cover but for the most part I have made some interesting revelations about who I have been within skateboarding and it has kind of opened up the view on the other areas of my life in which I still define myself by something that do or believe that I am.

Recently though I have been having some similar experiences as what was once skating has now moved on to my life in cooking. This is another area in which I have been have pushed myself to excel, to become greater and recognized. But unlike skateboarding, this has also been my entire working life. This is something that I have tied to my livelihood, and now that skating has stopped being the focus of my dreams if you will. I noticed especially that cooking/chefing has really been ramped up within my mind as “something that I have to pursue”. Now I am not saying that I know if I should or should not, but this is something that I can investigate and look into.

I just got a new job in a restaurant and have a substantially more amount of time that is available to me during the day because of commuting times being cut down by three hours per day. So I am going to close this blog down and start on a fresh foot with a new one, this time with the understanding that this really has to be about finding myself within this instead of just doing this to be a part of the group/some moralistic point, and understanding that in stopping the mind, I can bring myself back from a place of self-interested preservation to living as all as one and equal.